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1999 - The Year of the Debacle End-of-Year Review
First, a little history and some statistics:
Hash #1, October 7, 1979. The legendary Joe Burns sets a loop starting from
Stevenson Hall, 91 Prospect.
Hash #100, September 13, 1986. The Geezer and Wacko set through the campus, the
grad school, Marquand Park and the Institute.
Hash #200, May 13, 1990. Dogshrinker and Wacko set in the rainforest-like Pine
Barrens.
Hash #300.4, November 17, 1991. The LRF and Throatwarbler Mangrove set a Simple
Tour of Princeton in deference to 15 simian visitors from Reading.
Hash #400.4, March 7, 1993. The Geezer sets from Rosedale Park to Terhune's
Orchard.
Hash #500.4, May 5, 1995. The LRF sets in the pouring rain through Weinstein's
freshly plowed field of dreams to the boulders on Province Line Road. Joe Burns and
Dr. No return. Apres at Good Friends courtesy of Hash Cash.
Hash #600.4, March 29, 1997. Pyroman sets somewhere south of Trenton. Notable
attendees were A Joy to his Mother's Mother and Wendy (now known as Uranus
Williams) Sullivan. Pyro kept the pack on the trail by providing beer one can at a time,
but only on the trail. No shortcutting bastards on this one. There was a dog sawn in
half.
Hash #700 February 14, 1999, coincident both with Hard Core VII, our Annual G hash,
and some massacree or other. In Up To His Waste planned and spent, and the Grande
Dominatrix herself set. The result, a long, oh so soft core run through deepest
Bucknekkid County. Even Rambo finished.
***
1999:
After 1998 we said, in this very report, "Let's do 56 in '99". And that we did (54 hashes
in '98, 52 hashes in '97, 50 in '96, 49 in '95, 47 in '94). The average pack was 15.1,
essentially identical to the number from last year. There were 24 new folks who ran
more than once with us, and the sum of all hashes at least two runs - no one-time
hashers counted) is now: 7103.
***
But once again the PHHH proves that size must matter because the number was large,
but the quality was low. The Year of the Debacle it truly was.
***
The Get a Life Award goes to Hey Yo! Paully! who wasted no fewer than 45.5 (?)
Sundays out of his so-called life. Rojo was close behind with 44, but we know all about
her life. Juicy ran 43. Other contenduhs were: LLLoda (39), WeePee (38), Tropical
Supression (34),Table Toes, Pyro and the Geezer (33), Rubberalan (31), Solo and
Wacko (30). You didn't even get on the list this year unless you ran 30. Note that 16
people ran 25 or more hashes this year, up from ten last year, and four the year
before. Sick.
***
Paully inflicted the most sets upon us (6) with Solo not far behind (5).
***
First Hash: January 3, 1999, #694.4. "There is Nothing Like a Dame." Pyroman sets a
live hare through the Herrontown Woods, ending at a Joy to His Mother's, in spite of
the fact that Joy was not on the hash, or even at home at the time. Joy returns and
promptly hides his spare key elsewhere. The LRF runs back to his car and is not to be
heard from for over 140 days.
Last Hash: December 26, 1999, #750.4. Throatwarbler Mangrove sets an ashfault-ridden
Boxing day romp through frozen Ewing. There was a False Cooler, and lots of
railroad tracks and roads. This one was set in the spirit of LLLamas past.
***
Best Hash of the Year: In a year of debacles, a few truly shitty hashes came through.
Pyro's drunken Easter egg hunt deserves a mention (at least by Pyro), as does #746.4
by Julie Greenberg and Wacko, but the best hash of the year undisputedly goes to the
long lost legend himself, the LRF for #717.4. We never did see him, but it must have
been a splendid set.
***
Worst Hash of the Year: As always the judges have had to pour over at least 56 hash
writeups and as many cases of beer just to handle the bad memories in this category.
Honorable Mention certainly goes to Solo for his first two attempts at the Triple Crown
of Debacles, and who can ever forget the HYP pre-One Take, "we'll never make the
movie at this rate" hash? Speed Bumps also deserves mention for calling from a road
someplace deep in Bear Swamp "Uh, over here guys... I got a little lost, but the beer's
over here!"
In this year of the Debacle where mediocrity reigns, though, the award goes to a set
which took us near some of the best looking shiggy around, yet led us straight down-
and down- and down- the road. Throatwarbler and #750.4 wins by an eyelash over 55
other worthy entries.
***
Best Venue: Given Discomfort's alarming surprise on #743.4: "You mean you really
have hashed here before?" and Wacko's reply, "Just one or two hundred times," what
can be said about '99 except than there were more virgins hashing this year than there
was virgin territory. The uncontested Best Venue Award goes to Minor Minor Minor
Tom's set through the Fort Dix stockade, #734.4.
***
Worst Venue: Although nothing will ever replace the Louisiana Reptile Fancier's
#327.4, "The Warehouses at the End of Time," this year's worst goes to HYP's multiple
and deservedly infamous "Out around something big and bring them back" hashes.
***
Best Event: RoJo disrobes on Paully's #705.4
***
Worst Event: Hey Yo! Paully disrobes at every opportunity.
***
Best Write-up: Ouipee's halloween writeup, Horton Hears a Hash.
Worst Write-up: Tabletoes' #701.4 Il fait un froid de canard... We still have no idea what
it's about.
***
Weirdest Object of the Year. It is hard to compete with the headless turkeys, and hemi-dogs
of yesteryear, not to mention Paully's fish shorts, but the winner this year is
Uranus's blue nails.
***
Rookie of the Year: This year's award is no contest: Minor Minor Minor Minor Tom, The
Army Guy, wins for his 29 hashes. Other distant notables: Catch and Release (10),
Squirrel Droppings, and Tomoko (9).
***
Best Food: The Mitter Belon at the post-Hard Core Banquet at Good Friends. ummm-ummmm,
Good! Food does seem to be improving slightly these days; pizza, HYP
"BAMs" with Emeril, and of course, Minor Tom's homebrews, Uranus's home made
cookies, and Ben and Jerry's Bovinity Divinity ice cream! Still, the winner, surpassing
even that great Litter Bemon, is OuiPee's homemade salsa.
***
Worst Food: So many choices! Juicy and HYP supplied us all with veggieburgers and
Old Milwaukee on #710.4. There was day old Chinese at Rambo and WeePee's Hood
Hash. And we will never forget the Bitter Melon. But the winner this year surely must
be anything in HYP's belly button.
***
Protests/Whines/Remarks of the Year:
"That was a debacle!" everyone.
"I've had enough!! I'm going back to the start... does anyone know where we are?"
Ice Blue Balls. #704.4
"SCHWA!!, SCHWA!!, SCHWA!! SCHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Wacko on #706.4
Old Lady to Joy " Hey long-hair, you got a cigarette?" (#712.4)
"I do" Delay LLLama (post #714.4)
"I don't!!" Always Open (post #714.4)
"You guys know the On In is down that way DON'T YOU???!!! We have cake DOWN
THERE!!!!" Always Open (post #714.4) as the hashers ran into her wedding.
I only put the icing in Hey Yo's navel, I did NOT lick it off." Speed Bumps lies on
#715.4)
"What money?" Delay LLLama
"Run for your cars!" Pyro and Speed Bumps
"My car is leaking lesbian juice." (#750.4) Rojo
"Calm yourself!" Excitable Boy (#750.4)
"I got lots of catcalls from cars while Solo and I were running along the road." Juicy
"When people drive by me, they usually just scream." Booger (#730.4)
"You mean we've hashed here before?" Discomfort (#743.4)
***
And Now, The Ultimate Award...............Hasher of the Year for 1999:
1992: The Hash Ghost- full frontal nude photo included in this now-a-collector's-item
write-up.
1993: No Award; apparently there was no 1993.
1994: In Utero (now happily ex utero).
1995: Wacko - first to 365.
1996: Who has run more hashes than any other non-human? Glory, that's who. She
raised the average IQ of the pack by 50 points each time she ran.
1997: Delay LLLama. Eternally lost - miserable sets.
1998: The Louisiana Reptile Fancier, as he echoed the defining person of our time,
Richard Milhous Nixon: "That's it; I'm outta here and I'm not coming back! You won't
have the LRF to kick around any more." P.T. Barnum is vindicated again.
1999: This year we honour our Grande Dominatrix, Road Jaundice, Architectrix of the
Hard Corpse this year, runner of nearly 300 hashes, supplier of sky-blue oreos, and
Mother Protector Of Us All.
As you can see from the writeup of #750.4, Rojo was recently photographed in the
basement of the Belle Meade Inn by Jorge the waiter. By great luck, Jorge also
captured the first pictures known of Rojo's "companion" A. G. Zaire, and their long time
associate, The Cuban Assassin. We have obtained a copy of this photo at great cost,
not to mention risk. We know we publish this photo at our peril, as neither Zaire nor the
Assassin is likely to take kindly to the appearance of a likeness in the public press. We
all remember what happened to that dwarf. Nonetheless, we do so in the interests of
public safety. No sacrifice is too great for you guys..
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***
On On to '00 (if there is one).
YBSs