She threw her napkin down and the next thing they heard was her bedroom
door slam. John, Alyson, and their ten-year-old son sat in silence and stared
blankly at each other for the rest of the dinner. The TV droned on in the
background. What had set their teenage daughter off?
What are meals like in your family? Do some people have to eat alone or do
you eat together? Do you enjoy eating together? Do your children bicker?
Does one person do most of the mealtime chores? Are your meals relaxed or
does your family wolf down their meal so they get to soccer practice on
time?
Why is it so important parents carve out time in their busy schedules to have
family meals? Extensive research and surveys have consistently revealed
that the more often children eat dinner with their parents, the less likely they
are to smoke, drink or use illegal drugs as teenagers.
Mealtimes are often the only time the family is together the whole day and it
may be the only time children see their parents together.
If mealtimes have not been your ideal picture of family harmony, the first
step is to ask yourself, “What do I want meals to sound like, feel like and
look like?”
Mealtimes should be a time for:
Talking about their day and yours
Finding ways to work through problems
Letting children know you are available
A chance to reconnect
Opportunities for families to learn about and experience the
value of teamwork
Nourishment not only from food, but also emotionally and
spiritually
The next step is to create a plan. It may not be feasible to have dinner
together every night. You could do breakfast together on certain days and
dinner on other days. Have a family meeting to determine meal plans, make
a list of mealtime chores and who will do them. Letting children be involved
in the meal planning and cooking can help prepare them to make good
decisions on their own and lead to a lifetime of healthier choices and selfconfidence.
The third step is to set some clear boundaries around issues that are
important to you, for example, the use of technological gadgets. This means
putting limits on answering phone calls, playing computer games, listening
to music and watching TV. Also, set boundaries about bickering and other
non-supportive bantering. Be prepared for your family to resist your
changes. Often they will attempt emotional black mail to get you to go back
to your old ways.
Teens may turn up their noses at the prospect of a family meal – not
surprising because they’re trying to establish their independence. Yet studies
find that teens still want their parents’ counsel. Consider trying these
strategies to entice them to the family table:
Allow your teen to invite a friend to dinner
Involve your teen in meal planning and preparation
Keep mealtime calm and congenial—no lectures, arguing or
prying
Sometimes candlelight offers a safer atmosphere to share
feelings
Excuse annoying younger siblings from the table when they are
done eating, so that you can have some alone time with your
teen.
Take time for family meals together. It could mean you simply order a pizza
and eat together. The food isn’t as important as the sense of camaraderie and
feelings of support that your family will take with them their whole lives. By
implementing some of the principles above you can avoid being on the next
Dr. Phil Show!!!
Kathryn Kvols is the author of the best selling book and popular parenting course,
“Redirecting Children's Behavior.” She is an international speaker and the president of
the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 352-375-6498
or you can view other helpful articles at the website
www.redirectingbehavior.com.
