June 1998
Q: Hi there. I read your document about shy children and I myself is in need of advice in that area. I've a 15 yr old. She is not shy at school as far as her teacher says. She doesn't like certain kids, esp. who are smarter than her (we all were in that position!). She doesn't like anybody who criticizes her (who does?, but she expresses the hostility by not avoiding them!) But my major concern is her hostility to my relatives. She doesn't even come out of her room when my relatives come to visit us. She is very outspoken and she tells whatever comes to her mind. This has caused many trouble to me since my relatives are very conservative and wants her to be polite. I also have a 21 yr old who is sweet and kind to others. Even if she is sore to others in mind, she doesn't show it. So everybody likes her. Can you help my 15 yr old to be like 21 yr old?

Suja

A: Dear Suja,

When you say your daughter is being hostile - I have to question that. If she doesn't come out of her room, she is probably protecting herself from something. A teenager is going through a lot of emotions that parents find hard to understand. Maybe that is her way of exerting some control over the situation. Or possibly she is just shy and that is her way of dealing with her shyness. The key here is changing your view of what she is doing. And when you change your view of her being hostile to asking yourself, "What is she trying to communicate?", you will find it will be easier to open up communication between you and your daughter.

It is so important to communicate with your teen. They act like they don't need parents but they actually need you more now than ever. Don't be put off if at first if she sends you away when you try to talk to her. This is normal. Just say, "When you are ready to talk, let me know. I am here for you." Then when she starts communicating - LISTEN. This is one of the hardest things for parents to do. We immediately start solving their problems or criticizing them without even knowing it. Just listen to her and mirror what she is saying. Say, "It sounds like you are really angry at ____." or "You seem really sad." You will be amazed at the results that you will get.

Do not compare her to your other daughter. That promotes competition between them and is unfair to your 15 year old. Each child is unique and you have to look for the good in each of them. Other people, especially relatives, may compare them but you have to counter their remarks with, "Sally just takes a longer time to get to know people. Once you know her you will find that she is a lot of fun!"

Parenting a teen is a difficult task. If you got away with an easy first child, you were lucky. That is not the norm.

Good Luck!
Jill

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Q: I have a 6yr old daughter that I have been having problems with at daycare and after school care. When I arrive to pick her up I get told from the daycare provider that she has been misbehaving. She doesn't want to do as asked, example: After lunch one day the teacher at daycare told the kids that they would be going outside after she helped clean up the lunch plate and that they needed to watch a movie or listen to another teacher read them a story. My daughter didn't want to do those things. The teacher gave her the options again and she still wouldn't listen to her, she starts crying and doesn't want to listen to anybody. Then she won't tell them what she wants. She clams up and won't talk, sometimes she throws tantrums and starts hitting and biting the teachers. I usually get a phone call at work that she won't cooperate.

One time I had her at a different daycare because I thought she was just tired of going there, (she had been going there since the age of 2) one day I got a phone call from that daycare provider. She had one of her toys and didn't want to share with another child so the provider put the toy away so no one could have it. She started crying, yelling "I hate you" hitting one of the babies, tearing up books, breaking toys etc... the daycare provider tried putting her in time out she wouldn't go, she tried putting her in a room by herself till she calmed down she destroyed everything she could get her hands on. This went on for 2 hrs. I finally had to go get her and take her home.

Now, she isn't this way at home, I have no problem getting her to listen or doing what I ask. I have at times spanked her and I think she knows the others can't or won't spank her. This doesn't happen all the time but enough to cause a problem. I am at my wits end!!!

I have tried talking to her, I've tried taking things away for punishment and as a last resort a spanking. I try not to use spanking as a punishment because I don't think it does any good, but when it gets that bad I don't know what else to do. Can you give me any good advice? I thought about going to counseling with her.

(a quick note: she was born with a defect of the tongue which causes her tongue to be very large so it sticks out of her mouth, and it is purple, we are in the final stages of getting that taken care of by means of removing part of her tongue) I thought this might be part of her anger coming out because she is different looking from other children.

Please help me find a way to deal with this.

Lori

A: Dear Lori,

I think counseling is a good idea. She is definitely trying to tell you something. And the day care providers do not sound like they know how to handle your situation. You need to find a provider that does. There are good providers out there.

Have there been changes in your situation recently? A move, divorce or death in the family could be affecting your daughter and counseling will help with that. The situation with her tongue may definitely be part of what is going on. She is at an age where looks start to matter (believe it or not!) and children can say mean things.

I would advise you to stop the spanking and use other forms of discipline, if possible. Children feel angry after they are spanked and she may be taking that anger out when you are not around. "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols is a great book that will describe other forms of discipline than spanking. You can find it at the bookstore or order it from 1-800-257-9002.

Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Jill

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Q: It was a pleasure listening to you speakat CPC nursery school last month- my husband and I learned a tremendous amount. We are currently having a problem with our middle daughter's Lindsay's "potty" training skills at the age of five.Lindasy has an older sister who is 7 yrs old(and very competitive with) and a younger sister who is 2 1/2 yrs old. Lindsay has periods of time when she stays dry for a week or two, but invariably has several episodes of mishaps . My husband and I try not to get angry at her, and we simply make Lindsay clean up after herself. We have read several places not to do overreact to this behavior, but we seem to be reaching the end of our rope. Do you have any suggestions? thanks again.

Cassie and Bob Burke

A: Dear Cassie and Bob,

Have you had her checked by a doctor? She may be having mishaps because she has a physical problem. That is the first step I would take. If there is no physical problem, then you have to find out if you are making it into a power struggle. Honestly ask yourselves, "Have I let go of this issue?" If you haven't tried it in the past then now is the time to try. See if she is having accidents because she wants to get to you. It is hard to let go of this issue but say to yourself that it is her problem if she has an accident, not a reflection on you as a parent. You can't pretend to do this because your child will see through this. You have to really let go. Another suggestion is to win-win negotiate with her. Sit down with her when you are all calm and tell her that you need to talk to her about something. Then tell her what the problem is and start brainstorming on solutions. Do not say anything negative until you are done brainstorming. Then go through all the solutions and come up with a few that you all agree on. You will be surprised with what she comes up with!

Good luck!
Jill