October 1998
Q: My 3 1/2 year old has begun having screaming, kicking fits at nursery school with no apparent rhyme or reason. For example, one day he'll just decide he doesn't want to walk out to the playground, etc. He does not do this at home AT ALL, and the school's efforts to calm him down and discipline him are not working. In fact, he tells me he hates school now and gets very upset when I take him there. Can you suggest a possible cause or ways to deal with this? He's such a good boy the rest of the time - we all want to help him get control of this.

Thank you,

Dorothy Cummings
Princeton

A: Dear Dorothy,

Talk to the other parents. Are their children happy? Are any of them experiencing issues that seem strange? It is odd that your son is behaving better at home than he is at school. It is usually the other way around. First find out if there is something wrong with the school. Also, talk to your son and find out why he doesn't like it and what is going on that he has difficulty with.

Does your son have any special needs? Your son's teachers may not be equipped to handle specific behavior issues such as a difficult adjustment to transitions. One of my parents automatically warned her son about transitions and prepared him before leaving a situation at home but his teachers did not know do that. After she explained what she did at home, the teachers were able to accommodate her son and eliminate the difficulties. Read "Temperament Tools" by Helen Neville and Diane Clark Johnson to find out if there is a temperament issue.

Finally, if your son does not like the school and you have tried to make it work, take him out of the program and find one that is a better fit for your child. All programs are different and at his age you need to find one that is right for him.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: My son just turned 12 months and has been bitten in daycare 13 times in the last 12 weeks. He is not the only child being bitten, but has been bitten the most. We are not sure what to do. We really like this childcare, but I cannot stand the fact that my son is essentially being 'physically' abused by another child. The teachers in the room had speakers come in (the parents of the child that bites did not come) and they have tried everything, but to no avail. Do I punish my child by pulling him out or get the center to abide by their rules on unacceptable behavior. I am really worried about my son being bitten so much. We meet with the director this Tuesday. Please email me if you have any suggestions.

Melinda Bates
Huddleston , Va

A: Dear Melinda,

If the teachers cannot handle the situation, you should take your child out of the daycare center. You can try to get the center to abide by their rules but if they do not or cannot find a way to stop the biting, take your son out. It is not a punishment, it is protecting your son from being, as you put it, being "abused". Look for another center that has had this situation before and dealt with it in a better way.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: I have a daughter that is a very good child, straight A student. She is 10 years old, my middle child whom at times feels left out. I also have a 17, & 3 year old. She did something that really surprised me. She took money out of my purse and then told me she didn't do it. I was making her save her juice money which is something extra she gets with her lunch everyday. Even though she gets milk with her lunch which I pay for. I wanted her to learn a lesson if you want to buy something then you save for it. Was I wrong? I know that she did wrong but when she finally admitted she took the change from my purse, she said she didn't want to drink milk. How should I have handled this? Any advice?

Paula
Woodruff , SC

A: Dear Paula,

You were not wrong to try to teach your child something. Most children will steal something at least once (probably most of the people who read this did too when they were children). When they do, most parents overreact. In their panic, parents often accuse a child of being a thief or a liar. Parents often take extreme measures like spanking or grounding so their children don't grow up to be thieves. Deal with the underlying problem. Make sure that your child knows that she can come to you when she has a problem like this again. That it is wrong to steal and she must figure out a plan to replace the stolen money.

If you want you can bring your daughter to a place that shows her what happens to adults that steal. But you must do it as a learning experience, not as a punishment. Make sure she knows that you love her and that she can come to you without being scared.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: What type of discipline would you suggest for a child (age 9, boy) who has started lying. The way he's lying suggests to me that its something that he's been doing for some time. He can look you straight in the eye and tells you that he didn't do something or he'll deny that he heard you or understood the request. Worse than the lie is the ability to not give in and admit that he was wrong. Please help.

Pat Lewis
Richmond, VA.

A: Dear Pat,

Children model what we do. Look at your actions - do you admit when you are wrong? It is hard to do and a lot of us don't. But we have to start doing that if we want our children to. I have a hard time apologizing. I have to make an effort to do that with my children because I want them to do it too.

Lying is something most adults do too. This does not justify lying, but to show you that children who lie are not defective or immoral. You need to deal with the reasons your son lies before you can help him give up his need to lie. Usually children lie because they feel trapped, are scared of punishment or rejection, feel threatened or just think lying will make things easier for everyone. Often lying is a sign of low self-esteem.

Denying that he understood you or that he heard the request is not about lying. He knows you know he is lying. He is trying to get out of doing what you want. Talk to him about that. Tell him you want to communicate better with him. Ask him for advice on how to do that? Does he have any suggestions to help you be honest with each other? Listen to him and let him express his feelings. You can learn a lot about where he is coming from.

Stop asking questions that invite lying. Instead of saying, "Did you clean your room today?" say, "I noticed you didn't clean your room. Would you like to work on a plan for cleaning it?" Focus on solutions instead of blame. Be honest and say, "That doesn't sound like the truth. Most of us don't tell the truth when we are being trapped or threatened. Why don't we take some time off right now. Later I will be available if you want to share something that is going on with you."

Good Luck,
Jill