November 1999
Q: My neice is two and a half her parents are divorced her dad moved back into the house [ourparents] so she lives with us half the week the problem is that she is so out of control that she makes life miserable what can we do . HELP!

D.E.

A: Dear D.E.,

The problem is that many two and a half year olds are “out of control”. They are discovering how powerful they can be by throwing tantrums and screaming. This can be very difficult for parents and other members of the family. Your situation is compounded by the fact that she is going through a transition because of the divorce. You all need to take a parenting class and possibly get some counseling. These are big issues and should not be ignored. You can call 1-800-257-9002 to find a parenting class near you.

Finally, research what is normal behavior for a two year old. One of my favorite poems about toddlers gives you an idea of what your niece is all about:

TODDLER'S CREED

If I want it, it's mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it's mine.
If I can take it away from you, it's mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If it's mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks JUST like mine, it is mine.


This doesn’t mean that you should give her everything that she wants. You need to learn to set limits with her in a kind and calm way. You are the adult - let her have the tantrums, not you. If she throws a tantrum because she wants something that she is not supposed to have, do not give in. If you give in to a tantrum, she will do it more. Let her have her tantrum and then help her calm down.

This is a hard stage for anyone to go through!

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: My three year old daughter wants nothing at all to do with potty training. She will scream and cry if you try to get her to use the potty. We tell her she needs to wear panties and go to the potty and she says she doesn't want to get big. I have tried to let her pick out panties at the store but she just cries for diapers.What can I do to get her to give up her diapers?

Linda
Pensacola, FL

A: Dear Linda,

Is there a reason that she says she doesn’t want to get “big”? Have you recently had a baby or a big move, etc.? You need to find out what the reason is behind the behavior before you can work on the potty training. I would give up the potty training fight for now and see if she starts to become interested on her own. Sometimes children like the power struggle and really don’t want that to end. If you stop struggling with her she may come around by herself. But you really must give up the struggle – no hinting or rewarding for potty training. Just let her do what she wants for a while. Try it for 4 to 6 weeks and let me know what happens.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Our daughter is 10 and her friend is 9. Our daughter went to a friends house to play. They were in the backyard when her little friends father said he would be right back he was running to the store. While he was gone the girls went inside to watch TV. When the father returned the door was locked. Neither of the girls locked the door. Our daughter says that he locked the door when he left. The father was quite upset and called the girls liars and forbid them to play with each other until one of them confessed. How do we handle this situation?

Cindy Compary
Alamogordo , nm

A: Dear Cindy,

Lying is a normal part of growing up. You really will never know who is telling the truth because the father could have locked it and not remembered doing so. I would forget about the fact that they lied. Tell them that you hope that they can feel comfortable telling you the truth and explain why lying is worse than locking the door. However, I would leave it at that and not make things worse. If the girls did lock the door, you need to explain why locking the door is dangerous. Tell your daughter that you believe her that she is not lying, however she needs to do something to apologize to her friends' father. You can ask her to come up with some ideas. For example, she can bake him some cookies and explain that she did not lock the door but she is sorry about the misunderstanding. Hopefully, he will not be as angry and will let your daughter and her friend see each other after that.

Good luck!
Jill

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have a 2 year old daughter who is a terrible eater. She does not like to eat. She will not eat any meat. She will eat bannana's and canned peaches and sometimes strawberries and blueberries. She will eat no veg. unless it is babyfood and even then it is only squash and sweet potatoes. She will not eat it if it is cubed, only babyfood. She will eat crackers, bread and pasta. She does like the apple carrot and apple sweet potato juice and will drink that. Texture seems to be a problem. I'm at my wits end!! Any suggestions??

Gail Christenson
Shelby Twp. , mi

A: The short answer is that you shouldn't worry what your child eats. Your child will eat when she is hungry. Offer her healthy choices and if she doesn't take them, she will when she gets hungry enough. This is true as long as your doctor has not indicated that she has a weight gain problem. Studies have shown that children will eat over the course of several days what they need. But they may not eat a lot at each meal.

Two year olds assert their independence by choosing what foods they will eat. Don't make it a power struggle. Speak to your pediatrician to confirm there is not a physical issue. Make sure that she takes a vitamin and know that the rest is up to her.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:My daughter just turned 4 years old. We also have a 2 year old son and we're expecting #3 in mid-August. For the past year (August 31 - May 28) my daughter has been in daycare and has learned quite a bit. However, she still has a very short attention span and tends to be very "scattered".

How would you recommend helping her focus and increase her attention span? She will spend the summer home with her Dad and brother (I work full-time) and then will start pre-K on August 12th for 3 hours a day Monday - Friday.

We've started by thinning out the toy choices in their room and will cycle them through weekly to biweekly. Her daycare teacher suggested using a kitchen timer to set a time limit that she must play with a selected toy for that length of time and increase the time limit slowly until she can play with a toy for a minimum of 10 minutes at a time. (Right now, we're lucky to get 1 or 2 minutes of play before she moves on to another toy.)

Any advice is welcomed because I'm not sure how to proceed with her because her personality/style is so totally opposite of mine or my husbands.

Thanks,

Susan Martin
College Station , TX

A: Dear Susan, Has the teacher indicated that she has an attention problem? If her teacher hasn’t diagnosed a problem and you are still concerned about it, bring her to a place that can test her to see if she is within the normal range for her age. Usually these places can offer some advice for helping to increase her attention span. Call your local county administrator to get the resources in your community.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:My 1 year old son results to biting for no apparent reason. What can I do?

Bobbi
Manassas , VA

A: Dear Bobbi,

Biting is a developmental stage - it is not abnormal at all. It is his way of expressing himself as he does not have the verbal skills yet. That doesn't mean that you should just stand by and be bit by your son. What you need to do every time he bites - say as calmly as you can, "Biting hurts. You may not bite." Take his hands and put them away from you so that he cannot bite you again. You can give him a washcloth to bite. Say, "You can bite the washcloth but people are not for biting." Instead of biting tell him to kiss and if he does, show him lots of positive attention for the kiss. You must do this in a firm but kind way. This is very difficult since you are probably not very happy that he is hurting you. However, it is a phase and it will end. The calmer you are as you do this, the sooner it will end. It may also be helpful to read a developmental book about one year olds and to talk to other parents who are experiencing similar things.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:I have a five year old grandson that is living with me and his mother moved to Iowa after deciding she did not want a boy and now that she is pregnant with a girl she can move away and start her life over. She is not with the father of either. She is single. She has repeatedly abandoned her child over the last 5 years. We will be taking custody and the problem is he is so angry and wants to know what is going on. He says his mother doesn’t want him. what do we tell him? He is having many problems. We are being denied counseling because we don’t have custody and it will be months before we could afford to hire a lawyer if ever. His mother wants to talk to him now and then but it just makes him upset to know she won't be coming back. He says he hates us alot. I know he is just confused. can you help?

Valerie Barbeau
Aloha , OR

A: Dear Valerie, You are a wonderful grandmother! I give you a lot of credit for raising this child with the care that you have shown in what you have told me. Please take this child to a professional who deals with children’s psychological issues. I am not an expert in this situation. I do think that your grandson needs to speak with a professional and that he will benefit from that.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have a couple of concerns regarding my 6 year old son. He is very small for his age, he weighs about 39 lbs. and is about 3'8" tall. He has always been small since about 3 yrs of age. My 3 year old daughter is almost as tall as him and her arms and legs and stomach/chest is bigger than his. Is there hope of him growing out of this or is there something I can give him to help him grow?

My other concern sort of ties into the first. My son plays baseball - this was his second year and next year he will move up to the 7-8 yr. old league. However, his athletic abilities don't compare to the other kids his age. He can't catch a ball at all and has a hard time throwing. His attention span doesn't seem to be there like the other kids either. My husband was very athletic and naturally wants his son to be, but he just doesn't seem to have it. Is there hope in teaching him and getting him to learn without being afraid of the ball. He has not been forced into playing - he wants to play. He also tried basketball last year and couldn't dribble the ball and doesn't have the strength to shoot it. It is so discouraging when you see the other kids can do this, but he can't - but wants to be able to. Sometimes I wonder if he wasn't so small and frail if he wouldn't have an easier time with sports. I don't know if you can help, but I would certainly appreciate any advice or suggestions you can give me?

Denise Kehrer
Sitersville , WV

A: Dear Denise, You need to take your son to a specialist to see if he has a physical problem. If your son wants to play baseball, encourage him. However, does he want to because he enjoys it or because he wants to please his father? If he really enjoys it, encourage him. Maybe he can be in a group with younger kids until he gets up to the level of children his age. Or maybe your husband can spend some time with him strengthening his skills. From what you have told me, it does sound like there may be a physical problem. The best advice I can give is to get it checked out by your pediatrician.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q:Dear jill,

I am having so much trouble with all of my children and need some serious help. All of my kids talk back and I don’t think I can take it anymore. My 5 yr old is so spoiled and has pretty much learned from the older kids, my daughter throws a fit when I ask her to clean her room. My 6 year old talks back and refuses to help with the chores. He is very hyper also and I would not ever think of putting him on that ritilin pill. The other day he knocked our flag pole over and now it is laying in our back yard. Please help, thanks michelle

michelle
lakewood , oh

A: Dear Michelle,

You need to get the book, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” by Kathryn Kvols. Also, call 1-800-257-9002 to see if there is an instructor near you so that you can take the class Redirecting Children’s Behavior. The class and the book will give you the basic information to start to discipline your children. Children need to be disciplined in a way that will increase their self-esteem, teach them self-control and allow you to feel in control of your home. When children are not disciplined, they do not feel loved. Your children are pushing the boundaries so that you will discipline them. With respect to your “hyper” child, I would recommend you getting some books that deal directly with that subject. One good book is “Your Active, Alert Child”. After you read these books and implement what they suggest, let me know if things get better.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have a twenty one month old who is biting other children at day care. He does not bite at home so I do not know how to correct this. On the days that he bites when I pick him up from daycare I tell him no biting, biting hurts. But by then he has forgotten all about it. I'm afraid the center is going to dismiss him if this behavior keeps up. What can I do?

Darlene
Cumming , GA

A: Dear Darlene, If your child is not biting at home, there is really not much you can do to control his behavior when you are not there. I am sure that this daycare center has encountered this situation before. Talk to them about it and find out if they have methods to deal with this. You can suggest to them to stay on top of him and notice when he is biting. Try to stop it before it happens and to distract him. In addition, I have several answers on biting on my website so browse through them and make a copy for the teachers.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have a 6 year old son who has been soiling in his underclothing for the past 6 months and I don't know what the problem is. I have even punished him for it by not letting him join in activities that he enjoys and I try to communicate and ask him why he does this but he refuses to confide in me. I am taking him to the pediatrician to be examined today and hopefully I will get some answers to where I can help him with this problem. Do you have any advice for me?

Angela

Angela Giesey
Barnesville , OH

A: Dear Angela, Soiling at 6 years old does indicate some problem. But I don’t think that punishing him is going to get him to stop. If your pediatrician does not say it is something physical, then I would try to talk to him to find out if something is upsetting him. Is there a new situation in your family – new home, sibling, divorce, etc.? Is something going on at school? Talk to his teacher and find out if he or she has any ideas.

If he doesn’t want to talk to you, let him know that he can talk to you when he is ready.

Good luck!
Jill


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: I have just read your response re: a "shy child" and found it useful and consistent with other such responses about parents being overly concerned about their child's shyness. However, as a grandparent I have not found help on how adults should handle these situations. There are 3 of the 4 children in one son's family are extremely shy (cover their eyes, will not answer any ADULT gentle acknowledgements - won't even say "hello", cry-cry-cry a lot). We have just spent the holiday weekend with them and other very familiar relatives - the children relate very well to their peers, absolutely ignore any adults other than their mother and father who seem oblivious to the inappropriateness of these children's behavior. I have never heard the parents acknowledge that their children ignoring adults speaking to them - until this weekend, I took this behavior personally (i.e. they don't like me, are rude and disrespectful children etc.). I found that all the adults simply decided to ignore these children because the children ignore them. When one child (3 years) had trouble getting some clothing on because he was holding an object, I took the object (saying I'll hold this for you while you put your jacket on) and he grabbed it back and ran to his mother - giving me a dirty look! Another time, the 6 year-old threw a tantrum because he only wanted to cling to his mother's side when his grandpa moved him out of the way in a boat. This occurred after being together for 2 days of camping which is a pretty intimate experience. The children shrug away when any adult attempts to touch them. What are adults suppose to do???

Mary Lou Williams
Monrovia , CA

A: Dear Mary Lou,

I am very glad that you asked this question. This seems to be a problem for a lot of families. Try to look at the situation from a child’s perspective – they do not remember all the times you (the grandparent) had held them and played with them as a baby. If you haven’t spent a lot of time with them recently – and that doesn’t mean being with them but playing with them – then you are more like a stranger to them (even if you don’t feel like a stranger).

The next time you see several children playing together – watch them. Children interact with each other very differently than adults interact with each other. When a young child comes into a room where there are other children, he doesn’t usually say, “Hello Sam. How are you?” He usually looks at the toys in the room and decides what he wants to play with. Or he may ask if he can play with the other child. Try relating to your grandchildren like you were a peer. Get into their world. Get interested in the things that they are interested in. Talk to them about Pokemon or Barbie or ask the parents what they have been playing with recently.

The parents can help you with this by talking to the children before you see them. Parents can tell children what is expected of them. For example, “Michael, we are going to see your grandparents today. When you see your relatives, they are expecting you to say hello to them and to be polite. Let’s talk about ways that you can say hello to them. You can give them a kiss or a hug, or shake their hand. Or you can wave and say hello. If you want me to hold your hand while you do this, I will.” But no matter what the parent wants the child to do, I don’t recommend that they force them to do it. The child will warm up when he feels comfortable and the parent can explain the behavior to the relatives by saying, “Michael needs a little time before he says hello. Please don’t take it personally.”

Let me know how it goes!
Good luck!
Jill