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April 1998
Q: I have a 2.5 year old son. It bothers me greatly that Ihave work full-time. I feel I am missing out on parenting and the rewards it brings. I have used my vacation days to be with him for the first 2 years and I need to work for insurance. I would like to work part-time and probably afford to live with less. I am concerned about the effect on my son's absence because I am working. Otherwise, I am happy with the arrangements I have for childcare. My husband is home one-half of the time, and he is is in pre-school 13 hours a week. I feel guilty about my absence, but I like to rewards of working. Satisfaction with accomplishment What should I do?
A: If it bothers you that you are working full-time then you should probably reevaluate that decision. If you like the rewards of working, then part-time work is most likely the best option. I believe if a parent wants to be home with their child then they should do everything in their power to be home. If that means living with less, then do it. Our society is too focused on material things. Having less material things in exchange for spending more time with your child sounds like a great option to me. Go for it!!!
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I have a 2.5 year old son who is a terribly picky eater. This began ever since he started eating baby food. I never could get him to eat but 1 or 2 veggies and no meat. The only meat he will eat is chicken nuggets and beef only if it's in spaghetti. I can hardly get him to eat veggies. He likes bread, junk food, fried food, rice, and macaroni. I have tried to offer him all different things, but he looks and it and without trying it says "I don't like it!". I give him vitamins to try to compensate, and the doctors tell me not to worry because a lot of children are picky eaters and as long as I give him vitamins he'll be fine. I'm still a worried mother. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Amy
(mother of Matthew 2.5)
A: Since children's survival and health depend on being well fed, it's not surprising that parents worry about what their children eat. But parents, in most cases, should not worry. First of all, your doctor said not to worry - so don't. Secondly, children should eat when their bodies say they are hungry, not when adults assume they should be hungry. And if we do not interfere with the signals from their bodies by forcing them to eat, then their bodies will take care of the rest.
The best thing a parent can do is to offer children healthy choices. They will then follow their body's signals and choose. Don't worry if your child doesn't pick the broccoli - they can get the betacarotene and Vitamin C from cantaloupe and kiwi. And think about it - you don't like to eat all foods, so why should they?
Two year olds love power struggles so if you make eating into one - the only one who is winning is the child. Let your child decide what he wants to eat within limits. I wouldn't cook several different meals just so he will pick one. Cook one meal and then offer something that doesn't take much time like cereal or a peanut butter sandwich. If you don't put much effort into the preparation of the food then you won't be so upset if he doesn't eat it.
Good Luck!
Jill
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Q: I have a 16 month old daughter, Arielle. Is there anything that I can do to encourage her to seek positive attention? For example, in the morning at her school before I leave, she has a favorite teacher who now teaches another class about an hour after Arielle arrives. She is the favorite of all of the kids, so they tend to crowd around her. Arielle will look over to the group, but rather than join them, she will throw her stuffed cat or make some other negative gesture which usually gets her attention, but does not endear her.
At home we say "not nice" and try to engage her in some positive behavior which results in praise (and often, affection). She is not speaking yet, and It is my understanding that her behavior is probably normal. I was just wondering if there was a way for me to show her how to get what she wants.
A: As your example demonstrates, children will get the attention they want in positive ways or negative ways. If you are at home, I would ignore her bids for negative attention (let her know in advance that you are going to do this). And make sure you give her lots of spontaneous hugs throughout the day. Use nonverbal signals to show that you are aware of your child's desire for attention, but you are not willing to give any at the present time. Stroking her arm, holding your hand out in the stop position or putting your finger to your lips all work well. At school, she will learn how to get positive attention by natural consequences. She will see what happens when she throws her stuffed cat versus when she joins the group. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable being part of a group and needs some individual attention. She is just standing up for herself by trying to do that. But the teacher should be the one to say to her, "Arielle, if you want my attention, ask me. If you ever want a hug, ask me." She will get the idea.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: Do you have any suggestions for making meals in restaurants more pleasant for Arielle (16 months old) and us? We usually bring books that she loves, but sometime she just wants to rome.
A: Restaurants just haven't been designed for 16 month olds (except a few like the Ground Round or McDonald's). I would take turns walking with Arielle until the food arrives and then make sure to have food she likes and some toys. But you need to know that she is not being "bad" when she doesn't sit still at a restaurant. She is just exploring her world which is something you want to encourage. If eating out is not enjoyable for you, I would only go to kid friendly places until she gets a little older. Or even better - get a babysitter and have a date with your husband! You deserve it!!! Jill
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My almost 16 month old son has recently gotten very squirmy on the diaper changing table. Most of the time when I put him down to change him, he immediately turns over on his belly and tries to climb off. I try to distract him by singing and occupying him with different toys but what used to work when he was smaller no longer seems to do the trick. Changing him on the bed or floor doesn't seem to make a difference either if he's in one of the active states. Any suggestions?
Debra Milecofsky Wachspress
A: Dear Debra,
It is important to remember that diapering difficulties are a developmental phase. As a newborn moves into the toddler stage, his world opens up. You can expect a wide range of emotions and behaviors as your child experiments with new ways of being. Stubbornness, willfulness, frustration and independence are all part of becoming a toddler. This, while feeling frustrating to you, is a normal, positive sign that the child is on track developmentally. While you are going through this stage, it seems to last forever. But it will end. How do we make it less of a battle? Can your desire for a clean diaper and your child's desire for independence be combined so you can both win?
Following are ways to help prevent diapering struggles:
1. Have an object that is taken out only when diapering. Use colorful jewelry, a special toy, old credit cards or something that will capture your child's attention.
2. Hang a picture near the changing table and ask questions about the picture.
3. Play show-me games. "Where are Bobby's eyes?"
4. Explain what you are doing and show him what is in his diaper. Tell him about how it gets there. And then have him throw it in the toilet and wave good-bye to it.
5. Have him be a "diaper helper" and hand you the supplies.
6. Have someone else change his diaper - sometimes the novelty of a new person lessens the struggle.
7. Have him stand up. This can help him feel more powerful than lying down.
8. Make sure his needs are satisfied. Timing is everything. Don't try to change his diaper when you are feeling rushed or when he is in the middle of a favorite activity.
9. Give him a choice. "Do you want Mommy or Daddy to change you?" "Do you want to get changed on the floor or the couch?" My son and I even made it a game. He would say "I want to get changed on top of this pencil!" and then I would say, "How about on top of the telephone?". Sometimes, if possible, I would do it.
10. Have supplies ready before you get to the changing table.
11. Take care of yourself. What can bring the stubbornness out of a child? A tired, overwhelmed parent. It is important that you take care of yourself. Eat healthy, get regular exercise, get proper rest and everyday, give yourself a half hour of alone time. If you want to be a better parent you need to start by being better to yourself.
12. If worse comes to worse, be kind and firm. Talk calmly to your child while you use firm control without being hurtful. Keep your temper under control and you can both walk away feeling o.k.
13. Encourage him for cooperating when he does. "You are being so helpful." "Thank you for cooperating."
Remember, this is a developmental phase and keep your sense of humor!
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I am a student at East Tennessee State University and I am doing research on how parents talk to their children about sexuality. I was wondering if you could suggest some literature that would be beneficial to my research? What it is that I am exactly looking for is not parents talking to their kids about sex, but parents explaining sexuality. Thank you very much for your time.
Sincerely,
Brenna Bevins
A:I have been told that the book, "What's Happening to My Body, A Book For Girls" is a good resource. There is also one for boys. It not only explains the plumbing you learn at school, but goes a lot into the real details that young girls are curious about (like the physiological response that happens when you see a boy you like a lot). The details are graphic enough, yet simple so that kids can learn without glamorizing sex. A mother and her daughter could read the book together silently, side-by-side sitting on her bed. There are lots of question/answer things and it gives them an opportunity to communicate in writing what may be too embarrassing to ask out loud. They write some of the sweetest, most innocent questions, I wish I had had someone to discuss these things with when I was 10. The introduction to the book also acknowledges the discomfort in talking about this subject and makes you realize the importance of communicating with your children early about it. It said they start fighting with everyone if their questions go unanswered. They need this information from their parents in a safe non-judgemental environment.
Thanks for the question!
Jill |
