August 1998
Q: Do you have any advice on how to discipline a 16 month old boy who is very spoiled? My best friend is having trouble with her son. She works days and her husband works nights. They only spend Sundays together. What one parent says is okay the other one doesn't. His behavior is getting out of hand. She would like to start time-out, but isn't sure how to begin. If you have any suggestions I could pass on to her it would be appreciated.

A: I remember when my first son was around 16 months old he changed from a little angel into a child with a mind of his own. This is the age when most people begin the process of discipline and the key word is begin. It is normal and natural for a 16 month old to challenge everything we tell them to do. We should look at this as them asserting their independence. Sometimes this assertiveness can drive us crazy and we end up being ruled by our small toddlers. There are steps we can take to make life with a toddler more peaceful. First of all, choose your battles. Hitting and biting should not be tolerated but if your child does not want to eat all of his peas you can let that go. Be clear when you have a rule and state it once, then take an action. "If you hit, we must leave Johnny's house." And if you say this, you must follow through. Rules without consistency will result in our children testing us more. Second, distraction is a great way to handle children at this age. They are still able to change from one thing to another fairly easily. Distract your child away from the item he should not play with by giving him a different item. Third, involve your child in the task at hand. By 18 months, children should be able to: turn off lights while being carried, carry in the newspaper or mail, get their own cereal from kid-friendly containers, wash tables and counters with a damp sponge, pick up toys and clothes, put soiled diaper in diaper pail, wash vegetables, tear lettuce, stir, help set the table, feed and water pets, run simple errands around the house, help put groceries away, take clothes out of dryer. This is just a short list of how you can involve your child in everyday chores and if you do, you will find that your child will give you less struggles. Finally, time out should be used very sparingly with a child this young, if at all. A 16 month old does not understand why you are putting him into time out and may become scared if left alone. Try the other ways listed above in order to make your child more helpful. And know that this stage is a short one - as soon as your child becomes more verbal you will be able to reason with him more and you will find him less frustrated and easier to be around.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: I have a cousin who just turned two in April. Just before his second birthday he started having terrible screaming fits. Sometimes they last only a minute or so, and other times they last for over an hour or until he makes himself vomit. Everyone in our family is trying to be very patient with him. Do you know what causes children to just scream until they are sick? My aunt is home all day with him, and my uncle is home a lot as well. I am living with them this summer to be closer to my job. Can you please offer me some suggestions on how to make this behavior stop or to help us tolerate it better.

Thank you.
Jeannette Haug
Yorktown , NY

A: Dear Jeannette,

It sounds like your cousin is having temper tantrums. Read my previous answers on what to do for temper tantrums. Why does he start screaming? If it is because he isn't getting what he wants DO NOT GIVE IN! This will only reinforce the behavior and show him that screaming works. Basically ignore a temper tantrum and wait until he calms down before you try to talk to him. I have heard of children who scream until they throw up and that can be very upsetting. But all you can do is try to teach your cousin calming techniques like counting to ten or taking deep breaths and then it is up to the child to learn to calm himself.

As for you, I would walk away. It isn't your child and if you get upset by the behavior, let his parents handle it.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: My son will be 4 years old next week and has been toilet trained for about a year. In the last few weeks he has been soiling his pants every day. There haven't been any major traumas or changes going on in our lives. Except that schools out. He only seems to do it at home while he is upstairs playing. I'm at a loss as to why this is happening or how I should handle this. Any suggestions?

Sue Parker
Milwaukee , WI

A: Dear Sue,

This exact thing happened to me with my son. They are used to going to the bathroom when the class goes in the morning as part of a routine. Children love routines and when school is over they need new routines. We started a rule that right when my son woke up (before he could watch t.v. or play), he had to "drain". We showed him that we adults do it as soon as we wake up. It became sort of a game - who could do it first.

Don't be discouraged - children have too much fun in life to stop everything to go to the bathroom. Don't you wish we lived life like that?

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: Hi,

I have two boys 4 and a half and 2. They are great outside, but at home there is constant fighting. The older is always picking on the younger. It seems to me he does not want let him be. He wants to make decisions for him, he wants everything he touches and he wants everything first. I am a little concerned because on top of that he is a little shy in new settings and despite the fact that he goes to the same pre school for two years, it doesn't seem like he is confident in it.

Thank you,
Annais Tulleman
New York , NY

A: Dear Annais,

It sounds like he is trying to show his dominance at home because he finds it hard to in other situations. Observe the boys interacting without them knowing that you are doing it. See what happens if you don't intervene. If they work it out and both are happy, the best advice is not to intervene in their relationship.

You do not need to be concerned about your older child's shyness except that it may be a sign that you need to build his confidence. Give him responsibilities around the house like helping you cook or cleaning his room. And don't correct him even if he doesn't do it exactly like you want him to. Believe it or not, these responsibilities build his confidence and therefore build his self-esteem.

As for picking on his younger brother, that is normal. There are a lot of things you can do about sibling rivalry. First of all, try not to intervene as I wrote previously. Try to let the two of them work it out. If your two year old doesn't talk well, you can facilitate their discussions. For example, "Your brother is crying. What does it mean when he cries? It usually means that he doesn't like what you are doing. What do you think you could do differently?" In this way, you are facilitating their communication and letting your older son come to his own conclusions. This is much better than telling him what to do. Secondly, things don't have to be equal. Allow your older son to want everything first but don't allow him to grab it out of his brother's hands. If your son asks for it and his brother gives it to him, great! Don't worry that the younger one is always giving things up for the older one. The younger one enjoys the interaction with his brother and may not mind giving up the toy.

Finally, look at my previous answers to sibling issues and read the book, Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Sibling rivalry is one of the toughest issues we face as parents. Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Jill