September 1998
Q: Hi Jill-

I've enjoyed reading your Q & A and have gotten several good insights into my 18+ month old son's always changing behavior. My latest issue is that just about a week before he turned 18 months, he stopped letting me leave him with a sitter in our house for four hours one morning a week. I was doing this for four weeks straight without much of a problem, using friends from a baby-sitting cooperative that I started through the MOMS Club. However, on the fifth week, he was so inconsolable that I had to return home from an art class that I was taking because he needed "mama". This happened the following week as well. Both of the moms who were watching him are familiar enough faces, I think, for my son since he sees them somewhat regularly at MOMS Club gatherings. They also had their own children with them which I thought would be a positive thing. I can't bring myself to leave my son with a sitter if I know he's going to be miserable the whole time, not to mention how bad !

I feel subjecting sitters to this constant crying without any way to console him. My art class is over now but I feel strongly about having special time to myself since I'm a full time at home mom. Any suggestions for how to deal with this need for mama stage? As soon as I walked in the door both times, he ran to me, hugged me and then went into the other room to play, content that I was home without needing to be held or having me right next to him.

Help! I need a break!

Debbie Wachspress

A: Dear Debbie,

You are absolutely right that you need a break. Do not give up! What your child is probably going through is a developmental stage - he is not being bad. He is understanding more now than he did in the past. He understands that you are leaving and he is on his own and that is scary. He may not have understood that the week before. He may have thought you were there but he could not see you.

Do not be alarmed that you may never be able to leave your child again. This may be a very temporary stage. Try different situations. Maybe he will be fine at your house with a sitter but not at someone else's house. When you leave do not let him know that you are worried about him. Give him a quick hug and kiss and leave without showing your emotions. Sometimes they cry for only a minute and then they are o.k. If all else fails, take a break when your husband can be there.

This too shall pass!

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: MY 15 year old son is just now beginning the rebellious stage. He and I have always had a closer relationship than he has with his father (we're divorced 3 years now). His older brother tells us he is smoking behind our backs. When getting clothes ready for school, he and I were re-arranging his drawers. I discovered internet nudes and sexual things he had printed out, lots of lighters. I feel betrayed and my son says "I'm going to Dad's, he doesn't have as many rules. You only yell at me". How do I confront him about the smoking? and the inernet pics? I'm at a loss. His older brother was a dream during his teen years. HELP!

Kathy Biser

A: Dear Kathy,

You are not alone!!! I am sure that every day many parents find the things that you have found in your son's drawers and wonder what to do. There are many things that you can do - so do not worry. First of all, what you found is a warning. Your son is experimenting which is very normal at 15 years old. Now is the time that you need to open up the communication with your son. If he feels that he can't go to you, that is where the trouble will begin.

First of all, you need to stop yelling. Yelling will make him hide what he is doing and lie to you. You can't help him if he lies to you. You need to let him know that he can come to you with whatever problem he has and you will be there for him. If he starts to communicate with you, try active listening. "Tell me more." "I want to know how you feel." "I am listening." When appropriate, share a similar experience of your own. This will show your son that you are not going to punish him any time he is honest with you.

If you think that he is doing something that is not appropriate, help him determine that himself. Ask him questions that lead him to that solution. If you tell him what to do or punish him at this point, he will most likely rebel or lie to get what he wants.

This does not mean that you can't have rules. If cigarette smoking is something that you do not want to tolerate, make a clear rule about it. For example, no smoking and no cigarettes in the house. Agree on a consequence if he breaks the rule. You cannot make a rule when he is out of the house because there is really no way of enforcing it. You really need his involvement in the making of the rules in order to get him to abide by them.

In terms of the nude pictures, my concern would be his respect for women. You may want to have some conversations with him to find out if he respects the opposite sex. If you feel confident that he does, then decide what your rules are regarding keeping the pictures.

Finally, you need to discuss with his Dad which rules are important to both of you. If you can't come up with an agreement, explain to your son that there are different rules at each house. If you cut down on the yelling and really show your son that you care and you are there for him, he will want to live with you even if there are more rules than he would like there to be.

Good Luck,
Jill


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Q: I have a question for you. I was just approached by my neighbor that my son drew on her son, on his belly and buttocks, and was kissing him on his buttocks??!! My question is-- what do I do- How do I handle this? She was not mad-but concerned, and I was also VERY concerned. ( I was sexually abused as a child) I want to know where and why this is happening, I know kids are experimenting, but at ages 4?? Kinda early?? Please E-mail me and let me know your thoughts.....

Stephany Patrone

A: Dear Stephany,

First of all, recognize that you are going to have significant feelings about this because of your experiences as a child. You may need to explore that and receive some help in dealing with that.

Age four is not early for experimenting. Actually, your son is probably not doing anything sexual. They are still very innocent at this age (thank goodness). He is probably just showing affection toward a friend. If it is sexual exploration, it is normal, not bad. There is no reason to be concerned.

When you catch your child exploring sex with another child of a similar age, it is a clue that he is ready for some sex education. Do not scold, embarass, humiliate, or shame your child. Let your child know that it is o.k. to be curious. You may want to tell him some ground rules. For example, you do not want him playing "doctor" or "show and tell" with other children. Tell him that you will answer his questions. Answer his questions honestly but do not give more information than he has asked for. Go to the library and take out some good books on age-appropriate sex education and children's books on the subject. When neighborhood kids try to give him information about sex, he will be able to say, "Oh, I already know about that."

Children need to know that they can go to their parents if they have any questions. The most important thing is to be there for your child. And don't worry, your son is behaving normally!

No one said it was going to be easy!

Good Luck,
Jill