December 1998
Q: I have an 18 month old son. I am a stay at home mom who is trying very hard to get the parenting thing done right the first time ha. My son has recently started laughing when it comes to being put in time out. I am a firm believer that spanking is not an option and find myself questioning that decision (guess I am not such a firm believer) Can you give me some alternatives as my son has figured out time out isn't so bad. Thanks for all you do for parents.

Vanessa Page
Dallas, TX

A: Dear Vanessa,

You are normal to question the decision not to spank. Most of us were raised with parents who spanked so it feels familiar to us. I commend you for looking for alternatives.

This is from Dr. Jane Nelsen, the author of the Positive Discipline books and a parent educator, on time out for children under 3 1/2 years old. Her website is www.positivediscipline.com.

No. 1. Any kind of time out should not be used with children under 3-1/2. Until children reach the age of reason, which starts around three (and is an ongoing process that even some adults have not fully mastered) supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting tools. This means simply that young children need constant supervision and removal, kindly and firmly, from what they can't do and guidance to an activity they can do. If they can't understand reasoning, why try to reason?

Remember, they can't understand the reasoning behind punishment either. Punishment may stop the behavior for the moment, but what long-range message has the child received? Are they deciding, "I'm bad. I'll get even and hurt back. I'll hit others when I'm bigger. Yelling at people is a good way to communicate. I won't get caught next time."? Children aren't consciously aware of the decisions they are making, but they are making decisions nonetheless. (The book, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Dr. Jane Nelsen has a lot of information regarding developmental and age appropriate behavior.)

No. 2. There are usually exceptions. We know of one mother who used Positive Time Out successfully with her 18-month-old child (because of her attitude). She would say to her child, "Would you like to lay on your comfy pillow for awhile?" Sometimes he would just toddle off to his pillow and lie down until he felt better. If he hesitated, she would ask, "Do you want me to go with you?"

No. 3. The procedure for setting up Positive Time Out for children over three is explained thoroughly in most of our books. Meanwhile, before the age of 3-1/2, go to time out with your child. Say, "Let's take some time out to read a book or listen to music until we feel better." That way you are modeling the purpose of Positive Time Out.

No. 4. It is so important to know that parents need many different parenting skills and tools. There is never one tool (or three or even ten) that is effective for every situation and for every child. Sometimes Positive Time Out is effective for children over the age of three, and many times something else would work better. This is why we give several suggestions for every problem covered in Positive Discipline A-Z (by Dr. Nelsen).

No. 5. Try hugs. Since misbehaving children are discouraged children, the best way to help them stop misbehaving is to help them feel encouraged. Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to help children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Children do better when they feel better. Asking for or giving a hug is just one possibility. Remember, there isn't any tool that works every time.

No. 6. Please learn about developmental and age appropriate behavior. You may be expecting things that are beyond the developmental capability of your child.

Check out her website for some great information. If you want some of the negative information about spanking, read the book "The Case Against Spanking" by Irwin A. Hyman. Don't get discouraged - you're doing the right thing!

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: I understand the concept of ignoring undesirable behavior and praising acceptable behavior, it's the "gray" areas I have a problem with. How do I handle it when he screams as loud as possible when the rest of the family is in the room? It's hard to convince his sisters to ignore it and it disrupts whatever they may be doing, which seems unfair! How about when he kicks the sides of the couch, stands on the back of it, etc.? He is almost five years old, by the way, shouldn't these attention-seeking tantrums be happening less often?

Thanks for the help!
Jolynne
Leander, TX

A: Dear Jolynne,

Yes, tantrums should lessen by the time a child is five years old. But if the child is getting the attention he wants from them, they will continue. The best thing you can do is ignore his tantrums. If he is disrupting the family, you can take him to a place where he won't bother anyone else. But do not try to communicate with him. Move him to a different location and either stay there with him (if you can ignore it) or leave.

ALL MISBEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATION.

I repeat this many times in my parenting classes. What is your child trying to communicate? If you can't figure it out, ask him. When you find out what he really wants (like attention, love, power, revenge, etc.) you can find a way to meet his needs without disrupting the family. Read "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols to learn how to diagnose your child's mistaken goal or take a parenting class.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: My son is 12 years old and my daughter is 6 years old. They both get along very good together. My son is very responsible and is willing to babysit his sister after school for a couple of hours next year (she will be 7 and he will turn 13 soon after. How old does a child need to be to babysit legally?

Julia Waybright
Pasadena , MD

A: Dear Julia,

There is no legal age that a child needs to be to babysit (at least not in New Jersey). You should check with your local authorities. But the experts say that 12 is the minimum age they would recommend for babysitting. However, that depends on the child. Every 12 year old is different and you have to judge if your child is mature. You also have to educate your child and make sure he knows all the safety information he needs to. It is a big responsibility that you are giving him and in the end it is your responsibility to make sure your children are safe.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: I have a 2 1/2 and 4 year old and lately I can't get them to bed. I fight with them every night trying to get them to sleep. They want to sleep on the couch. I let them but they won't go to sleep, they play. The 4 year old says she is scared in her room but I don't know why. I tried to get her to tell me but she won't. The 2 year old throws fits a lot and I give in. I know I shouldn't but its hard not to. Is there anything I can do?

Please e-mail me back.

Thank you
Cindy Rush
Redfield , AR

A: Dear Cindy,

Bedtime is an issue for many parents. We have had a long day and just want some time for ourselves and our kids do not want to go to sleep. There is an answer but you have to be committed to it and not give in. This is very hard to do but it works.

The following is by Helen Hall and Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker and the author of the book, "Redirecting Children's Behavior" and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 1-800-257-9002.

It is important to establish a routine is at bedtime. Bedtime seems to be a common difficulty for most parents. Everyone is usually tired and stressed by the end of the day which only makes matters worse.

Now, look at the bedtime scene through the eyes of the child. We parents get accustomed to looking at this scene through our "adult eyes" and miss the opportunity to understand it from our child's perspective.

Imagine that you are in the middle of a good book and your spouse says, "It's time for bed." In spite of your response, "No, I'm not ready just yet," you are helped unwillingly up the stairs, your clothes are removed and you are forced into taking a bath. Consider how you are feeling. Are you feeling disrespected, violated, angry, or controlled? You may be thinking, "Yes, but a two-year-old doesn't feel this way -- it's not the same, he's not an adult Besides, I'm the parent." True, the child is not yet an adult. However, he is a person and has feelings. He is at an important growth stage of wanting independence and experimenting with how to have his choices be known and honored.

Many times going to bed is not the issue, he may be tired and ready. Yet the command of being told what to do and when to do it brings up a feeling of being controlled. And isn't it true that this is often our reaction as adults when we are "commanded" in the same way? The issue becomes one of wanting control over ourselves and what happens to us. As Mother continues to overpower Zachary, he feels unloved and rejected.

Bedtime can be a special time between parents and children as it is natural for us to desire closeness or connectedness before going to sleep. Often times, however, parents have over-burdened themselves during the day. They are eager to get the child in bed as soon as possible so they can have some quiet time for themselves. This can cause the child to feel his parents are trying to "get rid of him." Our children's desires for more closeness can be expressed through wanting a drink and "going potty."

What does your child want?
To declare his independence or sense of self.
To feel close or connected with his parent.
To feel a sense of control over what happens to him.
To feel respected and heard.


How can you, as a parent, give your child what he wants and needs and still have him go to bed in a timely manner?

1.Respect your own needs. Take care of yourself during the day so that you are not feeling hassled and frazzled at your child's bedtime. Set your child's bedtime at an hour that allows you some solitude and/or "couple time" with your partner after your child goes to bed.

2.Whenever possible, have both parents be a part of the bedtime ritual. Bedtime is more fun and less of a burden when both parents participate.

3.Start your bedtime ritual forty-five minutes to one hour before your child's actual bedtime hour to avoid unnecessary stress and struggle. This process should be a winding down time, in other words, eliminate activities that would excite the child such as rough-housing or tickling.

4.Respect his sense of time by telling him that bedtime is in 10 minutes, allowing him to complete a particular activity before his actual bedtime hour.

5.Offer choices instead of orders. Your child will have a feeling of control over what happens to him when given choices. For example, you might say, "Do you want your Dad to help you with your bath or me?" or "Do you want to sleep with your gorilla or your kitty?"

6.Create a bedtime ritual with your child's help and advice. For example, read a story, snuggle, say prayer, give a hug and two kisses and leave the room singing a song. The routine needs to have a quality of sameness or routine -- the same order or the same song -- in order to provide a sense of security.

7.Create closeness. For example: Talk about "Remember When," such as "Remember when we went camping and that raccoon got into our food stash?" or "I remember when you were a little baby and loved to have your tummy rubbed."

Say three things that you love about each other. Start each statement with, "What I love about you is..." and complete it with a specific thing you love. For instance, "What I love about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits."

Ask the following questions which allows your child to share more about himself, such as: "What was the best thing that happened to you today?" "What was the worst thing that happened today?"

Some children may talk more freely with the lights out. Try to discover what is most encouraging to your child in enhancing your communication together.

After you have completed your bedtime routine, leave your child's room. Explain to your child once when you start this new bedtime routine, "If you come out of your room for any reason other than emergency, I will lovingly guide or carry you back to your room. I will not talk to you after saying good night and closing your bedroom door."

It is important that you do not talk to your child after the bedtime routine is complete. If you continue to talk with your child, you are more likely to get into a verbal power struggle. You may have to guide your child back to his room several times, particularly at the beginning because children will test their parents. However, as the week progresses, bedtime will become more pleasant for both you and your child.

You can make bedtime a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication, and fun. By involving your children in the decision-making process and spending this special time with them, they will feel valued and respected.

When you have order and routine, it creates a sense of security in your child because he learns he can depend on certain events always occurring.

Hope this helps!
Good Luck,
Jill