July 1998
Q: My 29 month old child has a habit of eating weird objects. He likes to eat the fiber off of fuzzy blankets. He sits and pulls the fuzz and shoves it into his mouth repeatedly. When my husband and I try to remove the blanket, he throws a horrific tantrum. He has also been known to eat the lint from the trap in the vacuum cleaner. He also has been known to eat dirt. It's beginning to be very troublesome. We first dismissed this as just a toddler symptom, or phase, but it has continued. If you have any clues, please we are desperate.

Thank You,
Natalie & Paul Hilbert. (And Quinton)

A: Dear Natalie & Paul,

He is exploring his world through his mouth which is a normal developmental stage. Dirt isn't so bad. I am sure most parents can tell you about a time their child drank the water in the toilet! And their children are doing fine.

If you can do nothing, try it. Just observe him putting something in his mouth without saying anything. He will soon learn that he doesn't get the reaction from Mommy and Daddy and that it doesn't taste too good. If it is something that you feel you have to stop, react as calmly as possible while you remove him from the situation. Do not scream at him that he is doing something wrong. Instead, encourage exploration and redirect him to something that he can explore. Say, "Quinton, you love to explore, let's look at this train." In time, this too shall pass!

Good luck!
Jill

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Q: Hi Jill! I usually do not ask questions over the internet like this.. but here goes! My son, Markku, is almost 2 1/2 years old. Last evening, he threw the absolute worse fit I have ever seen.

My husband and I were a little concerned; mainly because of the length of the temper tantrum and the way that Markku was behaving. He would not let either one of us come near him - when we tried he would scream. He cried and cried; so much that his eyes were a little swollen. We felt so bad for him... this is probably the worse it has ever been. He behaved like this for over 30 minutes.

Is it normal for a child to throw such a fit for so long? Markku is normal in all other ways... this fit all started because I wanted (needed) to change his diaper and get him dressed so we could go outside and grill out (he had just woken up from his nap). I could tell when he woke up that he most likely didn't get his nap out - could that have anything to do with it?

I guess I'm just a little concerned. Sometimes, Markku will pull his hair and bite his own arm! Yes, very silly. We've told him that is not nice to hurt himself or hurt others.

Does this sound normal to you?

I'd appreciate any input! Thanks.

Melanie

A: Dear Melanie,

Yes, this sounds perfectly normal!!!! Two to three years old is the time that children tantrum the most. I don't know if it helps to know that it is normal, but it is. And being tired is one of the most common reasons why children tantrum. In terms of what you should do, read my answer to diaper changing. There are over 10 different ideas to make diaper changing more pleasant. It is a control issue and my guess is that your son needs more control. Offer him as many choices as possible because this will enable him to feel in control. "Would you like to change your diaper on the table or on the floor?" "Do you want to bring the blue or red car with you when we change your diaper?" "Do you want to get dressed before or after you brush your teeth?"

One of the best ways to deal with a temper tantrum is to simply ignore it. Stay calm (that is the hardest part) and wait until it's over. Do not get angry at him. That will usually make the tantrum worse. Follow your child's lead - if he does not want to be touched or spoken to, then leave him alone. Calmly state. "As soon as you calm down, we can talk." Help him calm down by telling him to take deep breaths or count to ten. This will also help you to calm down. The calmer you are, the easier it will be for your child to calm down. If you cannot remain calm, remove yourself from the scene.

Once the tantrum is over, say nothing about it. Comfort him if he needs it and say, "It's o.k. to be upset. We all get upset. I'm here and I love you." Your child will soon feel much better. Tantrums decrease in frequency by age four and five.

Good Luck,
Jill

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Q: Jill,

I have five year old little boy. Recently he had, what I believe is, an out of control temper/rage tantrum. First, his mom and I are not together and he has hard time going back to his mothers home. I tell him that his mother loves him just as much as I do and that she needs him as much as I do. He has no problems when he is here. He argues with me sometimes, but that's about it. Last night, she said he had a very scary and hurtful tantrum. He would throw himself, pull his hair, bite his lips, and tell his mom he wished she would die so he could come live with his dad. That he hated her and to leave him alone, not to touch him screaming at the top of his lungs. Also telling her to spank him so the police will come take her away. I don't run into this problem when he comes to my home. This is a first for me, I have never run into a temper tantrum that has been as hurtful or hateful as this one. What should I do?

Please help,
Eric Bazan

A: Dear Eric,

You have a lot on your hands. Your son is telling you by his actions that he is having a problem with the divorce and I would recommend bringing him in for counseling. In addition, I would recommend that you and your ex-wife take a parenting class because that will give you the help that you need. You can call 1-800-257-9002 and find out where the closest class is to you. I highly recommend that you read a book called, "The Good Divorce" (I don't know the author).

First of all, be careful not to say anything negative about his mom and the same goes for her. The hurtful things that he is saying to her are not that unusual. My 4 year old son tells me he doesn't love me when he is mad but he does not really understand what that means. Your son is trying to hurt his mom because he feels like he has been hurt. I would tell her not to take it so personally and try to reconnect with him. When he makes a hurtful statement, respond in a kind way by asking, "You sound angry. What are you angry about?"

Good luck and let me know how it goes.
Jill

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Q: Hi Jill,

I've been using a technique you talked about when you spoke to FEMALE. When my almost-3 year old daughter and a friend start to yank on a toy, I say "The toy is not being used properly, it needs a time out." I take it away until the girls tell me they are ready to share it. This works wonders!

But, on a few occasions lately, when my daughter doesn't want to share or wants to play something else, she'll yank the toy in the friend's hand for a second. Then I see the wheels turning in her head and she'll realize a way out. She says "Oh, the toy has to take a time out because we're yanking it." So far, the other kids have always complied without a struggle. But soon she'll be able to plan this, instead of just happening upon a trick to get her way. How do I balance my consistent handling of yanking without taking sides, with her new twist to get her own way?

Thanks,
Laura

A: Dear Laura,

It sounds like you are handling the situation very well. Your daughter may be twisting the situation to get her own way but I don't think it is necessarily bad. It shows that she has the ability to get what she wants in creative ways which is a skill that is very useful in adults. As long as the other child is satisfied with putting the toy in time out, I wouldn't worry about your daughter's actions. She is still young to be really good at sharing. If, however, the other child realizes what is going on and does not think that the solution is fair, then I would go into conflict resolution skills.

Teach them how to win/win negotiate. Win/win negotiating involves teaching children to resolve conflicts with the understanding that all parties should be happy with the result. Wait until the children calm down, then ask the children to share how each feels without blaming, placing guilt, or shaming the other. Help them express what they want. Your daughter's friend may say, "I don't like it when you keep taking toys from me!" Your daughter may respond, "I want you to play a game with me." You can facilitate this process without taking sides. This is a great skill for you and your child to learn. Read a book on conflict resolution or take a parenting class to get more comfortable with these skills.

Good Luck,
Jill