April 1999
Q: Dear Jill,

We are looking for recommendations, or at least a listing, of child/school psychologists in the Princeton, NJ area who might evaluate our 7 year old son with respect to what appear to be mild educational development deficencies. What ever information you can provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
Eric Sleeper
West Windsor , NJ

A: Project Child is part of Mercer County Special Child Health Services. They do free evaluations of children for various issues. Their number is 609-730-4152.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Dear Jill, When should you start speaking about sex with your children, and at what level? My 7 year old (first grade) has already learned about some things from the bus ride to and from school.

Regards,
Peter Gibson Hopewell, NJ

A: Dear Peter, You should start talking about sex as soon as your child starts knowing about it. At what level - that depends on your child's understanding. You need to answer your child's questions as honestly as possible. You do not want your child to think there is anything that they can't come to you and talk about. If they ask where a baby comes from - tell them that the mother and father make a baby. And you can get into details. You child will stop you when they feel uncomfortable. Take the cues from your child. This is a difficult subject but an important one.

Good luck!

Jill


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Q: Dear Jill,

I have two stepdaugthers ages 19 and 21 with whom I have very good relationships with. My husband and I have a 23 month old son. My stepdaughters adore their half-brother and he loves them. In May, my 21 year old stepdaughter will be graduating from college. We will be attending the graduation ceremony as will her mother (my husband's ex-wife) and stepfather. My question is, How and when do I begin to explain to my son that his "sisters" have a different mother and why. How should I introduce my stepdaughters' mother to my son? My relationship with their mother has been somewhat tense from time to time but is cordial and civil. Thanks for your advise.

Sue Clerico
Hillsborough , NJ

A: Dear Sue,

You should explain to your son (as soon as he can understand) what the actual relationship is with his half-sisters. If you start to explain it and he doesn't seem interested, give up and try again another time. But if he is interested and seems to understand what you are saying, tell him now. There is nothing to hide - this is the way your family is. If you treat it like it is normal, he probably won't question it. Introduce your husband's ex-wife as your step-daughter's mother.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: My son is 22 months old and has been in 3 day/week, 3 hour/day preschool since February, 1999. He seems happy to go to school, hugs and kisses me good bye, and runs off to play. His teachers tell me that he is happy for about 30 minutes and then begins to cry. It seems any time one of them (teacher) leaves the room for something he gets very upset. Could this be a sign that he is not ready to go to preschool? I thought the socialization would be good for him, but now I'm not sure.

Sue Clerico Somerville , NJ

A: Dear Sue,

If your son is only having a problem when they leave the room then it probably is not that he is not ready for preschool. Have the teachers try to help him with the transition - what do you do when you leave him in a room at home? They could try to give him warnings when they are planning to leave. Also, they could explain to him that they will be back when the other teacher is finished reading the book. They probably need to tell him where they are going and what they are doing. Some children feel better when they know more. They need to help him adjust - this should not be a problem for the teachers to do. They probably won't need to do this for the rest of the school year. Once he gets used to the routine, he will probably stop the crying.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Dear Jill:

I have had the pleasure of taking your 4 week lecture series on "redirecting behavior" at the Montessori school recently and enjoyed it very much. I did get a lot out of it and my daughter has truly benefited by it.

My 3 year old girl was adopted at 17 months of age from China. She clung to me at first meeting and has grown to have an independent but loving relationship with me (a single mom). I am a stay at home mom and my daughter and I are with each other constantly, although not exclusively. She stays with my housekeeper easily and goes with friends and relatives with no problem. She will not sleep overnight at anyone's home though, not even her grandma's house. She cries to come home to mommy and sleep in her crib.

She has always favored her friend's mom or dad over me when we are all together. We go to "Music Together" and she sits with my friend and her daughter never staying with me. She and her friend were with nannies recently on vacation and each day I would hold my arms out to welcome her and she would run right passed me to her friend's mom!

It really gets to me after a while. I always end up walking by myself and my friend has one child on each arm.

Can this be a game? Or am I doing something wrong?

Lorraine Wageman
Princeton , NJ

A: Dear Lorraine,

It actually sounds very normal. It sounds like she is asserting her independence. It is very important that you allow her to do this and do not make her feel bad for it. Do not take it personally - it actually shows how secure she feels with you. Both of my sons preferred their father at that age and didn't want anything to do with me if he was around. It is a little disconcerting but when my older son turned four - he started to prefer me (oedipus). If your friend has a problem with it then you might want to get involved. I would just enjoy the free arms! If you are very concerned - which I do not think you should be - you can take her to a child psychologist to let her be observed. I really think this is a stage and she will get over it like any other.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Our 7-year old daughter recently got very upset at a visit to my in-laws house. She has always been a very quiet girl; some may describe her as shy. At this last visit, my in-laws attempted to get my daughter to say Hello when we arrived. This is something that has always been an issue with them. Erica rarely says hello and when she does it is always very soft so you can barely hear her. They also always ask for hugs or kisses and that is definately something my daughter does not like to do. She rarely even kisses her Daddy! That's always been her personality and I see nothing wrong with it. However, my in-laws believe that Erica has a problem and that children don't behave that way. At this last visit, she got so upset that she refused to speak to anyone and then proceeded to sit on the floor by herself and cover herself with her coat. I tried to talk with her and ask what was wrong, but she just wanted to be left alone. Another part of this is that my in-laws would not give her a gift they had for her until she said hello. Erica didn't speak to anyone for at least 2 hours and finally said she didn't even care if she got a present. My main concern is that Erica is keeping her feelings to herself and not allowing anyone else to help her. My other concern is that she is being disrespectful when she does not say hello when we are visiting with relatives or people we know. As I said earlier, Erica has always had this personality but she does very well in school and has lots of friends. It seems that she is just not comfortable at my in-laws for whatever reason. Any suggestions on how to get Erica to explain to us what is bothering her? And should I be concerned if she doesn't want to say Hello? I can tell that my in-laws are getting very upset about it. Any ideas?

Jackie Zohn
Princeton Junction , NJ

A: Dear Jackie,

It is great that you accept your child as she is and it is too bad that your in-laws do not. It does not sound like your daughter has a problem. Tell your in-laws to think back to a time when they were smaller than everyone else and remember how that feels. If they can be more understanding with her, she may warm up to them. Explain to them that it takes her a while to warm up to people.

Give your daughter information about what behaviors are expected in different situations. Do this at a time when you are alone with her. Role play with her so she knows how to behave. You may want to show her pictures of people that she acts shy with and tell her stories about them. She can draw a picture for them if she wants to. Also, try letting her talk on the phone with them before she visits them. All of these things can help her become more comfortable with your in-laws. If they have something at their house that makes her feel comfortable - like a favorite stuffed animal or game - that may help. Enlist their help in thinking of ways to make their relationship more comfortable. And ask them to be patient. If they still feel that she has a problem, then there is nothing you can do about that. Work on it from your end. Once your daughter knows what is expected - step back and let her handle the situation. Do not correct her or remind her in front of others as this is very disrespectful. Tell other adults that if they have an issue with your child, they can tell her directly what they expect from her.

With time and understanding, she will get more comfortable with adults.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: I am currently working at a Daycare, we have a child there that we are having some problems with and no one knows what to do. This little boy is 3 years old, he does not speak a lot and he pushes and hits the other children for no reason at all. When we put him in time out and talk to him he doesn't seem to understand. We do not know what to do and many of the parents are getting very upset over this. Our vice presidents' decision was to give him a month to straighten up or to kick him out. I don't feel that it is right to kick him out but I really do not know what to do can you please help?

Thank you,
Gina Boone
Kearns , UT

A: Dear Gina,

If the child does not talk much, pushing and hitting are other ways the child can communicate. They obviously are not ideal but they are normal for the child's age. I would stop time-out. As you can see, it doesn't work. What you need to do every time he hits or pushes - say as calmly as you can, "Hitting hurts. You may not hit." Take his hands and hold them in a kind but firm way so that he cannot hit again. You need to stay on top of the child to look for the warning signs that he is about to hit or push. This is difficult but only needs to be done for a limited time. Say, "You can hit a pillow but people are not for hitting." Tell him to point to what he wants or try to use his words. The calmer you are as you do this, the sooner it will end.

It would be a shame to kick the boy out. If what I have suggested doesn't help after several weeks, please send me an email. Also, read other answers on similar topics to get additional ideas.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Dear Jill,

I seem constantly upset at my parents. They say it is hormones, but I know that there has got to be a way to control myself. I get really defensive every time they say something, even if they are joking. What can I do so that I don't feel so angry with them, or not be so defensive.

Signed,
angry teen

A: Dear Angry Teen,

I think part of what you are feeling is normal for a teen. You are a very strong person to ask for help - to know that you can't do it on your own. Being a teen is not easy. It is a time in your life when you want independence yet you need your parents. This is very confusing and most teens go through some period being angry at their parents. You do need to learn to control yourself if you are saying things that you regret. Some calming techniques when you find yourself getting very emotional:

Take ten deep breaths before you say anything.
Count to ten.
Squeeze a pillow.
Go for a jog or a walk.
Put on some calming music.
Try to talk to your parents when everyone is calm and explain what you need. Tell them it is very important to you that they listen to you - not lecture or talk - but listen. If this does not work, ask them if you can all see a counselor together. Maybe the counselor can help you to communicate with each other.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Hi Jill,

I prefer not to give out my address on the internet. I hope you don't mind and can give me some advice anyway. My grandson is 6 years old and my daughter is having a terrible time with him. He's started screaming and whining whenever he's upset. At first it was just with my daughter now it's with the school bus driver, his teacher and the principal. Everyone seems to be at their wits end. I am very concerned. He doesn't act this way with his grandpa and I, once or twice he tried whining and I told him to behave or I would take him home and he straightened right up. My daughter is a single mom and she's had a lot of health problems and has moved around quite a bit since he was born. In fact he lived with us for a year when he was little, before he was old enough to go to school. I didn't think she was having such a hard time with him, until now. His school teacher called me just recently and said he was in the middle of the highway with another little boy while they were waiting for their bus throwing snowballs. He could have been killed. I'm really concerned. He's only 6 years old, he'll be seven in April. Please, any ideas you may have about this behavior would be much appreciated.

Thank you...... Kathy
Ionia, MI

A: Dear Kathy,

I think the health problems that you mentioned might have something to do with his behavior. If a child was not having behavior problems and then develops a behavior problem, usually something external has triggered it. He may be scared that his mother is dying but doesn't want to ask about it. Someone needs to talk to him at a time when he is not misbehaving and ask him if he is scared of anything. Don't tell him not to be scared - tell him that you understand his feeling. In other words, empathize with him. Listen - and allow him to express himself. You may find out why he has been misbehaving.

Good luck,
Jill


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Q: Dear Jill,

I am a stepparent of two girls ages 7 and 10. I was just married in July of '98. Due to my husbands' ex-wife, our relationship has endured many ups and downs. His ex-wife speaks badly about me to both my husband and their children, she spreads viscous, unfounded rumors about me that could affect my current job as a teacher. When I am alone with the children we get along very well. However, the 6 year old girl has expressed that she feels bad for liking me because I am mean to her mother. I do not speak negatively about their mother (in front of them) and feel that their mother is playing horrible mental games with her children. I feel like all I do around them lately is bite my tongue. Even when they make comments, I try to diffuse them...I never tell them how it is in an effort to protect them from seeing how manipulative and hurtful their mother really is. She just recently filed for an amendment in visitation stating that due to my ex-husbands' remarriage the children are emotionally distressed. I do think the marriage has caused the children emotional distress because their mother is so resentful and hurtful. She has imposed these feelings on her children and is responsible for causing them pain. We are currently dealing with a Guardian ad Lidem whose goal is to help discover the truth and provide guidance. I am so upset by all that has transpired...I feel I have no voice as this woman makes attempts to destroy me both professionally and personally. No matter what I do I am condemned. I just recently spent my school vacation caring for her children as she works her job ($65,000) and receives child support ($875/week). I am really growing tired of always being the one who makes sacrifices and receives nothing in return. Why is she not held accountable for her actions? Meanwhile the kids remain hurt and confused as they struggle with their guilt for liking me. Their mother says that the younger child does not like me and says that I am mean to her. I think she may actually say these things but not because they are true. I think that if she is saying them it is because she wants her mother to think they are true so she won't hurt her feelings. What do you think and can you offer any advice for helping the kids through all of this?

Thanks for listening!
Amy Stabile
North Andover , MA

A: Dear Amy,

It sounds like you have a very difficult situation on your hands. I am not an expert on divorce but I can tell you that what the mother is doing will negatively impact the children. You are right not to speak negatively about their mother in front of them - that must be very hard but it is best for the children. You cannot control what their mother tells them but you can act appropriately. The only suggestion I have for you is don't do anything that you are going to resent anyone for. You recently spent your vacation caring for her children and it sounds like you resented doing that. If you don't want to spend your vacation doing that - you shouldn't. That will only create more resentment and anxiety in the situation. You need to be there to support the children as best as you can but you also need to take care of yourself.

All the information regarding divorce and step-parents that I have read indicates that you should not use the children as pawns between the divorced mother and father. Also, it is in the children's best interest to facilitate the best possible relationship between the children and the new step-parent. It may be difficult to do but it is best. All you can do for the children is listen to what they say and be empathetic. They know deep down inside that you are not what their mother says you are.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Jill