Discipline with Kindness
Positive Discipline: Being Firm and Kind

Discipline and kindness are two words that are rarely used at the same time however they work best when used together. Parents can be friendly and understanding while being firm. When parents are firm and kind, children not only behave better but also feel better about themselves.

Being kind is treating yourself and your children with respect. Being firm is simply knowing what your rules are and communicating your rules clearly and consistently. Many parents are at times too permissive and allow children to act inappropriately while at other times become too firm and dominate them. The key to being effective is to balance firmness and kindness at the same time. When children begin to complain about a rule, it is crucial that you neither argue or explain. Instead, give them an accepting look, or some other friendly gesture, but say nothing. If they persist, leave the room.

Before you apply the firm and kind approach, you must determine what your rules are. Separate your child's behaviors into categories: non-negotiable behaviors, negotiable behaviors and "free-will" behaviors. Non-negotiable behaviors will not, can not and must not be tolerated under any circumstances. Usually these are behaviors that might prove threatening to the child or to others. These include hurting others, playing with matches and vandalism. It is with these rules that children learn to respect limits and obey laws. Negotiable behaviors are important to the health and functioning of the child and family, but are not so important that they cannot be negotiated occasionally. Included are such things as bedtime, chores and homework. Negotiating these rules allow children to learn to be assertive, to make choices and to live with the consequences of those choices. Free-will behaviors are a threat to no one and are of little interest in terms of child welfare and family functioning. They include such things as what to wear, what glass to drink out of, which item of food to eat first and how to use spare time. After you have separated your child's behaviors into these categories, use your child's input as much as possible to set the rules. If you allow your children the power to have input in forming the rules, they will fight you less on the limits you have made.

Once you have established what your rules are, be clear and consistent! It is natural for children to test you to find the limits. This is how they learn what the rules really are. At a calm time (a good opportunity is during a family meeting), make sure your children understand what the rules are and why they are the rules. Explaining the reasons for the rules shows your children respect. In addition, they will be more likely to follow rules that make sense to them. It may be a good idea to write a list of the rules and post it on the refrigerator. Use pictures for children who can't read.

After your child understands the rules, consistently enforce the rules. If your child gives you a hard time when you tell her it's time to brush her teeth, hand your child the toothbrush without saying another word. Other tips for consistently enforcing rules: - Use non-threatening language. "The rule is no eating in the den." Or "As soon as you clean up your toys, we will read a book." - Offer choices. Instead of "Get into your pajamas now!!!" try "Would you like to put on your pajamas before or after we read a book?"
- Focus on the positive. Catching your child doing something well increases your child's self-esteem while encouraging him to behave better. Try not to dwell on what they are doing wrong but instead notice the positive things. "Keep up the good work!" or "Terrific effort!" are great examples of ways to encourage children.
- Model good behavior. Children learn best by watching others. If we want our children to say "please" and "thank you" then we should use these phrases with them. This also applies to knocking on your child's door, straightening up after yourself, controlling outbursts of anger and watching television.
- Talk about it later. Sometimes a "time out" is necessary before a reasonable discussion can occur. What we say in the heat of the moment can be very destructive and difficult to repair. Count to ten, go to your room, take a walk or remove yourself emotionally or physically from the situation. Do whatever works best for you.
- Don't expect too much. Don't expect it to be easy for your two year old to share his toys. Encourage him when he does share but be empathetic when he has a hard time. Remove him from the situation and realize that it is a normal developmental stage. Understanding what is normal during each stage can help you know what to expect from your child.
- It's o.k. to mess up. As parents, we are often too hard on ourselves and we expect never to make mistakes. We should view our mistakes as opportunities to show our children that it is o.k. to make mistakes. They will learn not to be too hard on themselves. Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs wrote in his book Children the Challenge, "We are not working for perfection, but for improvement. Watch for the little improvements and when you find them, relax and have faith in your ability to improve further." Give yourself a break and realize there will be many opportunities to try again.

Be firm and kind, clear and consistent, and your children will listen to the rules, have higher self-esteem and you will become happier parents. And don't forget the hugs!!