Commune-icate with Your Children
By Kathryn Kvols
Mom waits eagerly in the car to pick up her pre-teen daughter after school. As
Andrea opens the door, Mom asks cheerfully, "How was your day, Honey."
"I hate it when you tell me to 'Have a good day' when I leave in the morning.
You jinxed my day!" Andrea lashes out.
Mom retaliates, "Don't give me that attitude. I don't know what's gotten into you
but, when we get home, you are going to your room young lady!"
What we have here is a failure to commune-icate!
Commune means to experience a deep emotional or spiritual relationship with someone
or something. How do we create a deeper emotional experience with our children? Here
are a several ways.
1. Set aside physical and mental tasks when you are talking with them. Give
your child your FULL attention when you want to commune-icate with your
child. Quit peeling the potatoes, folding the clothes or set aside the paper you are
reading. Stop thinking about your priority list, your visit from the in-laws or the
phone call you have got to make. Be with your child 100 percent.
2. Assume their innocence and not their guilt. How many times has a mess been
created or something been missing and you yelled at the child that you thought
was guilty only to find out they were innocent? Or your children were fighting
and you blamed one child without even hearing their side of the story? Always
assume that they are doing the best they can with the skills they have.
3. Discover the need. Instead of being frustrated by their behavior, have
compassion for them. Fine-tune your skill at asking yourself or them, "What do
you need?" Respond by giving them what they need. However, your job is to
eventually help them understand what they need and discover ways to meet their
own needs.
4. Don't take things personally. Andrea's explosion at Mom had nothing to do
with Mom. She had just had a bad day at school. It is difficult not to retaliate
when we take things personally.
5. Be careful of "add-on" phrases. Parents frequently damage children's spirits
unknowingly by using negative 'add-on phrases' to their discipline.
For example: "I don't know what's gotten into you!" Translation: "I think the
devil has gotten inside of you and you are loosing control of yourself." Compared
to: "Andrea, this is not like you (assuming this is true). What do you need?"
Translation: You are a well-intentioned child. Self-reflect on your needs and see
what needs to happen. You are in control of your destiny by the choices you
make.
Notice in this example the questions cause the child to self-reflect. This helps the
child to ascertain who she is.
6. Allow your child to feel what she feels. Feelings are neither right nor wrong -
they just are (however, this doesn't mean you have to agree with her). We shut
down communication when we try to take away or deny our child's feelings.
7. Empathize with your child. Take time to hear the feelings behind the words.
How might you be feeling if you were your child. Then feed it back to them using
phrases like; "It sounds like", or "It looks like…"
Using the above principles, the example may have sounded like this:
Mom waits eagerly in the car to pick up her middle-school daughter after school.
As Andrea opens the door, Mom asks cheerfully, "How was your day, Honey."
"I hate it when you tell me to 'Have a good day' when I leave in the morning. You
jinxed my day!" Andrea lashes out.
Mom asks calmly, "You seem very frustrated. What do you need?"
"I had a really bad day. I am sorry I yelled at you. I guess I just need some quiet
time," replies Andrea, calming.
"I understand. Let me know when you want to talk," offers Mom as she strokes
Andrea's leg gently.
Mom has created a deeper emotional experience with her daughter. We all long for
more meaningful relationships in our lives. It is our job to teach our children how to
create them. Parenting classes or a local therapist are great resources to help you create
the relationships you want.
Kathryn Kvols is the author of "Redirecting Children's Behavior" popular book and
parenting course. She is the president of the International Network for Children and
Families. She can be reached at (877) 375-6498 or visit www.thefamilypuzzle.net
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