|
November 1998
Q: My six-year-old HATES school. He always resisted learning letters and numbers before he went to school. I sent him to pre-school where the
focus was on socialization. The teacher assured me the would learn his letters and numbers in Kindergarten. I signed up for Gazelle testing when it was time for Kindergarten, but was called and said my son was too
old and didn't need to be tested. Well of course as a result of all this my son was behind on the first day of school! I didn't learn of his difficulty until his first conference and by then he was 2 months behind!
I finally forced the issue of teaching him letters and numbers at home and realized after about 10 to 20 minutes of resistance he will settle down and do some workbooks or homework. I never forced him before because
I didn't want him to be negative about school, Ha! He was placed in 1st grade and isn't doing well. His teacher sends home notes daily about his behavior (If he finished his work or used recess to finish, or his
work is attached to the note if he didn't do it at all). He wears glasses to see close up, which he got after his first kindergarten conference. I have no idea how to help him. I loved elementary school myself and
that makes it harder to relate. I volunteer in his class room once a week at math time and that day is his worst day at school typically. Please help me motivate my child to learn and/or like school.
Andrea Radke
Allegan , MI
A: Dear Andrea,
First of all, do not volunteer in his class anymore. If that is his worst day at school, maybe it is
better not to be there while you work on some of the issues you mentioned. You may have to realize that your son is not going to feel about school the way you did and that's o.k. Giving up your expectations will
make it easier on him to excel at what he wants to, not what you want him to. But that doesn't mean you can't do anything about him being behind in school and not doing his homework. Spend some time with his teacher
finding out what he needs to know so that he won't be behind. Then talk to him about a schedule that you are willing to work with him to get him up to speed. Let him know that you are here for support but that it is
up to him to put in the effort to get there.
Tell your child you will no longer nag or remind him to do homework. Let him know that you are willing to help and he should let you know when he will need you.
Problem solve with him. Listen to and understand his issues and brainstorm together until you find a solution that works for both of you. You might want to tell him that education is important to you and that you
feel scared when it doesn't seem important to him. You might want to bring him to several different places where he can be exposed to different career options and show him how valuable an education is. Find what he
is interested in and use that interest to stimulate his learning abilities. You may want to find a learning center that can assist you.
Most of all relax. Your getting upset and into power struggles will not
do anything for you or your son.
Good Luck,
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Dear Jill,
Thank God for people like you that can answer a difficult question! My son is 3 years old next month. He has, of course, entered the stage where he is aware that he has a penis and his father
and I have always had the attitude that he should be free to explore and understand his own body. We never comment when we see him touching himself and have always just sort of pretended that we don't see it. Last
night he was touching himself and well...can a 3 year old get an erection? I just need to know that my toddler is normal and that we are doing everything correctly in the way we handle the situation.
Thank you for any advise you have.
Audra Rasnake
Glade Spring , VA
A: Dear Audra,
Yes a three year old can get an erection. My suggestion is to say that he can
touch himself in the privacy of his room but that you don't want to see it. I wouldn't get upset if you see him touching himself. Just calmly state, "Please do that in private."
Your toddler is extremely normal and he is lucky to have such caring parents!
Good Luck,
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Dear Jill,
I am a future stepmother, although I currently live with the 15 year old daughter and her father. I moved in 7 months ago and everything was fine. Now my
stepdaughter is rebelling. She tells everyone that we do not have food in the house (we have plenty of good food), and that we make her do all the housecleaning. I work 13 hour days (on occasions), I put food in the
crock pot before I go to work and come home to do a sink full of dishes, and this is only the weekdays. She likes spending my hard earned money and driving my truck (she has a permit and option she no longer has
because of her behavior). She is constantly bad mouthing me. How do I live with this trouble-some teen? PS I love her and her dad, but I cannot take her disrespect towards me.
Pamela Van Horn
Urbana , OH
A: Dear Pamela,
All misbehavior is communication. Look behind the misbehavior to determine what she is communicating. She most likely is adjusting to the idea of having you
live with her. You are right not to let her be disrespectful but I would stay away from punishing her. Just walk away when she talks to you in a disrespectful manner. This will show her that you will not accept that
from her.
Most step children are jealous of the time that you (the step parent) spend with their parent. Allow her and her dad to have time alone without you. Try not to feel jealous of this relationship.
Let her father do most of the disciplining until you have established a good relationship. Be supportive. It is important that you do some things alone with her also in order to establish a trusting bond. Finally,
discuss discipline with her father and come to agreement on how you will discipline.
Being part of a blended family requires persistence, courage and self-reflection.
Good Luck,
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My 2 year old and 3 1/2 year old share a bedroom due to necessity. They are
completely wild, late into the night and beginning again in the early morning hours. We have removed everything from the room but their mattresses, which we leave on the floor because they were jumping off the beds,
but they are even able to lift them and drop them, sometimes on each other! I can hear them banging into walls and falling down also. Is this normal? Will it ever stop? My 2 year old really needs the sleep, also,
and is waking up tired and cranky.
Dorothy Cummings
Princeton, NJ
A: Dear Dorothy,
No, this is not normal. Actually, it is normal for children to do this but you
should not allow this to go on. You need some rules and so do the children. Try putting one of them to bed at a time so that the 2 year old is asleep by the time the 3 year old goes to bed. Or you could put one of
them in your room and transfer them when you go to sleep. They should understand that throwing objects and banging on walls are not activities that are allowed at bedtime. If they can't go to sleep, they could
possibly do a quiet activity like reading a book or listening to calm music. Throwing objects in the house probably shouldn't be allowed at all. If they want to throw during the day, send them outside.
You
must establish rules (which they should take part in as much as ossible) and follow through with consequences (not punishment). To make bedtime easier follow these steps (from Redirecting Children's Behavior by
Kathryn Kvols):
1.Respect your own needs. Take care of yourself during the day so that you are not feeling hassled and frazzled at your child's bedtime. Set your child's bedtime at an hour that allows you
some solitude and/or "couple time" with your partner after your child goes to bed.
2.Whenever possible, have both parents be a part of the bedtime ritual. Bedtime is more fun and less of a burden
when both parents participate.
3.Start your bedtime ritual forty-five minutes to one hour before your child's actual bedtime hour to avoid unnecessary stress and struggle. This process should be a winding
down time, in other words, eliminate activities that would excite the child such as rough-housing or tickling.
4.Respect his sense of time by telling him that bedtime is in 10 minutes, allowing him to
complete a particular activity before his actual bedtime hour.
5.Offer choices instead of orders. Your child will have a feeling of control over what happens to him when given choices. For example, you might
say, "Do you want your Dad to help you with your bath or me?" or "Do you want to sleep with your gorilla or your kitty?"
6.Create a bedtime ritual with your child's help and advice. For
example, read a story, snuggle, say prayer, give a hug and two kisses and leave the room singing a song. The routine needs to have a quality of sameness or routine -- the same order or the same song -- in order to
provide a sense of security.
7.Create closeness. For example: Talk about "Remember When," such as "Remember when we went camping and that raccoon got into our food stash?" or "I
remember when you were a little baby and loved to have your tummy rubbed."
Say three things that you love about each other. Start each statement with, "What I love about you is..." and
complete it with a specific thing you love. For instance, "What I love about you is the way your singing can lift my spirits."
Ask the following questions which allows your child to share more
about himself, such as: "What was the best thing that happened to you today?" "What was the worst thing that happened today?"
Some children may talk more freely with the lights out. Try
to discover what is most encouraging to your child in enhancing your communication together.
After you have completed your bedtime routine, leave your child's room. Explain to your child once when you start
this new bedtime routine, "If you come out of your room for any reason other than emergency, I will lovingly guide or carry you back to your room. I will not talk to you after saying good night and closing your
bedroom door."
It is important that you do not talk to your child after the bedtime routine is complete. If you continue to talk with your child, you are more likely to get into a verbal power struggle.
You may have to guide your child back to his room several times, particularly at the beginning because children will test their parents. However, as the week progresses, bedtime will become more pleasant for both
you and your child.
You can make bedtime a time of nurturing, closeness, shared communication, and fun. By involving your children in the decision-making process and spending this special time with them,
they will feel valued and respected. When you have order and routine, it creates a sense of security in your child because he learns he can depend on certain events always occurring.
Good Luck,
Jill
|
