January 1998
Q: I have a good friend who is having trouble with her 1 1/2 year old son. She is the kindest person in the world and never raises her voice. She has done almost zero discipline (for instance time outs), preferring to speak in calm tones and explaining the whys and why nots of certain situations. She is now being severely tested with temper tantrums etc. and wants to know how to handle the situation

SG
Princeton, NJ

A: Temper Tantrums can be infuriating but they are a normal part of most children's development. Children throw temper tantrums to get an adult's attention, to get their own way, to hurt back if they feel hurt or to get others to leave them alone. Figure out why your child is throwing the tantrum. Is it at a certain time of day? Or is it over a certain situation, toy place, etc.? Try to avoid the situation that is bringing on the tantrum. If the tantrum is over a physical need, such as being tired or hungry, meet the need as soon as possible. If the child is testing you, one of the best ways to deal with it is to simply ignore it. Stay calm (that is the hardest part) and wait until it's over. Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE IN! Giving in will show the child that temper tantrums work. Calmly state. "As soon as you calm down, we can talk." Help the child to calm down byt telling him to take deep breaths or count to ten. This will also help you to calm down. The calmer you are, the easier it will be for your child to calm down. If you cannot remain calm, remove yourself from the scene.

Once the tantrum is over, say nothing about it. Comfort him if he needs it and say, "It's o.k. to be upset. We all get upset. I'm here and I love you." Your child will feel much better and you will realize that you haven't given in to him! He will soon realize that a tantrum is not getting him what he wants.

Thanks for asking!

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We have a five month old son and are looking for recommendations for babysitters. Do you have any suggestions on whom to call or where to focus our search?

JF
Princeton, NJ

A: Dear JF,

Babysitters seem to be the hot topic recently. Anyone who has one doesn't want to share them but how do you get them in the first place? First, ask everyone you know for suggestions. Second, try the college employment offices - post a part-time position and most likely you will get a response. Third, try the ESL department at the YWCA and ask them to post something. Finally, you could try the high school - call and ask them if they could put something in their newsletter. I just want to let you know that what you are doing is great. Having a new baby is very stressful and it is very important to get help. It is very important that we take care of ourselves as parents because we will not be very good parents if we don't. After you get your sitter you should take time to do something for yourself. See a movie, go out to dinner, get a massage! You shouldn't look at it as a luxury but a necessity. Your child will benefit from how happy you are!

Good luck
Jill

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Q: My child is so shy. He won't answer new people when they talk to him. His teachers don't pay much attention to him. How do you help a shy child interact?

A: Shyness is a behavior in children which often arouses concern in parents. However, shyness is not necessarily something to be concerned about - it is not a "disease" but a normal way that young children behave when confronted with a world full of strange people and places that they have never experienced before. Put yourself back to when you were a child and you had a new experience. I remember hiding under the table at a restaurant when I was "shy" and not coming out. And today I am someone that you would definitely not label as "shy". With time and understanding from parents, most children will eventually outgrow their shyness or learn to accept it as part of themselves.

To support a child who you might feel is "shy", parents can begin by showing acceptance of their child's temperament. Do not label a child as "shy". Tell people that "it takes some time for Kurt to feel comfortable. He will be your friend in a little while."

Advance knowledge of what your plans are is very important for a "shy" child. Tell her what you are doing and who is going to be there. Arrive early at playdates, schools, parties or any social event to give the child a chance to get more comfortable with the surroundings.

Talk to your child about his feelings instead of labeling him shy. "I notice that when people say hello to you, you hide your head behind your hands. That's o.k. with me, but it would help if you would tell people that you don't feel like talking right now. I love you whether you talk or not." Don't try to force your child into situations he isn't ready for. Help him find small steps he can take to feel more comfortable.

Don't let your child's shyness be an excuse to stop her from doing things she needs to do. Tell your child, "It's o.k. to feel uncomfortable, but you still need to go to school. Are there ways I could help you feel more comfortable?"

Remember that there is nothing wrong with shyness. It is a behavior that your child will most likely grow out of if you offer acceptance and love.

Good luck!
Jill

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Do you have any advice on how to discipline a 16 month old boy who is very spoiled? My best friend is having trouble with her son. She works days and her husband works nights. They only spend Sundays together. What one parent says is okay the other one doesn't. His behavior is getting out of hand. She would like to start time-out, but isn't sure how to begin. If you have any suggestions I could pass on to her it would be appreciated.

THANK YOU!

DD
Sterling, IL

A: I remember when my first son was around 16 months old he changed from a little angel into a child with a mind of his own. This is the age when most people begin the process of discipline and the key word is begin. It is normal and natural for a 16 month old to challenge everything we tell them to do. We should look at this as them asserting their independence. Sometimes this assertiveness can drive us crazy and we end up being ruled by our small toddlers. There are steps we can take to make life with a toddler more peaceful. First of all, choose your battles. Hitting and biting should not be tolerated but if your child does not want to eat all of his peas you can let that go. Be clear when you have a rule and state it once, then take an action. "If you hit, we must leave Johnny's house." And if you say this, you must follow through. Rules without consistency will result in our children testing us more. Second, distraction is a great way to handle children at this age. They are still able to change from one thing to another fairly easily. Distract your child away from the item he should not play with by giving him a different item. Third, involve your child in the task at hand. By 18 months, children should be able to:

turn off lights while being carried, carry in the newspaper or mail, get their own cereal from kid-friendly containers, wash tables and counters with a damp sponge, pick up toys and clothes, put soiled diaper in diaper pail, wash vegetables, tear lettuce, stir, help set the table, feed and water pets, run simple errands around the house, help put groceries away, take clothes out of dryer.
This is just a short list of how you can involve your child in everyday chores and if you do, you will find that your child will give you less struggles. Finally, time out should be used very sparingly with a child this young, if at all. A 16 month old does not understand why you are putting him into time out and may become scared if left alone. Try the other ways listed above in order to make your child more helpful. And know that this stage is a short one - as soon as your child becomes more verbal you will be able to reason with him more and you will find him less frustrated and easier to be around.

Good luck!
Jill