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1995 YEAR END REVIEW!
First, a little history:
Hash #1, October 7, 1979. The legendary Joe Burns sets a loop starting
from Stevenson Hall, 91 Prospect.
Hash #100, September 13, 1986. The Geezer and Wacko set through the
campus, the grad school, Marquand Park and the Institute.
Hash #200, May 13, 1990. Dogshrinker and Wacko set in the rainforest-like
Pine Barrens.
Hash #300.4, November 17, 1991. The LRF and Throatwarbler Mangrove set a
Simple Tour of Princeton in deference to 15 simian visitors from Reading.
Hash #400.4, March 7, 1993. The Geezer sets from Rosedale Park to
Terhune's Orchard.
Hash #500.4, May 5, 1995. The LRF sets in the pouring rain through
Weinstein's freshly plowed field of dreams to the boulders on Province Line
Road. Joe Burns and Dr. No return. Apres at Good Friends courtesy of Hash
Cash.
This was The Year of Living Stupidly, The Year of the Cop, in other words,
YOMAMA, the Year Of Many Angry and Malicious Assholes. Never have we been
so beset by so many inbred lowlife defenders of their sacred turf, so many
homeowners from hell, so many law enfarcement ossifers. So let's dedicate
1995 to the following rogue's gallery of New Jersey's finest specimens:
#487.4, the first hash of the year, on a holiday, for Pete's sake, featured
Farmer Brown and the Ratchild, who blazed away at us across a corn stubble
field. They missed.
#488.4, the very next week, found us at the mercy of Cablecop, Ctec's
finest sekurity patrol, who tried his evil best to put the arm on poor 242.
The fact that 242 was jumping up and down in a dumpster screaming "Where's
the beer? where's the beer?" is no excuse at all. Moreover, Wacko was
arrested on the way to the start for driving an excessively ugly van.
#494.4 saw the appearance of Fred and Frederika the Huns, staunch defenders
of the Wilderness Aryan Nation, and of Property Rights in general. We were
also treated to an appearance by a number of New Jersey's Finest who broke
up the apres.
#495.4 found Wacko in court, victim of Officer Gonzalez and Hanging Judge
Bateman. A mere 2000 hours of community service seemed hardly enough to
erase crimes of the magnitude of Wacko's transgressions, but there you have
it. The country has gone soft on crime.
#499 reintroduced us to Clem and his pit bull, as well as three squad cars
chock full o' coppers. The PH3 is now officially personae non grata in the
region of the Nuclear Football.
#509.4 put us in the tender clutches of Red Shirt, a foul-mouthed homeowner
in Ewing Township, who ordered us to wait quietly while he summoned the
SWAT squad from Ewing Cop Central. Ole Red gets the all time award for
worst language ever heard on a PH3 run.
#511.4 found us sensitively interacting with an Ecovigilante at the Audubon
Center. He did a fine job of educating us as to the evils of beer.
#522.4 once more put us in double trouble as we were shooed away from the
start by Jackbooted Thug Guards at the NJ Home for the Terminally
Befuddled, and then chased by an incensed Homeowner in a Van as we crossed
a stream close by his sacred borders.
To all these fine folk we dedicate the Year of 1995, YOMAMA!
First Hash: Jan. 1, 1995, Toxic Waste sets #487.4 in fields, woods, and
swamps just off Route 295. See later for more details.
Statistics: We ran 49 hashes in 1995, with, mercifully, no Hash Style Runs.
This is two more than the previous year. The average pack was 12.9, and
yes, I did figure it out, and yes, like all the numbers in this mismanaged
disorganization it may be wrong, but it is official.
Best Hash of the Year: After two years in a row as winner of this
prestigious award, Solo sinks to the level of also-rans. The winner this
year is.. Well this is hard. I am tempted to give it to the first hash of
the year, Toxic Waste's #487.4. Yet, how can one ignore a hash that no one
finishes? One that ends in the dark at a roadside bar featuring $9 steaks
of mystery, cheap beer, and a barmaid who lends money? One can't, that's
all there is to it. So Toxic gets honourable mention for a good start and
the highly coveted hash of the year goes to Pushnermaybe and Nightmare for
#532.4.
Worst Venue of the Year: Well, there are those who claim that Eyesore's
#501.4, "Eyesore's Excess" rivals the LRF's all-time winner, #327.4, "The
Warehouses at the End of Time," but I doubt it. Nonetheless I quote from
the writeup, "For as far as the eye could see the land was devoid of living
things. No bird flew nor insect crawled, and no leaf or flower broke the
tan, dusty, earth. Only a single stand of lifeless trees, the treadmarks of
now-rusting earthmovers idled in the distance, and the occasional eruption
of some vile liquid, forming fetid pools like oozing scabs on the skin of
Mother Earth, served to break the barely undulating volcanic terrain." Well
that's not bad.
Worst Hash of the Year: So many possibilities; so few awards. Still one
must make the tough decisions, that's what you pay me to do. So...In Up To
His Waste gets this one for his farcical #491.4, "Such a nice Run!" a 32
minute live hare fiasco of missing marks. It was run after a 45 minute
drive to the start. If it were appropriate to give the Worst of the Year to
a roadtrip, the award might well have gone to #523.4, also the Delaware
HHH's #25, held in deepest Wilmington. This was a 2 hour marathon, almost
entirely on concrete. It began with erroneous directions, and ended as the
cars carrying the dry clothes, car keys, and anything else useful drove
off. However, see also #532.4, the best hash of the year which gets
honourable mention as the worst of the year. Honorable mention as well to
the Milkman's 33 minute effort, #493.4, "They're either too young or too
old; Either too gray or too grassy green..." The best thing about this one
is the title, which no one but the Geezer understands.
Best Writeup. No great ones this year. I liked #491.4, which is no
surprise as I wrote it myself.
Best Food: Wen Qi's dumplings and egg rolls on Big Nut's #526.4, Honorable
Mention to Pushnermaybe and Nightmare of # 532.4 for really good Chili.
Worst Food: As usual there are many contenders. The Geezer's jalapeno ooze
on #490.4 takes it by a wrinkled nose from the Red and White panther piss
masquerading as beer on Wacko's #506.4.
Best Object of the Year: The Headless Turkey, Found on #487.4, cleanly
decapitated on the Amtrack line.
Notable Last Hashes: Likes It, Rawsex, Kitty Litter
Notable Anniversaries: Geezer (350), Toxic Waste, Wrong Way (100), Delay
LLLama (75), 242, Safe Sweats, The Madam, IUTHW (50)
And Now, The Ultimate Award...............Hasher of the Year for 1995:
1992: The Hash Ghost
1993: No Award
1994: In Utero (now happily ex utero)
1995: Wacko. Present on Hash #1, and nearly every hash since, Wacko
achieved this year something so stupifyingly pathetic that there can be no
real contest for this year's award. On Hash #524.4, Wacko completed his
365.4th hash, a complete year of wasted life. Think about it. And you, too,
Debbie, think about it - before it's too late!
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