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January 2000
Q: I am a normal teen with problems with friends etc. I am in the 8th grade and I think that it's time where I think I
should be able to have close guy friends or a boyfriend if I so choose. I realize why my single father whom I live with is a little apprehensive about the whole idea which I've tried in many ways to discuss with
him. I've never really flat out said "can I have a boyfriend" but I didn't think I'd have to because I could tell his reaction with out directly asking him, upset. Granted it is the 90's but he's letting
me go to dances and stuff. And no parent can honestly say they're not expecting anything to happen at a Co-ed dance. But reguardless of what he says IF I want a b/f I'm going to have one anyway. The difference will
be can I come and talk to my Dad about good/bad experiences or can I not. And currently I don't have a boyfriend but if I did I would want to know how to express the news to my father. What Shall I do?
Unsure Teen
MI
A: You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. I am a parenting expert and not a counselor. Talk to either a guidance counselor or someone who can
give you advice. But you are right, you will need your father's guidance and he should be there for you.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My 4 year old daughter and I just cant get along lately, she wont
accept any demands from my side, no friendly words help to get her to do what has to be done (bathing, dressing) etc. If it doesnt go her way, she starts screaming, fighting, kicking and I am exhausted. In the end I
have no other solution, then getting mad with her and our relationship is a constant fight. She cant take NO for an answer, and I dont now how to change that either. Its been a month that she is wetting her bed
again at night (she has been night dry since one and a half Years) I wonder what the problem could be and how I can restablish our relations ship into a harmonious healthy mother-daughter relation. Can you help?
Cameron
bradenton , fl
A: Dear Cameron,
There are so many things that you can do. She needs power and you have to find ways to make her feel powerful that are
acceptable to you. For example, offer choices instead of commands. Let her do some important chores around the house like choosing the menu for dinner and helping make dinner. Ask her advice or have her teach you
something. Read, "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols to get a lot of ideas.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: I have a 2 year old daughter, who has started throwing tantrums
for no apparent reason. We are facing three persistent problems and need your help :
1. She loves watching film songs while eating. What started more as a fun, has become a habit, where she refuses to eat if
her favourite songs are not played. We realised the intensity of this problem, when we had our vacation couple of weeks ago, and she just refused to eat since her favourite songs were not played. We are not sure how
to get her out of this habit
2. She got used to the habit of holding a quilt while sleeping from around 6 months, and now she cannot sleep without it. We tried changing here quilt to a differet design but
she demands the same quilt. She is so attached to the quilt, she starts screaming on the days when we wash it, and she cannot see her quilt being put in a washing machine. We later on changed the quilt to a matching
pillow case, more from a convenience point of view, and now she clings on this pillow case 24 hrs a day. Pls advice how should we get her out of this habit
3. When she throws tantrums, we try to ignore her,
and when we know for a fact she is throwing tantrums purely to show her power, we started locking her up in her room (not more than 5-10 minutes). We started this just recently, and must have locked her up for not
more than 5-10 times till date. She has started pissing when we lock her up. Can you pls advice if we should stop this, or by continuing, will it help her to be disciplined.
Regards
Uma Anand
Singapore
A: Dear Uma,
Two year olds are supposed to throw tantrums - it is completely developmentally appropriate so don't try to eliminate them - it won't work. Try to teach her
how to calm herself down - counting to ten, taking deep breaths, etc. Do NOT lock her in her room - that is very scary for such a young child!! I would stop that immediately. If you want to, you can take her to her
room and teach her calming techniques like the ones I listed above.
For the songs while eating, if it is an issue for you, I would stop letting her watch them while eating and if she doesn't eat, don't force
it. If you stick to your position, she will eventually eat because she will be hungry. This assumes that she doesn't have a physical problem with weight gain (you may want to check with your pediatrician if you
aren't sure).
I don't know why you want her to stop holding onto the quilt or pillow case. It is a security blanket and it is very healthy for a small child to have a security item. I wouldn't worry about it
at all. If you want to make some rules about it, that's fine. For example, she can only have it in bed and in the house.
I hope this helps!
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My two year old is about to turn three. He has a real habit of
saying no even when he is doing what I ask him to do. I have been reminding him nicely to say yes ma'am and he will say yes ma'am right after I ask him to. I am growing weary of this exercise and I do not know how
to move from reminding him everytime to expecting him to take the innitiative. I realize that two year olds like to say no but I feel like he is past that stage but just stuck in a habit. Could you give me a
suggestion on how it get past this? Thanks
Ginger V.
A: Dear Ginger,
If your child is doing what you asked and still saying "No" - you are getting a lot
better results than most parents of two year olds! It is developmentally appropriate for your two year old to say NO to everything and you should allow him to go through this stage without much worry. The best
advice I can give is try to ignore the No if he is doing what you ask. If he is not doing what you ask, calmly give him a choice and then follow up with one of the choices. He will soon learn that saying No is not
going to get him what he wants and he will give it up.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My formerly wonderful child is turning into a 5-year-old control freak. I am sure that much of his behavior is related to his developmental stage, but we are at our wits end tyring to cope. Where he
once was very polite, he has turned bossy. When he used to ask for things, now he makes demands. When he does not get his way, he throws loud screaming temper tantrums. He will also use "I can't do it by
myself" or something similar to try to get us to do simple things for him like opening the toothpaste or putting on shoes. He will not accept the word "no" and when we attempt to explain and offer an
alternative, he refuses to listen, resorting instead to screaming. He moves from "Let me do that myself" to "I can't" within minutes. What are some strategies that can help us bring him out of
this?
Steve Keene
Port Neches, TX
A: Dear Steve,
I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to answer you. You need to understand that no matter what his
response is, you have to stick to your guns. Remain calm and offer choices. Do NOT do for him what he can do for himself unless absolutely necessary. Say, "As soon as you open the toothpaste and brush your
teeth, we can read a book." Then walk away. You don't need to say anything else because anything else may turn into a power struggle. Simply smile and wait until he complies.
Good luck! It isn't easy but it works!
Jill
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Q: I
worry about my daughter who turned three today. She is very friendly to other kids in her class, e.g., she shares toys she brings in, says hello, acts excited to see them. Unfortunately, they rarely respond with the
same enthusiasm. I watch her circle around the room, but she does not become engaged in activities that the others are playing with "together". In one on one situations she is great. She tells me things
every night like "they say that she is not my friend". I do not understand why she is treated differently. I know I am biased, but she is really sweet and not afraid of doing anything. The photographer
that I used for her portrait keeps an 8x10 photo of her on studio's front window. My husband says she tells me things because I always give her such a positive response afterward. I always tell her that she is
wonderful, that it is terrific that she knows how to play by herself, and that she is special so when the kids get to know her they will all want to be her friend. I told her some times kids say things that are not
nice because they are feeling badly inside.
Do you have any suggestions on what I should and should not do?
Stephanie Bosworth
A: Dear Stephanie,
I have a
number of suggestions. First of all, ask her what she can do when someone says something mean to her. Have her come up with suggestions and then you can add some of your own. It is very important that you show her
that this is her issue to handle, not yours. If you take this on, she will not learn how to handle her own problems. She needs to try to handle it and if she learns how to, imagine how wonderful she will feel. Also,
be careful of praising her too much. Encouragement is much more effective. Praise focuses on the person and your judgement of the child. Encouragement focuses on the effort and is more specific. This difference is
described in detail in "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: How do I stop my 5 year old from biting her fingernails? I've tried everything from not painting her nails when SHE wants them painted to trying to talk
to her and get her to understand that she shouldn't bite her nails. She should wait until Mommy cuts them for her. I just don't want her to have ugly fingers when she gets older. Can you help?
Laura
Landover, MD
A: Dear Laura, I wouldn't worry about her having ugly fingernails when she gets older. She will be able to make that decision at that time. The best course of action
would be to ignore it and see if she decides on her own to stop.
Good luck!
Jill
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Q: My 5 year old son was playing with a 3 year old boy. The 3 year old boy asked my son to pull down his pants and he then sucked on my son's penis. He then asked my son to touch his
bottom when my son finally came downstairs to let me know what happened. I know that this is not normal behavior and am very concerned about the effect that this will have on my son.
I feel so terrible that
I couldn't even leave them alone in my son's bedroom, I thought they were playing toys, not that. Should I let this go, put him in therapy, I just don't know.
I feel so terrible that this happened, I have
been a stay at home mom for 5 years and have only sent him to his grandparents and a very respected preschool, just because I wanted him to be safe and then it happened right under my nose. I had told him many times
that his private parts were private he was not to let anyone touch them, the whole speech, but in a matter of minutes it was over.
Shannon
A: Dear Shannon,
I am so
sorry that it has taken me so long to respond to you. Your situation is troubling and I was having a hard time coming up with an answer for you. I think that the three year old did something wrong but your son is
not necessarily significantly effected by it. Talk to your son. Explain why you were so upset about it. Find out if he is upset about it. Use it as a learning experience. If your son seems to be o.k. about it then
it might not have effected him as much as it effected you. This would be good. But don't assume that he is not effected by it. It is good that you are concerned. But don't make it into a problem if it is not. Be
aware, keep the communication open. Let him know that if he ever wants to talk about it, you are here for him. That is all you can do. You sound like a loving mother - don't worry that all your work bringing him up
has come undone.
Good luck!
Jill
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