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March 1999
Q: Dear Jill, I have a 21 month old son. Lately when he doesn't get his own way or just about anything he pinches me or tries to bite me. He
doesn't try this with his father however. I am a stay at home mom and maybe he gets sick of seeing me all the time. I've tried time-out and talking to him. I'm starting to lose my cool with it. Please can you help
me?
Concerned,
Jennifer Davie, Fl
A: Dear Jennifer, I can certainly understand why you are concerned. This is your first child and you have never
experienced the terrible twos before. That is what your son has begun. It is a developmental stage - he is not abnormal at all. He is not doing this because he likes his father more than you. It is his way of
expressing himself as he does not have the verbal skills yet. That doesn't mean that you should just stand by and be pinched and bit by your son. What you need to do every time he pinches or bites - say as calmly as
you can, "Pinching hurts. You may not pinch." Take his hands and put them away from you so that he cannot pinch you again. When he bites, you can give him a washcloth to bite. Say, "You can bite the
washcloth but people are not for biting." Instead of biting tell him to kiss and if he does, show him lots of positive attention for the kiss. You must do this in a firm but kind way. This is very difficult
since you are probably not very happy that he is hurting you. However, it is a phase and it will end. The calmer you are as you do this, the sooner it will end. It may also be helpful to read a developmental book
about two year olds and to talk to other mothers who are experiencing similar things.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My 3 1/2 yr. old has gotten very demanding when he wants something and is lying about little things. When he wants something he starts to yell and say he wants it
now. Also when I ask him to do something at times he'll tell me to forget about it because he isn't going to do it. My husband and I don't speak to him in this manner and I'm wondering if he's picking this up in
pre-school. What is the best way to handle this. Please help. Thank you.
Maritza
Princeton, NJ
A: Dear Maritza, It sounds like your son is looking for power. If you feel
angry, then his mistaken goal is power (from Children the Challenge by Dr. Rudolph Dreikurs). You need to find ways to give him power that are acceptable to you. One way is to offer him choices. Choices are a very
powerful tool which gives your child some power but allows you to control how much power your child has. For example, if you tell your son, "Get dressed now!" - what will he do? If he is like most
children, he might say, "No!" And you have got yourself into a power struggle. Instead, offer a choice, "Do you want to put your shirt or your pants on first?" This changes the whole situation.
Now your son feels like he has some power in the decision and may say, "I want to put on my pants first!" If you find that your child doesn't want to make a choice, calmly say, "If you don't make a
choice then I will make a choice for you." Make a choice and follow through. You may encounter a struggle for the first few times that you use this method. Once your son knows that you are serious, he will most
likely start making choices. Make sure when you follow through on a choice that you are kind. If you show anger, the child will not learn to start making choices but will get angry at being forced to do something.
Try to distract your child right after you have put on her clothes with something fun.
Another way to give him power is to give him responsibilities and ask his advice. For example, if you are making dinner,
ask him to help preparing it or ask his advice on what to make for dinner. If he feels powerful in some aspects of his life, he won't get into as many power struggles with you.
If he yells at you or speaks
to you in an inappropriate manner, tell him firmly that, "As soon as you talk in a kind way, you will talk to him." You may want to demonstrate what is an appropriate way to speak. Then walk away. Do NOT
talk to him until he speaks appropriately. Do not yell at him either because then you may get into a power struggle. If you stick to this, he will know that he has to talk to you in an appropriate manner and that
you will not tolerate rudeness. Please note that at no time did I say to punish him. It is not necessary. For the lying, read some of my previous answers about lying. I highly recommend you take a parenting class.
You will learn a lot of tools to deal with your son and you will end up having more fun being a parent. You are in Princeton and I am teaching a class that starts on March 18, 1999 in the evenings. Please let me
know if you want more information about it.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q:I have a ten month old daughter. For the last two months she has been hitting and scratching, sometimes biting. Honestly Sometimes it hurts. I've tried to teach her not to hurt but to be nice. She only gets mad
and hits. I fear that she will do this to a child at daycare that won't tolerate it. What do I do?
Adrienne McGough
Oak Grove, KY
A: Dear Adrienne,
She is so
young and she probably does not have a lot of verbal skills yet. This is her way of communicating. What you need to do every time she hits or bites - say as calmly as you can, "Hitting hurts. You may not
hit." Take her hands and put them away from you so that she cannot hit you again. When she bites, you can give her a washcloth to bite. Say, "You can bite the washcloth but people are not for biting."
Instead of biting tell her to kiss and if she does, show her lots of positive attention for the kiss. You must do this in a firm but kind way. This is very difficult since you are probably not very happy that she is
hurting you. However, it is a phase and it will end. The calmer you are as you do this, the sooner it will end. Take a look at some of my previous answers and see how many children do this and you will realize that
this is a normal developmental phase. She is young to be so far into it but if you stay calm and react consistently as I mentioned above, she will pass through this stage. Day care centers usually know how to deal
with your situation.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I have a 8 year
old daughter who has trouble in concentrating on education. She says she can't remember anything. We speak a different language at home and she is more comfortable at home speaking our language even though she was
born here in the states. For everything, before trying she says she can't do it and she needs help and she wants to get away with it. Teacher says she has no self confidence in her. What do I need to do in improving
her self confidence. Is this something that can be improved or its by birth. I am sending her to different programs to improve herself. She talks too much and she is not shy at all.
Shama Nannapaneni
A: Dear Shama,
This can definitely be improved. You need to build her self-esteem and to do so you need to read some books on the subject. Your Child's Self-Esteem by Dorothy
Briggs and How to Raise Children's Self-Esteem by Harris Clemes and Gary McKay are great books. If she is having trouble with something, you can help her by breaking it down into smaller pieces. Encourage her by
telling her that you know she can do it. Talk to her about her issues - how does she feel that she is different from the other children?
It is very important that you get her evaluated. Maybe she has an
auditory processing problem. It could be a physical problem that can be helped with specific training or professionals that deal with this type of issue. Get her evaluated even if you think it is not necessary -
they may be able to help. Ask your school for an organization that does evaluations.
It is great that you are dealing with the issue now and not putting it off. There are a lot of resources that will be able
to help you.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q:Dear Jill,
I just
wanted to THANK YOU so much for your help! My six year old was not getting her chores done in the morning and you suggested starting a chart and if she gets everything done on time we would have a few minutes to
play a game before leaving. Well, I bought this very special sticker book we have been buying for birthday presents for her friends and I told her that if she finished all her things on the chart before school she
would have time to play with the stickers...this morning she was 45 minutes early! I told her at this rate she can even sleep in a little later!
Thank you so much for answering my letter!
Robin Sherlock
A: I just want people to know that these things work! Thanks a lot Robin!!!
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My child (13 months) has been bitten 8 times while attending day care this year. Five
of those times have occurred in the past seven days. The daycare director tells me that it is a phase that the other child is going through and that they are doing everything they can to prevent my child from being
bitten. I am told by the director that my child is not the only child being bitten but he has been bitten the most. She tells me that she has not received phone calls from the parents of other children that have
been bitten. I kept my child out of the school today due to this situation. The daycare director informed me that they have decided to isolate the biting child when the daycare workers are busy feeding or diapering
other children and cannot get to the biter quickly. I feel as though the daycare is defending the biter and treating me as an over protective mother. I informed the director that I would bring my child back tomorrow
but that if he was bitten again by this child that I would have no choice but to remove him from the daycare. This didn't seem to effect the director at all. I chose this daycare due to their small student/teacher
ratio. I hate to think that I have to remove my child from a situation where he is the one being abused. Any suggestions?
Elise Hodges
A: Dear Elise,
If this
continues, you probably should take your child out of that daycare. Biting is a normal developmental phase for young children but that doesn't mean that you should subject your child to it. And if they can't be on
top of the biter, then you should take your child out of the situation. Your instincts are correct - follow them!
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I have a 9 1/2 year old son, who is very smart, however: he refuses to do
homework, and stand up and be accountable for his behavior. He is very controlling, and it is a struggle to get him to do anything, from get dressed to eat a meal. Any help would be great...Thank you
Teri Sorenson,
Havelock, NC
A: Dear Teri,
The more you make homework your job, the less your children make it theirs. Kids who think homework is more important to their
parents than it is to them won't take the responsibility. I know this sounds wrong to some people - because it wasn't like this when we were growing up - but it works. The sooner you step aside and allow your son to
be responsible for himself, the sooner he will become responsible for himself. And that goes for eating meals and other things. You should not be involved in a nine year old's eating, getting dressed and most other
things - he is old enough to handle that. Tell him that you are leaving in ten minutes. If he is not in the car and ready to go, leave and let him find his way (unless it is dangerous for him to find his way). This
sounds drastic but you need to allow him to do these things - that is why you are struggling with him.
He wants to do these things for himself. Don't clean up after him. Don't make sure he is on time for
things. Allow him to experience the consequences of his actions. However, it is very important that you do this in a kind way. Empathize with him when his teacher reprimands him for being late for class. Be there
for him to talk to but do not rescue him. This is very hard but it is very important for his future growth.
With respect to homework, tell your son that you will no longer nag or remind him about schoolwork
and then follow through by keeping your promise. You may want to call the teacher and let them know what you are doing. Let your son know that you are willing to help if they ask, but only if you can help without
taking over or getting into a battle. And it has to fit into your time frame - when you are willing to help. If the teacher sends home a note or calls, ask your child if it is a problem for him, and if so, what he
intends to do about it. Put him on the phone with the teacher instead of thinking that you have to handle it. Tell your son, "Education is important to me and I feel scared when it doesn't seem important to
you. I really hope you will explore the value of good study habits. If you want my help, please let me know." But the most important thing is to let go of this problem and really make it your son's issue. It is
hard but it works.
The more we try to take control of our children, the more power struggles we will get in. I think you could benefit from a parenting class - you can call 1-800-257-9002 to find one near
you or you could buy the home class from that number. Parenting is the most difficult job we face and we all need to know as many tools as possible to be the best parents we can be for our children.
Good luck and let me know how things are going.
Jill
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Q: Dear jill, my
problem is my 5 year old granddaughter. She Lies constantly, and is acting out in school. She has had Numerous bad reports from her teacher, saying that she is Constantly disrupting her class with talking. When she
is Questioned about this behavior by her parents, she lies about it. She has now started lying about even silly little things. I am Very concerned about this behavior, as previous punishments Are not working. I was
wondering if you might have a Suggestion on how to get her to understand that this is not Acceptable behavior. I would appreciate any advice you have To offer. Thank-you---melody stone
Melody Stone
Huntsville AL
A: Dear Melody, She is getting a lot of attention from lying. That will make her continue to do so. You need to give less attention to the lying. Lying is something
most adults do too. This does not justify lying, but it shows you that children who lie are not defective or immoral. You need to deal with the reasons your granddaughter lies before you can help her give up her
need to lie. Usually children lie because they feel trapped, are scared of punishment or rejection, feel threatened or just think lying will make things easier for everyone. Often lying is a sign of low self-esteem.
Stop asking questions that invite lying. Instead of saying, "Did you clean your room today?" say, "I noticed you didn't clean your room. Would you like to work on a plan for cleaning it?"
Focus on solutions instead of blame. Be honest and say, "That doesn't sound like the truth. Most of us don't tell the truth when we are being trapped or threatened. Why don't we take some time off right now.
Later I will be available if you want to share something that is going on with you."
Let the teacher deal with the behavior in class. That is the teacher's responsibility and you can let the teacher
know that.
Set an example in telling the truth. Share with your granddaughter times when it was difficult for you to tell the truth, but you decided it was more important to experience the consequences and
keep your self-respect. Be sure this is honest sharing instead of a lecture. Children can learn that it is safe to tell the truth in their family. Even when they forget that, they are reminded with gentleness and
love. They can learn that their parents care about their fears and mistaken beliefs and will help them overcome them. It is a normal phase for children to experiment with lying. If we handle this phase kindly, they
will get through it and move on.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q:Dear Jill:
Thank you for your supportive words. We are on Day Three of only water in the bottle, and only offering it at nap time and bed time. She isn't happy, but I notice she is eating more, drinking when she's
really thirsty. It will be interesting to see what object or personal soothing practice she takes up instead..... I love that a child could soothe himself with his little brother's feet!!! This bottle thing was
driving me nuts because I really felt it was NOT A GOOD IDEA past age one. Then I recently read in Parenting that too much milk (over 40 oz a day) can lead to microscopic bleeding in the stomach. All I know is that
I see other children her age drinking happily from sippy cups and eating a variety of foods. I keep offering lots of different foods, but she is a very fussy eater. I will fall on the floor in a faint if she ever
voluntarily eats chicken! She doesn't seem to like meat in any form. One expert's advice on toddlers and food that I came across was: give them variety, give them the opportunity to eat meals, but don't push. It is
your job to make the food, their job to eat it. If you have time, I'd love to hear your thoughts on toddlers and eating, particularly: HOW MUCH MILK AND DAIRY DO THEY REALLY NEED? and DO YOU REALLY BELIEVE THEY TAKE
WHAT THEY NEED EVEN IF TO US IT LOOKS LIKE CHICKEN FEED? Thanks for getting back to me. I wish they'd offer a Positive Discipline course around here--the closest will be this summer in Kingston, NY, which I believe
is about 200 miles away! Have you taken the course? Do you teach it? I'd be interested in taking a course with you in Princeton and maybe staying over with Lynne, if you are offering anything in the spring-summer.
Please let me know. If you have a brochure or any materials to mail, my address is: 2 Rogues Ridge Road, Weston CT 06883. Thanks again for your help! I have told several people about your column on princetonol.com
so you may get a few more queries!
Best wishes,
Kathy McFarland
A: Dear Kathy, It's great that you are sticking to giving water in the bottle. It is hard but it will pay
off. I agree with the expert you quoted - offer them a variety of foods but they will take what they need. It does seem that they don't eat enough but they will eat enough for them. If you make eating a power
struggle, you are setting yourself up for a possible eating disorder. If your doctor says she is gaining sufficient weight then don't worry. This is hard because we all grew up with our parents forcing us to eat. I
think this comes from the time when thin children were sickly and had a worse chance of surviving. We have vitamins now and antibiotics and lots of other things that they didn't have back then.
I teach the
course Redirecting Children's Behavior and my next class begins March 18, 1999. I have another evening class that starts May 4,1999. I am sending you my newsletter and a flyer on the class. Let me know if you want
more information about it.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My two year old son
beats his door when I try to put him down for a nap. He use to be good about taking naps but since we have moved he has only taking a nap twice in the 3 weeks we have been here. What do I do about the banging? I
find if I ignore eventually he will stop but should I allow him to do this? He hasn't taken a door down yet but it sure sounds like he is. I am frustrated and don't know what tact to take. If you have any advice I
surely appreciate it.
A: Dear Mrs. Oates,
I would use closing the door only as a last resort. He may be ready to give up his nap. Or he may be so upset about the move that
he can't get settled in his new room. You need to give him some understanding during this transition. We think that children don't understand much but even at two a child knows that he is in a new environment. He
may need compassion about this adjustment. Ask him if he is sad or angry about the move. Let him express whatever feelings he has about it. If he doesn't want to nap, maybe he would play quietly in his room. Try
settling him down by rocking him or rubbing his back.
I would advise you not to close him in his room at this time. Give him a couple months to get used to his new home. If he doesn't get his nap, maybe he
will go to sleep earlier and give you a long evening to yourself! Wouldn't that be nice?
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My daughter is 4 years old. She has temper tantrums but only at daycare. She really shows out with 2 of the 4 teachers whenever they put her into time out or ask her to share with
the other children. She is an only child. Also her feelings get hurt rather easily so anything she deems as a teacher being mean to her will start her crying. And the one teacher will call her a cry baby. All the
teachers agree she is very intelligent and absorbs during their learning time. So my question is how can I get my daughter to stop crying so much and curb the tantrums? An example of a tantrum is her just standing a
screaming at the top of her lungs till she is horse.
Shivon Holmes
Harrisburg, PA
A: Dear Shivon,
Firstly, speak to the teacher that called her a cry baby and
make sure that doesn't happen again. If you can take her out of the daycare center - I would advise it. A teacher should NEVER call a child something like that. That shows absolutely no empathy on the part of the
teacher. The teachers must deal with this problem - and if they can't you should find a place that can. She is probably acting out because she does not like the environment she is in. Tell the teachers to read a
book called, "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols to learn discipline methods other than time out. It would be a good book for you to read also. A book especially for teachers is Discipline
Without Tears, by Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. and Pearl Cassel.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: Hi jill,
Our son is 14 months old. In the last week he has strarted crying uncontrollably all day long. He sleeps through the night and takes a nap during the day. The problem here is most
of his waking hours he is whailing and whining. He has back mollars coming in. What do you think?
Bob Wiltzius
Oak Lawn, IL
A: Dear Bob,
Talk to a doctor and
make sure there is nothing else going on. Some children react like that to mollars - ask your doctor if you can use tylenol to help your son with the pain. Use teething rings and a wet washcloth from the freezer to
allow him to bite on to relieve some of the pain. These phases usually end in a short time period.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I am a 21 year old college student doing a research paper on child discipline. I
am not a parent, but I am very interested in this subject (I plan to have children in the near future). My question concerns to spank or not to spank a child. I was spanked as a child and I feel it has made me the
person I am today. I still have a close relationship with both of my parents, and am greatful for the guidance they have given me. I have reviewed many articles on the alternatives to spanking but I am still not
convinced. I was wondering if you could give me some insight to whether of not you feel spanking is approporiate.
A:
Most people I talk to have a strong feeling - pro or
con - about spanking. First of all, wait until you have children and then tell me how you feel. We can say all we want before we have children - and I did too - but when you have them it changes things. So all I ask
is that you learn as much as you can about the subject and then wait until you are in the situation to spank your children and make a decision then.
Secondly, there is a lot of research on the subject. Read
The Case Against Spanking by Irwin A. Hyman to get information on the subject. Would you decide to spank your child if you could discipline them just as effectively but never hit them? We have a lot of great
discipline tools today that your parents never knew about. It is great that you turned out well after being spanked but a lot of people don't. Do you want to take that chance with your child?
Thanks for your honesty!
Jill
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