June 1999
Q: Well it's probably a temper tantrum, however I have never seen my 2 1/2 year old scream like this before. He saw his father eating some chips late at night, he then just woke up and began saying that he wanted "His share and Where was his?" I told him to go back to bed and that he wasn't getting any. He then began to scream out "Where is Mine, I want MINES" at the top of his lungs with tears attached. I really did not know what to do. Luckily my mother lives upstairs and we(me and his father) brought him to my mothers' house. In which he did stop after a while but I think it's because he wasn't around the chips or that environment anymore. Was this a tantrum or is this a sign of a developmental problem.

PS: I am a new mother. Meaning {No experience)
HELP!!
N. Johnson
Brooklyn, NY

A: Dear N. Johnson,

What you experienced was most definitely a temper tantrum and it is perfectly normal for a 2 ½ year old. Your child is just beginning to understand that he can say no and that it feels powerful to do it. The next time it happens (and it will happen again) try to ignore the tantrum. Do not give in to the tantrum as this will teach him to do it more. Empathize with his feelings - say, "You must feel angry that you cannot have some chips. I can understand how you feel." If he needs you to help him calm down, you can teach him some calming techniques like taking deep breaths and counting to ten. After he realizes that tantrums don't work, they will lessen. If he has a temper tantrum because of a physical need (being tired, sick, hungry, etc.) then you shouldn't ignore it - you should meet the need. But if the tantrum is because he is testing you or to gain power, then continue to ignore it.

Isn't parenting fun?
Good luck!
Jill


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Q: My grandson, 18 months, will not mind. If you tell him no, he just keeps going. If you spank him, he laughs. If you give him a time out he just sits in the playpen and plays and then once out goes back to doing what he was doing. He throws tantrums whenever he doesn't get his way. I have daycare and watch him during the day. He hits and fights with all the other kids and they don't like him. It's to the point that they cry whenever he even comes around them. He and his mother used to live with us, so I know that this is not new. He's always been this way. His Dad is my son who was exactly the same way. He grow up to have problems in school and with drugs. Please help us avoid having history repeat itself. I've worked with children over 25 years and these 2 are the only ones I've encountered with this disposition. This is not your normal terrible two tantrums. Help!

Micky Belsheim
Simi Valley , CA

A: Dear Micky,

If you are spanking your grandson, then he is learning that hitting is o.k. I would stop punishing him with spanking and time outs. He is much too young to be punished so often. At eighteen months old, a child is in the stage of exploration. It is normal for a toddler to want to get his way all the time and not to understand why he is not allowed to do things. Try to redirect him instead of punishing him. If he wants something that another child is playing with, distract him by showing him a different toy or reading him a book. If he hits, calmly say, "We don't hit. Use your words." Then get him involved in a different activity. You need to provide support and encouragement during this phase and punishment should be very rare if ever. Under the age of three (the age of "reason"), children do not understand why they are being punished. They just become angry and take it out on another child.

I strongly recommend reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka and "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols. Take a parenting class - you can call 1-800-257-9002 to find a class near you.

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: I have a question about my four year old son, he's always been really shy when he was younger he would run and hide when people came over. We decided to send him to preschool last September in hopes he would open up . It's been 7 months now and although he likes going to school he doesn't really play with the other children and won't talk to anyone including the teachers. When asked a question by the teacher he'll either point, shake his head or whisper. He's the complete opposite at home . What should we do?

Rose Gilmer
Kingston , OH

A: Dear Rose,

Being shy is something that a lot of parents have concerns about but it is normal for some children. Many children outgrow it with understanding and acceptance from their parents. Talk about it with him and discuss how he feels at school. It is a good idea to have him attend pre-school but maybe he needs a different environment. Different children respond to different teachers. Try having a conference with the teacher and the director of the school and ask them how they are going to handle the situation. Something that they can do is to ask him if there is any way that they can make him feel more comfortable. They shouldn't force him into situations that he isn't ready for like performing or singing in front of others.

If you are still concerned, it can't hurt to take him to get evaluated by a professional. Once they have indicated that there is no physical problem, relax. Be patient and understanding with your son's temperament. He will thank you for that later!

Good luck!
Jill


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Q: Dear Jill,

I have a 3 year old (December birthday) who just will not poop in the potty. He empties his bladder pretty regularly, but lies even when he messes in his pull up. Daycare isn't much help. They were really good at first, but I think that they got tired of cleaning up. I don't really know what to do. I have tried everything. If I really push the issue and make him go sit on the potty, he will eventually go, but he has never come to me and told me that he needs to go.

I'm also concerned with the fact that he is still using his pacifier. He doesn't need it as much he used to, usually nap time and bedtime, but when he gets in trouble or his feelings hurt, that's the first thing he asks for. I realize that it is a "security blanket", but a lot of people give me a hard time about it. What should I do? I've tried "trading" for it and that works for a while but then we just fall right back into the same old routine. I'm so glad I found you. Maybe now I can leave my pediatrician alone!!

Sincerely,

Amy Ford
Leeds , AL

A: Dear Amy,

Three is actually not that old to be potty training. Don't push it. If you step back from the situation and stop caring so much - I bet you he will tell you when he is ready to be trained. If they sense that it is a power struggle, sometimes children will not potty train just to feel the power of the struggle! There aren't a lot of 20 year olds that aren't potty trained!

Ask your dentist about the pacifier. If it is bad for his teeth, then I would take it away. If not, try to ignore the hard time that others are giving you. You know what's best for your child.

Good luck!
Jill