January 1999
Q: Dear Jill,

I am writing you in reference to my 18 month old granddaughter. I have been babysitting for her 10 hours a day, 5 days a week since October 98. In the last 2 months she's become severely whinny & mean to our little dog who she once was very close to. She cries all the time & wants to be held. When we went to a birthday party at her home a few weeks ago she was doing great until I arrived & then she started whinning & crying, wanting me to hold her. I'm becoming very stressed out & am thinking about having my daughter put her in a regular daycare, I love her dearly & would like to continue watching her, could it be that she needs to interact with other children?? Please help me....

Thank you,
Terri Glassman
Puyallup , Wa

A: Dear Terri,

Your granddaughter is entering the "terrible twos" and it is called that because there are parts of this developmental stage that can be terrible for the caregiver. But this stage is a wonderful time for the child because she is discovering so many things about her world that she didn't understand before. The key to handling this stage is patience.

Children do what works. If your granddaughter is whining, she is getting a response from you. Oddly enough, children seem to prefer punishment and anger to no response at all. Whining is usually based on the goal of seeking undue attention. She believes, "I belong only if you pay constant attention to me-one way or the other." Try these suggestions:

1. Every time she whines, take her on your lap and say,"I bet you need a big hug." Do not say anything about the whining or what the child is whining about - just hug until you both feel better.
2. Let her know that you love her but you can't stand whining. Tell her that if she whines you will leave the room. You'll be happy when she stops so that you can spend time with her. Then, every time she whines, leave the room. If she follows, go to the bathroom, lock the door or turn up the radio.

About the dog, do not overreact. If she is physically mean to the dog, separate her from the dog without yelling at her. You do not have to say anything except, "Dogs are not for hitting."

She may need some interaction with children but I doubt that full time day care would be better than the one on one interaction you can give her. You may want to enroll her in a program two or three hours a couple of times a week.

This too shall pass.
Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My daughter will be 3 in February and when she is real excited and happy she hits. She loves her 7 year old cousin but she is always hitting her. Sometimes she just goes up to her and pops her on the head. We have always played a little rough house with her. Does this cause her to hit. Does she not know the difference in playing and hitting. I do not spank but will sit her in time out but she will hit not really knowing she just hit and then she will say I'm sorry and go sit up in her time out chair. I always sit her down and say it is not OK to hit but she still does anyway. Will this pass? Should I be more harsher with her. She has curly hair and is the cutest thing you ever saw and everything she does we think is funny or cute but I know she is getting older and we really need to handle this hitting thing. I don't work and spend a lot of time with her. What should I do to control it now because at 4 I would like to put her in a morning preschool.

Thanks,
Sherri Stockton
Cleveland , MS

A: Dear Sherri,

I think it is great that you love your daughter so much that you think everything she does is funny. Keep that love. The only thing I am concerned about is that she does not seem to take you seriously. Hitting is something that is normal for a three year old but if she does not know that you are serious when you tell her not to hit, why will she stop when she turns four or five? I would not recommend that you be "harsh" with her but you should start to be more "firm". Be firm and kind at the same time. Without laughing, say that hitting hurts and remove her from the situation. And you need to be very serious if she hits her cousin. This is not something that you can joke about. You need to set a limit with this issue.

I would not worry about putting her into a program. You will have this issue worked out by the time she is four!

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a 5-1/2 year old son who gets so excited about upcoming events, such a friend coming over to play, that his behavior becomes out of control during the time leading up to the event. We often have confrontations just before the event which leads all involved to feel upset. We have finally resorted to not telling him about certain events until they are about to happen but I feel like we are cheating him out of the anticipation, which usually is the most fun part of the event! What can we do to better prepare our son and ourselves for exciting, upcoming events without all the confrontations leading up to them?

Carol Spencer
Charlestown , IN

A: Does your son feel like you are cheating him out of the anticipation or is that your feeling? If your son is reacting well to finding out about upcoming events right before they happen, then that is what you should continue to do. An hour or a day to a 5 year old is a long time. They do not yet understand time and usually have difficulty waiting for things. This is normal behavior and if you can hold off on telling him about the event that is the best way to handle it. He won't miss the anticipation - only you will.

You need to help him deal with his excitement in appropriate ways. He can jump up and down or squeeze a ball. Maybe you can let him run around outside and tell him to run his excitement out. Or you can dance to music that you both enjoy. There are many ways to teach him to get out his excess energy. It is very important that you don't give him the message that he is bad for having this energy. You just need to help him release it in ways that don't drive you crazy!

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a 4 year old son who refuses to be potty trained. He Will pee in the moring when he gets up and maybe some other Time during the day. He refuses to poop. From the day he was Born til about three he was always constipated. When he was 2 He tried to poop on the potty and it got stuck. He screamed and Cried. Since then he does not want to sit on the potty. He is very Clever and has an answer for everything. The main problem is That he holds his poop in for days and days so that it gets Really big. Usually 5-7 days at a time. This pass summer we told Him the pool will not let him in with a diaper. He did not care And did not go in for 3 weeks. We finaly let him in with no diaper And he asked to go to the potty several times a day at the pool.

We have tried bribing, begging, and disipline but nothing will Work . He is very stubborn and does not care if we take things away. Several weeks ago when I sat him on the potty he cried And said he would go tommorw after our walk. He did sit on the Potty the next day but just cried.

I have 12 month old twin girls and my husband is home for the Next couple of months, so we have the time to focus our Attention to this matter. I truly believe these girls will be Potty trained before him. I now have less than a year before he Starts pre-school. Please give me some advice

Allison Schroeder


Oakmont , Pa
A: Dear Allison,

It sounds like you are very upset about this. First of all, you need to take a step back. How many 25 year olds are not potty trained? Not many. You need to detach from this issue in order to handle it in the best way. Say to yourself that it is his problem if he does not want to be trained, not a reflection on you as a parent. You can't pretend to do this because your child will see through this. You really have to detach.

Have you checked with your pediatrician? Some children do have a physical problem and if that is the case, you need to treat it.

Read my answer entitled, "5 year old potty training..." for more suggestions.

Good luck!
Jill