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1998 - The Year of the Whine - End-of-Year Review
First, a little history and some statistics:
Hash #1, October 7, 1979. The legendary Joe Burns sets a loop starting
from Stevenson Hall, 91 Prospect.
Hash #100, September 13, 1986. The Geezer and Wacko set through the campus,
the grad school, Marquand Park and the Institute.
Hash #200, May 13, 1990. Dogshrinker and Wacko set in the rainforest-like
Pine Barrens.
Hash #300.4, November 17, 1991. The LRF and Throatwarbler Mangrove set a
Simple Tour of Princeton in deference to 15 simian visitors from Reading.
Hash #400.4, March 7, 1993. The Geezer sets from Rosedale Park to Terhune's
Orchard.
Hash #500.4, May 5, 1995. The LRF sets in the pouring rain through
Weinstein's freshly plowed field of dreams to the boulders on Province Line
Road. Joe Burns and Dr. No return. Apres at Good Friends courtesy of Hash
Cash.
Hash #600.4, March 29, 1997. Pyroman sets somewhere south of Trenton.
Notable attendees were A Joy to his Mother's Mother and Wendy (now known as
Uranus Williams) Sullivan. Pyro kept the pack on the trail by providing
beer one can at a time, but only on the trail. No shortcutting bastards on
this one. There was a dog sawed in half. Remember the headless turkey of
yesteryear? Note: the dog was already sawed in half *before* the hashers
arrived -- dog-sawing was not one of the approved On-In activities.
Hash #700 will appear February 14, 1999, coincident both with Hard Core
VII, and our Annual G hash. In Up To His Waste has been planning, and the
Grande Dominatrix herself will set. So it is time to set one's affairs in
order, notify next of kin. It is too late to train, so just show up and
take your punishment. There will be suffering and there will be pain, and
no one knows if we will have any finishers. Hype? Did we mention hype?
Sandals?
***
1998:
After 1997 we said, in this very report, "Let's do 54 in '98". And that we
did (52 hashes in '97, 50 in '96, 49 in '95, 47 in '94). The average pack
was 15.2, up a remarkable 4.7 runners from '97. There were 30 new folks who
ran more than once with us. One Sunday we even did two hashes (642.4 and
643.4). Get a Life!
Speaking of which, the Get a Life Award goes jointly to Hey Yo! Paully! and
A Joy to his Mother, who wasted 39 Sundays. Rojo was close behind with 38.
Somehow the Delay LLLama managed 34 even though he left us in the fall.
Other distant contenduhs were: Speed Bumps (32), Geezer and Uranus Williams
(31), Juicy (26), Rubber Alan, Wacko and Pyroman (25), and Ice Blue Balls
(21). Note that ten people ran 25 or more hashes this year, up from four
last year. Sick.
Wacko, The Geezer, and A Joy to His Mother set the most (5).
Notable Hash-related Sad Things in 1998: Both the House of Shih and the
Belle Mead Inn are up for adoption. What's next? Good Friends? The
Geezervan? 242?
First Hash: January 4, 1998, #640.4. "Rookies and Cookies". Uranus
Williams gets her name.
Last Hash: December 27, 1998, #693.4. Pyroman sets a bi-state hash for our
visitors from the Kuala Lumpur Mother Hash.
***
Best Hash of the Year: Once more, there are so few possibilities. Veteran
winners are out this year. Solo didn't set enough and Pyro Man has been
lobbying far too hard for the
freezing-cold-not-to-mention-wet-and-did-we-mention-cold #649.4 to get it
again. So what's possible? Though it pains us, it looks like this year's
award goes to the horrendously overhyped and underattended #666.6. Pyro
Man and A Joy to His Mother set a 2:40 hash -- all off-road, and through a
jail. The best of a bad, bad bunch.
***
Worst Hash of the Year: As usual, there was no shortage of candidates. Let
it not be said that the quality of hashes follows a normal distribution
curve. The aforementioned #666.6 is a viable candidate, but the award goes
to the Hash Style Run of 1/18/98 set by Uranus Williams. No beer, no
number, good cookies. Honorable mentions to the LLLama's #648.4, with a 3/4
mile false at the start to a non-existing F "Gee it was here this morning."
Also to Hey Yo! Paully! for #651.4, a road-kill fiasco of no marks and two
finishers - which description, except for the pavement fits Skaar Tissue's
flourless #675.4.
***
Best Venue: Big Nut takes the egg roll this year for his amphibious set,
#659.4. What started out as a simple romp in the woods west of the
Millstone River between Kingston and Rocky Hill turned into a full-blown
Eco-Challenge, complete with the Wacko Outboard Motor(tm) propelling a
yellow inflatable raft across the Millstone. The intrepid hounds then
portaged the raft through the wilderness and paddled it across the canal to
reach the next check mark. After Worst Hash, this was this year's most
hotly-contested category. Honorable mention to Speed Bumps's Sea of
Shitters (#673.4), #666.6's Belle Mountain/quarry/correctional facility/no
roads terrain, and Pyro Man's Tatooinesque #649.4.
***
Worst Venue: Although nothing will ever replace the Louisiana Reptile
Fancier's #327.4, "The Warehouses at the End of Time", Hey Yo! Paully!'s
road warrior #651.4 gets the award for this year. OK, we've SEEN asphalt!
Enough already! Honorable mention to any hash that was completed by a
rookie in sandals (not naming any names, #647.4) and to the hounds who
managed to set three hashes in a row(!) over the closed Stony Brook bridge
on Province Line Road (#663/4/5).
***
Best Write-up: As usual, the write-ups that relate as little as possible of
the mundane pain and suffering and feeble-mindedness of the hounds turn out
to be the best ones. In Search of Dr. Mangrove (#647.4) and Hard Times in
Hash Alley (the combined #682.4/#683.4) share the prize for this year.
These and other write-ups, except #688.4, are available on the web, at:
http://www.princetonol.com/groups/phhh/trash600.htm
Best Fake Write-ups: Table Toes's write-up of his post-#679.4 visit to
Wacko, and Throat Deep's Grandpa's Wedding saga.
***
Worst Write-up: It's no contest: The Geezer's still missing #688.4 (don't
worry you miserable whiners, the names got into the data base).
***
Weirdest Object of the Year. It is hard to compete with the headless
turkeys and hemi-dogs of yesteryear, but the winner this year is a tie
between Rojo's feet even though they're not weird (#653.4) and Hey Yo!
Paully!'s fishy underware (#690.4). Lots of feet this year.
***
Rookie of the Year: This year's award is a dead-heat tie between Rubber
Alan and Tropical Depression.
Although they ran their rookie hash on June 9 (#662.4), they managed to
record 25 and 19 (out of 32) hashes this year, respectively(?).
Each made classic blunders in his rookie set, establishing themselves as
first-class hashers and outstanding new boots; see TD's monsoon #676.4 and
RA's 3-mile straight #678.4.
They have also made fine contributions to the Dysfunction of the Year:
Hashers Dating Hashers. Darwin spins in his grave at the thought of it!
Oh, the humanity.
Why a tie instead of just one Rookie of the Year? Your Beloved Scribes are
a bit embarrassed to admit this, but we still can't tell them apart. Which
one is Rob and which one is Alan again? We don't care. Thank G we managed
to give them hash names.
***
Best Food: It is with great reluctance that we give the award to Hey Yo!
Paully! for his luscious apres after the disastrous #651.4. Honorable
mention to Big Nut's egg rolls after #569.6 and to Uranus Williams for
cookies, lots of cookies.
***
Worst Food: Oreos of any flavor (see Sky Blue Creme from #649.4 and
Halloween flavor from #680.4). Luckily, they seem to be native to Bucks
County.
***
Protests/Whines/Remarks of the Year:
"My feet are wet" - almost everyone in the Year of the Whine.
"Euthanized Meat is Dangerous to Your Health" - sign on #640.4
"There WAS a man involved, he was named over the incident also, I was
amused and he was NOT." - all Ice Blue Balls will tell us about how she
got her name
"I'm really worried about this set." - Juicy, #654.4
242 to Paige: "The hashes are not usually like this."
Benedicta to Paige: "Yeah, that's what they said on my first one,
too. There's always an excuse!" - #654.4
"RoJo is just a toady to the Geezer." - Hey Yo! Paully!, #663.4
"He cooks." - Lick Me, I'm Salty's excuse for consorting with Joy, #666.6
"I'm amphibious." Hey Yo! Paully!, #669.4
"So I'm on Virgin Airlines and the stewardess comes and sits across
from me with no underwear!" - The Reluctant Breeder, #669.4
Someone: Hey Booger how'd ya get that name?
Booger: Just look at me! - #669.4
"If you're blindfolded, you're not naked!" Hey Yo! Paully!, #670.4
"Hey, Rubber and I found a nice stream to wash our feet off in" Speed Bumps
"Well why are they covered in mud then?" Pyro Man
"We fell in the mud getting out of the stream" Speed Bumps - #670.4
"Just another quarter mile... maybe three eighths..." - Tropical
Depression, #676.4
"Make yourselves at home." - A Joy to His Mother, #677.4
"You're making a mockery of this!" - Throat Deep, #679.4
"Joy never ate any of my body parts!" - Juicy, #685.4
"Sweaty Hash!" - Milli-Pyro, #686.4
"Why is Mr. Jones bleeding so much?" - Will Quackenbush (pronounced
Throatwarbler Mangrove), age 5, #688.4
"I'm the Total Fucking Moron, why would I have a strategy?" - TFM, #692.4
And the winner in the Quote of the Year category is:
"Simon says 'Stop! you alligator-faced bitch!'" - Unknown local observer on
#693.4.
***
***
***
And Now, The Ultimate Award...............Hasher of the Year for 1998:
1992: The Hash Ghost- full frontal nude photo included in this
now-a-collector's-item write-up
1993: No Award; apparently there was no 1993.
1994: In Utero (now happily ex utero)
1995: Wacko - first to 365.
1996: Who has run more hashes than any other non-human? Glory, that's who.
She raised the average IQ of the pack by 50 points each time she ran.
1997: Delay LLLama. Eternally lost - miserable sets.
1998: This year it was deja vu all over again, as an old catcher said,
probably apocryphally. Time and again, our Apres were graced with a
stunningly iconic cry. Indeed, we heard it so often that it became a mantra
for this Year of the Whine. And so we honor as Hasher of the Year, none
other than the Louisiana Reptile Fancier, as he echoed the defining
utterance of that defining icon of our century, indeed, the defining person
of out time, Richard Milhous Nixon: "That's it; I'm outta here and I'm not
coming back! Oh Hell, you won't have the LRF to kick around any more." But
come back he did, over and over, as we trust he will in the future. He
won't always get to the finish, or even the start, but He Will Return.
P.T. Barnum is vindicated again.
***
On On to '98
YBSs
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