March 1998
Q: I have a 2.5 year old son and an 8 month old son. What should I do about the 2 year old hitting the baby. It's so frustrating and heartbreaking! Sometimes he is very nice to the baby--gives him toys, gentle hugs and pats--but other times he just hits the baby for no apparent reason. One book said I should ignore the hitting, but I'm worried that the older one hurt the baby, and of course the baby starts crying when his older brother smacks him on the head. My two year old will also sit on top of the baby sometimes....the baby seems to like this but I'm concerned that my two year old will crush him!

A: When your two year old hurts the baby, his mistaken goal is attention (from Children the Challenge by Rudolf Dreikurs). You need to teach him how to ask for attention appropriately and try not to get angry at him (this is hard). Remove him from the baby and tell him, "It is not o.k. to hurt the baby. When you want Mommy's attention, ask for it." Other things to do are to involve him in the care of the baby. Let him help put on the baby's diaper or feed the baby. Give him positive reinforcement when he behaves appropriately and minimize the negative attention when he misbehaves. Also, spend some quality time with him without the baby. Believe it or not, it is a HUGE adjustment to share parents with a sibling - imagine if your husband brought home another spouse! That is how he feels and you need to spend some time showing him you still love him.

This too shall pass!
Good luck!
Jill

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Q: My father and Mother have remarried after 22 years and he has 3 small children (ages 3,5, and 7) - I am 23. My parents have been together a year now. The children have had a lot of problems. We have been able to work through most of them. Except for the occasional problem, as far as I can see they are normal problems, with the younger two. But the older boy is a real pain he appears to intentionally cause problems. He has been kicked off the school bus twice this year, will hurt the other two unless watched closely all the time- he shows no kind emotions toward them at all, he will do any thing to cause an argument including making up lies, and will physically push the other away from there father. Also it is frustrating that the younger two may not be my dad's and he favors the oldest over the younger ones. They came from a situation where they were neglected, only the oldest received attention-the middle one was thought to be retarded which she is not and the youngest was only a baby. Do you have any advise to help in this situation?? please!!!

A: You have a very complicated situation. It sounds like the oldest one is not adjusting well to the new situation of living with your mother and that he was affected a lot by his previous living conditions. But the other two children could have been impacted by it too and that is why I would suggest the family seek counseling. You need to work out the real issues going on. The 7 year old's behavior is just a symptom of a deeper problem and most likely a child psychologist would be able to help you deal with it. If you are in Princeton, I can recommend someone and if you are not in the Princeton area, you can ask the school for a recommendation. I wish you good luck in the future and I hope you know that it is great that you reached out for help. Those children are lucky to have a sibling like you.

Take care,
Jill