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February 1999
Q: I have question about kids that lie. I have an 8 year old daughter. I am married for the 2nd time. My wife says that Lindsey is always lieing. I work sometimes at night. Belinda (my wife) can't stand when Lindsey lies all the time. For an example, Belinda asks Lindsey if she has completed her homework. She says yes she has (she wants to go out to play with the other kids). When Belinda asks to see her homework, Lindsey gives a reason why she didn't finish her homework. She didn't remember if she was supposed to finish this part of her work. When confronted, she says, oh yes I was supposed to do that part. I forgot. Then when Belinda asked Lindsey if she had brushed her teeth, Lindsey says yes she did. When Belinda checks her toothbrush it is bone dry. Belinda asked Lindsey why she lied about brushing her teeth. Lindsey said, I wanted to brush when it is closer to 9:00 (bedtime) Belinda says to Lindsey, why did you have to lie about brushing your teeth. Lindsey is always fibbing little white lies. Even with me.
I don't know how to handle this. Belinda seems to think that spankings will help with the discipline. I don't feel spanking is the solution. Violence dosen't help.
Please help me on this...
Thank you.
Barry Rosenberg
Phoenix , Az
A: Dear Barry, First of all, you are absolutely right about not spanking. Spanking does not help with discipline. It only hurts a child's self-esteem and leads to more lying. You need to take a parenting class with your wife and learn different ways to discipline. You can call 800-257-9002 to find an instructor in your area. I am not sure if Belinda is your daughter's mother but if she is not, they may need to establish trust in their relationship before she can expect your daughter to listen to her. Have them spend some time together alone doing something they both enjoy. There are also some great books on step parenting - The Tale of the Second Mother by Ed and Barbara Janoe is one I would recommend.
Read my answer about the 9 year old who is lying. Lying is something most adults do. This does not justify lying, but to show you that children who lie are not defective or immoral. You need to deal with the reasons your daughter lies before you can help her give up her need to lie. Usually children lie because they feel trapped, are scared of punishment or rejection, feel threatened or just think lying will make things easier for everyone. Often lying is a sign of low self-esteem.
She is trying to get out of doing what you want. Talk to her about that. Tell her you want to communicate better with her. Ask her for advice on how to do that? Does she have any suggestions to help you be honest with each other? Listen to her and let her express her feelings. You can learn a lot about where she is coming from.
Stop asking questions that invite lying. Instead of saying, "Did you clean your room today?" say, "I noticed you didn't clean your room. Would you like to work on a plan for cleaning it?" Focus on solutions instead of blame. Be honest and say, "That doesn't sound like the truth. Most of us don't tell the truth when we are being trapped or threatened. Why don't we take some time off right now. Later I will be available if you want to share something that is going on with you."
Set an example in telling the truth. Share with your daughter times when it was difficult for you to tell the truth, but you decided it was more important to experience the consequences and keep your self-respect. Be sure this is honest sharing instead of a lecture. Children can learn that it is safe to tell the truth in their family. Even when they forget that, they are reminded with gentleness and love. They can learn that their parents care about their fears and mistaken beliefs and will help them overcome them. It is a normal phase for children to experiment with lying. If we handle this phase kindly, they will get through it and move on.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My son turns 4 January 12th, 1999. My wife and I are in the middle of a custody battle and divorce. She currently resides with her boyfriend. My son and I live together on base and have done so now since mid-April 1998. A GAL (attorney for my son) was appointed by the court. I was awarded custody of Trenton prior to this appointment. After interviewing two of my friends, her mother/father, boyfriend and a few other friends on her side, and Trenton is my home and hers, he came to the conclusion that Nicole (my spouse) was the primary attachment figure and that the parenting plan should be switched. Have you ever heard of the term, "Primary Attachment Figure." I guess I am kind of confused... and I don't even know what I wanted to ask. I feel totally lost? Like I am a bad father... and I shouldn't, my son and I spend every waking moment together, and just because I choose not to bring another woman into his life immediately (besides his mother) is that bad? I mean her boyfriend used drugs in the past and I have no idea if he is now, or if he plans too? I just don't know I am basically am writing this to hear another voice of opinion and direction? What should I do? I believe with the GAL's crazy (in my opinion) recommendation I will lose primary custody of my son to her, and he will not grow up in a good home? What to do? Thank you very much...
Sincerely,
Danny Newlon
FAFB , WA
A: Dear Danny,
You are in a difficult situation but you are not a bad father. On the contrary, you sound like a wonderful father who loves his son. You should continue to fight for your son. Appeal the decision, get another legal opinion. Your son will still have your influence because he will be spending time with you. I am not an expert in these kind of situations but I am sure that there are others in your circumstances on the internet. Seek out others and ask their opinion. Good luck! Jill
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Q: Hi
What a great web site you have!!!!!!!!!
Even I with my grown up kids found something that caught my attention and now I have a question for you. You answered the question about age to start babysitting saying there was no legal age minimum. I have been under the impression for years that there was a minimum age to consider. I was once told that if I leave my kids with someone under the age of 12 and something goes very wrong, I could be charged with abandonment of my children. What do you think?
Jeaninne Honstein
Princeton, NJ rhonstein@aol.com
A: Dear Jeaninne,
I have researched this question and there does not seem to be a definate answer. The answer that I received was that there is no legal age limit for leaving children alone. A representative from the police department said that it depends on the circumstances and the maturity of the child and that each parent must make the decision that their children are up to the responsibility of being without an adult. However, they also said that if something goes wrong and the parents are not in the house that DYFS (Division of Youth and Family Services) will be called.
I hope that this is helpful!
Jill
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Q: My 2 1/2 year old grandson has started hitting his mother when he is angry with her. He never hits anyone else. How can this situation be handled?
Pat Lindbloom
Grand Junction, CO
A: Dear Pat, Congratulations! Your grandson has reached a developmental milestone! Two and a half is the age of hitting. I am not saying that it is a pleasant time. Your daughter (in-law?) should hold his hands so that he cannot hurt her, calmly say, "We do not hit. Hitting hurts." and then distract him. Also, she can acknowledge that he is upset and encourage him to, "Use his words."
Good luck and read some of my other answers. Also, she should take a parenting class and can find one by calling 800-257-9002.
Jill
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Q: I have an 11 year old sister who obviously is very emotional. I Am 17 years old and she is a lot stronger and aggressive than Me and my mom. She has a very bad temper and when things Don't go her way, or someone doesn't do something she wants to Do, then she will yell and sometimes she hits. She's not always like this. One day she will be happy and The next she will be Very depressed. I know a lot of this is from the problems we are Having in out home right now. My dad is verbally and mentally Abusive. My mom and I were just trying to figure out a way to Relate to her and talk to her to where she doesn't freak out. Can you think of any way to help? Thanks
Heather Bell
Lakin, KS
A: Dear Heather,
You are very smart to ask for help. If you are having problems with your father, you all may need to go to family counseling. If he won't go, go without him. As far as your sister being aggressive, is she modeling what your father is doing? Children will model the behavior of their parents. That may be her way of dealing with his abusive behavior. You need to talk to her and let her know that it is o.k. to be angry about your father but it is not o.k. to take that anger out on you. You and your mother should walk away when she speaks to you in a disrespectful way and let her know that you will talk to her as soon as she talks to you respectfully.
Children aren't born aggressive, but they can become this way when no one asks their opinion or considers their needs. Your sister may not have been taught how to ask for what she wants or to have acceptable outlets for her feelings. Some suggestions:
*Instead of focusing on the behavior, try to understand the belief behind the behavior. Is she trying to punish someone who she is angry with? Does she believe that the only way to get her needs met is by acting aggressively? You need to discuss this with her and ask her to let you know if she is feeling hurt or angry about something. Give her appropriate ways to express her anger. She can punch a pillow, go outside and scream, squeeze her hands, go run outside, take ten deep breaths, count to ten, etc.
*Avoid reacting to her behavior with a power struggle. Also, avoid reinforcing aggression by giving in to it. Instead, acknowledge her need and then say, "That sounds like it is important to you. When you are willing to approach me in a respectful way, I will consider it."
I truly believe that you can gain a lot from getting help from a professional. Ask your school or friends if they know of someone who specializes in families. These problems will just get worse if you don't deal with them now.
Good luck and let me know how it goes!
Jill
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Q: My 7 year old son is throwing temper tantrums when I take him to school. He first starts crying then it progesses to him getting verbally abusive towards me. He sometimes hits, kicks and scratches during these fits of rage. I am completely baffled by his behavior and don't know what to do. He does very well in school (all A's and B's), he has many friends and likes his teacher. I have spoken with his teacher about this and she says everything is fine at school. Besides this he is a wonderful, loving child. Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
R.T
Fort Hood , Tx
A: Dear R.T, I am surprised that there are no other issues. Talk to him about what is going on at school. If he does not talk about anything, tell him that when he is ready to talk about school, you are here for him. When he talks to you, use active listening - don't say anything except nod your head and, "Tell me more." This will allow him to feel safe talking to you. If you still get no information from him, he may not be having problems at school. He may just be reacting to your reaction when he starts to cry. Give him acknowledgement when he cries about school. "I know that you don't want to go to school. I can see how you can feel that way. I miss you when you are at school." Tell him a story about a time when you didn't want to go to school. See how he reacts.
He may be reacting to you rushing him off to school. If he feels like he is being pushed away, he may be angry about that. Maybe you can plan an activity before school like playing in the playground or going for breakfast together. But explain to him that right after you spend some quality time together, he needs to go to school without an argument. If he gets verbally abusive towards you, stop where you are and tell him you will wait until he is ready to calm himself down. Do this without being angry - simply stop and wait without speaking to him. Try to do this when you are not in a rush to drop him off. He will learn that he is not getting an emotional reaction from you so he should give up the tantrums. This may be hard at first because it is emotional when our children tantrum. Count to 10 and take some deep breaths to keep yourself calm. With patience and persistence this will pay off!
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My daughter is 13 months old and throws tantrums daily. She does this when she does not get her way. If we tell her no she proceeds by throwing herself on the ground and screaming for several minutes. We don't give in at home but often when we are in public places we do. I don't know what kind of discipline to give if any at this age. What type of discipline should she receive? Do you have any suggestions about what to do when we are in public?
Juanita Tullis
Marietta, GA
A: Dear Juanita,
It is great that you don't give in to tantrums. That is the best thing to do. Tantrums are perfectly normal. She is a little young to be starting them but some children start young (lucky you!). She is asserting her independence in a very strong way. In a public place, you should either leave or ignore the tantrum. I have seen a little yellow sign that parents have put up to warn people about their child that says, "Warning: Child having a temper tantrum!"
Read some of my other anwers about tantrums. This is from one of them: One of the best ways to deal with a temper tantrum is to simply ignore it. Stay calm (that is the hardest part) and wait until it's over. Do not get angry. That will usually make the tantrum worse. Do not give in. Follow your child's lead - if he does not want to be touched or spoken to, then leave her alone. Calmly state. "As soon as you calm down, we can talk." Help her calm down by telling him to take deep breaths or count to ten. This will also help you to calm down. The calmer you are, the easier it will be for your child to calm down. If you cannot remain calm, remove yourself from the scene.
I hope this stage is short for you!
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My 2 year old son (feb 18th) has violent rage tantrums when we put him in his crib for a nap. He use to cry quite vigorously for about 5 - 10 min. and then go to sleep. Now he will carry on for 30-45 min. slamming his crib against the wall screaming/crying even hitting his head hard against the crib rail. I know he still needs a nap because he's a mess around 5 p.m. if he doesn't have one . Which lately is every day. He will fall asleep in the car w/out any problems and sleep for 30-60 minutes. I don't think it's realistic to expect me to drive him around every day. How can I get him to take a nap? We tried the Ferber method, but it seemed to upset him all over again when we left the room after briefly picking him up. At night however we rock him to sleep and put him in the crib. I know this is probably causing some of our problems. If he wakes up in the middle of the night I do not rock him back to sleep. So I know he can get himself back to sleep on his own.
It seems like he's having a tantrum over nap times. How do I solve this problem?
Ellen
Niskayuna, NY
A: Dear Ellen,
I know how you feel - my younger son is going through the same thing right now. I usually get him to take a nap by offering him choices. Does he want me to read him his favorite book before or after he takes a nap? If he wants it before (he always does) then I make it clear that he has to go to sleep right after the book. I offer him another choice - Do you want to sleep in your crib or in your brothers' bed (or you can say mommies bed)?
He likes that option because he likes the novelty of sleeping in a bed. If he comes out of the bed, then he has to sleep in his crib. Also, I tell him that if he doesn't sleep now, he will miss his dad because he will fall asleep before his dad gets home. Have you ever tried transfering him sleeping from the car to the crib? Make sure you have taken his shoes and coat off before he goes to sleep to make the transfer easier.
This seems like a lot of work but it is only a short time before he will be able to go without a nap. Then he will go to sleep earlier which is nice. Then there will be something else....
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I read your answer on a 7 year old lying. I have an 11 year old who lies about having homework, or doing homework. He lies to his teachers, twists the truth, knowing that he will be punished, knowing that we will be called by the teachers, or sent a letter. As far as your question to the previous parent, do we lie, quiet frankly, no. We stress how important the truth is, and that the consequences for lying will be worse than whatever he is trying to cover up. We have taken away privileges, had meetings with teachers, grounded, and now I am at my wits end.
Cheryl Welc
Answer #13:
A: Dear Cheryl,
I would advise you to immediately stop the punishments because as you can see, they are not working. You need to find out the reason that your child is lying instead of focusing on the punishment. Punishment only creates a situation where your child feels hurt and wants to hurt you back. In order to hurt you, he or she will lie again. It is a cycle of revenge and the parent is the only one who can break that cycle. Re-establish your relationship with your child and make amends with each other. Spend some time with your child telling him (or her) how much you love him and want the best for him.
Explain to him that you understand that sometimes people lie because they feel trapped - does he feel trapped by something? Once you have regained your child's trust you will probably find out why your child is lying. It could be that something is going on in school or with his friends. Do you remember how difficult it was to be 11 years old? This is the time your child needs you the most and you need to let him know you are here for him.
Teach him how to assert his feelings in appropriate ways and take responsibility for the results of his behavior. Ask yourself, "Whose problem is it?" if he is getting into trouble in school. Let him take responsibility for his behavior at school. This is a very hard thing to do because we do not want to see our children get into trouble.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My son is 3 1/2 years of age. He is still having tantrums. I am thinking of going to see my doctor tonight because it is really worrying me. He screams a lot when he doesn't get his way, for example: Last night, 6:30pm, he was pretending he was a daddy and got my daughter's dolls and stroller and started to push them towards the kitchen. From the cubbards he got a bowl and then got a spoon. He said he is going to make some cookies. My husband the night before did the dishes and put some things where they didn't belong, for example the container for the blender. My son took out the cup for the blender. I am not quite sure what it is called. It is the container where the food gets blended. My son took that out and I told him he couldn't play with that because he could get hurt (it is made of glass). I tried to distract him with something else, but he insisted on the container. I put it away and that is when he screamed. As soon as he calmed down, I sat to play with him and everything was okay after that.
I have read so many articles on tantrums and have bought some books on how to handle them, but somehow when you are at home or wherever we are at, I just seem to freeze and can't think. I feel like I am not adequate, if this is the proper word to use, to handle him.
People tell me different methods to use such as spanking, but I just can't. Others to put him in his room and close the door until he calms down, but he starts kicking the door and we have people living underneath us I am pretty sure they do not like hearing that.
Please help
A: You sound like you did exactly the right thing!! You did not give in to his tantrum and eventually he calmed down. You need to go to a place where you can calm yourself down while he is having a tantrum. That might be a place where there is calming music or a book you can read. This is not easy to do and it takes practice.
Are you worried that your 3 1/2 year old is having tantrums? You shouldn't be. It is our children's job to push our buttons and it is our job to be firm and kind. You were being firm and kind when you took the container away from him and did not give in. Plus you did not spank him or get angry with him. That is a tremendous success!! Keep up what you are doing and he will realize that tantrums do not get him what he wants. They will lessen in time.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: Jill, hello.
I am a high school teacher from Las Vegas, NV, and I would like to know if you can recommend a book or article(s) about the effects of the overprotective parent on a child. I have a friend (my daughter's friend's mom) who is highly overprotective (she won't even let her cross our cul-de-sac without watching her as she crosses to our house...and she is 11 yrs. old!) There is much more. Normally, I wouldn't be looking into this (I have put up with this for many years, and have just learned to "accept" her ways) but she has been having some terrible episodes with her daughter as of late, mainly at bedtime (this child still sleeps with her mom and dad) involving severe anxiety attacks, tantrums, etc. and she is quite upset. (They have gone to see an MD who has prescribed sedatives. Hm...) I have only hinted, over the years, that her overprotectiveness will some day harm her daughter, but I'd like to find a book, now, that I can read and possibly give to her.
Can you recommend one to me? Thanks!
Sincerely, Nancy Maheras
Las Vegas, NV
A: Dear Nancy,
You are correct that overprotectiveness is not healthy for a child. Redirecting Children's Behavior by Kathryn Kvols is a great book which has a section about permissiveness and being overprotective. In addition, it explains how to be firm and kind at the same time. If your bookstore doesn't have it, you can call 1-800-257-9002 and order one over the phone.
Good luck!
Jill
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