February 1998
Q: My children fight all the time over everything. What do I do?

A: One of the most difficult challenges a parent faces is maintaining a positive attitude when their children fight. We all want our children to get along with each other so much that it is hard to remain objective during their battles. But no matter what you thought you saw, you really don't know know what happened. Take this example: A researcher was studying siblings and asked the younger sister what she does to "get" her older brother. She said that she "watches" him. The researcher asked what she meant by that. She said that if he is doing something like watching t.v. she watches him and moves closer and watches him some more until he gets annoyed and pushes her away. Then she cries for mom and says that her brother pushed her. The mother always scolds the older brother and doesn't realize that the younger sibling actually provoked the incident.

What can we do when our children fight?

1. Don't take sides. Put fighting children in the same boat. Teach them that the responsibility of resolving the fight lies with them. Make sure that you stop hurtful actions like blaming, threats, etc. and express confidence in your children's ability to find their own solutions.

2. Bring peace to the fight. Get down on their level, touch them lovingly and look at each of them with acceptance. Acknowledge feelings of each and help them to appropriately express their needs or desires.

3. Teach them how to win/win negotiate. Win/win negotiating involves teaching children to resolve conflicts with the understanding that all parties should be happy with the result. Wait until the children calm down, then ask the children to share how each feels without blaming, placing guilt, or shaming the other. Help them express what they want. If a child says, "I hate my brother!" You could respond by saying, "It sounds like you are really angry with him right now." Read a book on conflict resolution or take a parenting class to get more comfortable with these skills.

Our children will need these skills of negotiation and cooperation in their relationships going forward. We can teach them these powerful skills which will benefit them for the rest of their lives. And at the same time create more peace in our homes!

Good luck!
Jill

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Hi Jill, Welcome to Family Works! Your section is great! I have a 3-1/2 year old and 2 month old. I have been looking for books on raising siblings. Do you have any suggestions? Keep up the good work!

Pamela
Delaware

A: Pamela - Thanks!

"Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish should be required reading when you have more than one child. It has helped me a lot and gives many specific tools to use to handle fighting siblings. Also, "Preparing for Your Second Child" is a great book to read to give you some pointers when you first have your second child.

On Thursday, March 5, 1998 at 7-9 pm I am giving a workshop entitled, "Handling Sibling Rivalry" at the Princeton YWCA.

Thanks for the question!
Jill

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Q: My two year old daughter likes to grab at my face. Pinching me VERY hard and/or scratching me. I keep her nails well groomed but she is still able to draw blood at times. I don't feel she is intentionally trying to hurt me. But, she does. I have asked her not to do it. I tell her she is hurting me. To no avail. It's been very difficult for me not to get angry with her. How can I stop this behavior. I equate it to the kids that bite. Thanks!

Cindy
Hopewell, NJ

A: I hope it helps to know that this is within the realm of normal behavior. When children don't know what words to use, they usually resort to physical means to get what they want. First you need to find out what your child is communicating. Is she trying to get your attention or is she trying to hurt you because she is angry at you? You need to explain to her that it is unacceptable to hurt you. If she wants your attention, tell her to ask for it. If she is angry, tell her to use her words.

It is important to deal with this behavior in ways that do not leave residual problems, such as the child feeling they are bad or deciding that it is o.k. to hurt others that are smaller than they are because adults punish by hurting them. Do not hurt the child back - hurting a child does not help her learn to stop hurting others. Watch the child closely for a couple of days. Every time she looks like she is ready to pinch you, hold her hand and say, "It is not o.k. to hurt. Tell me what you want." Offer a distracting choice, "Do you want to play with the blocks?" Other ideas include role playing with your child and asking her, " How would you feel if I pinched you? What would you like me to do instead?" You could also try brainstorming with her on other ways she could handle the situation. Finally, tell her how you feel when she pinches, "I feel angry when you pinch me because I do not like being hurt. I wish you would find something else to do instead of pinching."

Remember it probably is a phase and it will end!

Good Luck,
Jill