May 1999
Q: My boyfriend recently found out that he is a father. The mother put the child up for adoption, after concealing the entire pregnancy from him. He has proven paternity and is now pursueing full custody of his son. Is there anywhere we can go to attend a parenting class? He is very serious about wanting to raise his son, and wants to do this in the best interest of his son.

Milann Shugrue
Clementon , NJ

A: Dear Milann,

Are you anywhere near Princeton? I teach a class called Redirecting Children's Behavior in Princeton. There are also instructors in Hamilton, Moorestown, Voorhees, Budd Lake, Manalapan, Absecon and Mays Landing. You can call 1-800-257-9002 to get the number of the instructor closest to you. Or you could look at our website at www.redirectingbehavior.com I think it's great that you want to take a parenting course. It will help you!

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: We are spending this summer in Princeton (I will be a fellow at the Uniiversity) for 8 weeks and are looking for speech therapy for our 3 year old. He is a late-talker and we feel that the summer would be profitable for him if he started this therapy. Unfortunately,we do not know if such services are available (I do not mean for free) in the summer. Can you tell us ?

Thanks in advance

Amit Ghosh

A: Dear Amit,

There is a wonderful speech therapy practice in Princeton called Princeton Speech and Language Center. The phone number is 609-924-7080.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Dear Jill:

My son is 23 months old and I am very concerned about his aggressive behavior around other children. He frequently hits and pushes other children even when unprovoked. I understand that this is a trait of toddlers but his hitting seems very excessive. He may be happily playing with a toy but if he sees another toddler playing with another toy he has to take it away, even if he doesn't want to play with it. His language/communication skills seem to be average to above average but he does not verbalize with the other children the way he does with me. He seems to prefer to bully them. I have tried to distract him and get him involved in something else to avoid a confrontation. Many times he then strikes out at me and gets angry. Now we have begun to give him a "time out" in his play pen if he hits anyone and even the dog so he gets the message that hitting is unacceptable behavior. But, he just doesn't seem to get it. Niether my husband or I are aggressive people and I am getting very worried that the hitting and pushing is becoming a serious behavioral disorder. Please ... any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Susan Clerico
Hillsborough , NJ

A: Dear Susan,

It does not sound like your son has a behavioral disorder. It actually sounds very appropriate for his age. There are a lot of things that you can do however time out is not one that I would recommend. Time out is not very effective for children under the age of reason (around three years old). First, I want to share this poem with you - hang it on your refrigerator (it's on mine) - read it when you are frustrated with your son's behavior:

TODDLER'S CREED

If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.


This is what your son thinks and so do most other two year olds. Some children think this more than others but it is normal for his age to be feeling this way. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't teach him what is appropriate. So, how do you do that?

It sounds like this is your first child so it is probably the first time you are experiencing the humiliation that goes with having your child hurt another child. This is tough. What I did when my son was at this stage was stop going to play dates for a little while. Play dates are really for mom's at this point anyway because 2 year olds primarily "parallel play" (play along side each other). If you really feel you want to have playdates, find children that he gets along with - possibly older children that will share with him.

In addition to minimizing playdates, you should carefully watch him when he is with other children. When you notice that he is about to be aggressive, pick him up and say as calmly as you can, "Hitting hurts. Please be gentle." Then show him what gentle means. Tell him that if he hits, you must go home and then leave if he starts up again. Try not to be angry when you leave. Tell him he will have another chance to play nicely soon.

When he hits you, hold his hands away from you so that he cannot hurt you. Tell him, "People are not for hitting. Use your words." Do this as calmly as possible.

I strongly suggest you take a parenting class to get many other good ideas. I have one starting in May on Tuesday evenings. Let me know if you are interested.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: On biting. I am curious on how crucial a roll apologizing and forgiveness play in this matter. My niece has been biten by another child in her church day care, twice, on two separate occasions. The children were removed from each other and I hope that the proper steps were taken in the aid of both children. My question is: after the children have spent several days apart my sister-in-law wants to make the child, doing the biting, apologize to my niece. This way my niece can forgive her. My niece has just turned 2 and the child doing the biting is also two. I have searched the Internet for inf. on this topic and couldn't find any. (Toddler apology and forgiveness) My sister-in-law mentioned something about the healing of the heart. Anyway. I'm interested on your take of the subject or any information you can share with me on the topic.

Lisa Walker
Richland , Wa

A: Dear Lisa,

If you "make" a child apologize, especially a two year old, they most likely will not feel how you want them to feel - sorry. What we want is to teach children to feel empathy. Two year olds usually don't feel much empathy towards others or else they wouldn't bite in the first place. Also, two days ago to a two year old is a very long time. I would not suggest that your sister-in-law make the child apologize. Instead, she should tell your neice that she is sure that the child is sorry. This should heal your niece's heart a little. It is up to the other child's mother to explain that biting hurts and could the child do something to make it up to your niece. There are many things the child could do such as giving a hug, drawing a picture for your niece, baking her cookies and giving them to her, etc.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Hello Jill,

I have a concern about my child's home childcare situation. My daughter age 2 1/2 attends a homecare environment with a family who has a daughter age 2 1/2 and a son age 10 months. During the past year since my child has been attending the home she has been bit almost 30 times by the 2 1/2 year old daughter. I have kept her in the home because the environment is consistent, warm, and develpmentally appropriate. The child is very aggressive. She hits, bites, pulls hair and hurts my daughter if she can't have a toy she wants or my child will not "do" what she wants at the time. Both children are very verbal. The mother does not discipline her child in a way that we agree with. She seems to be making excuses such as she didn't sleep well, the new baby, claims the child has food allergies, which all could be legitimate. Our child on the other hand is disciplined by both my husband and we have helped her to understand that hitting, biting, and hurting another person/animal is unacceptable. We have guided her thorough demonstrating empathy and caring for others. My husband and I think that we should move her because it has come to a point in which our child is fearing going to the home. We are having a meeting with the mother about the situation, but how do you aproach a loving mother and tell her that her child is out of control. Beyond the biting we are happy and feel safe with our child being at this home. We are lost...

Rebecca
Juneau , AK

A: Dear Rebecca,

I agree that you should take your child out of the situation. There is not necessarily anything wrong with the two year old who is doing the biting. Certain kids are "biters" and certain kids are not. I am not saying that the mother should not discipline her child, however, it is a phase and the child will grow out of it. (See some of my previous answers for biting.) Although it is just a phase, you do not need to have your child participate in this phase. You should not put your child into a situation that she feels scared and is getting hurt over and over again. Tell the woman that you understand that it is perfectly normal for her daughter to be biting but you have to do what is best for your child. I am sure that she will understand your reasoning. If not, that is not something that you need to worry about. Your priority is your child - and the other mother will come around to understanding that someday.

Good luck!
Jill