No One Else's Parents Are So Restrictive; You Just Don't Understand Me!: The "Rules of Teensbury" by Mark B. Levin, M.D. The Pediatric Group, P.A., Princeton

This is the twentyeighth article in a series written for Princeton Online. Click here for an archive of other articles.

If you are parent of a teen, you have heard these or similar words. In fact, it is likely that you have uttered these words to your parents. How ironic it is that we view the world differently from then as teenagers, but the same as then as parents. But take heart! This paradox has been going on since the beginning of recorded history. To be sure, adolescents view the world through inexperienced eyes that see the world in idealistic shades of black and white. Only after experience has taught a teen a sometimes harsh lesson does his or her outlook take on the colors of maturity. You have guided your child through growth and development until now. You have established a working relationship with your child, giving advice when needed and solace when craved. Your child's greatest challenges lie ahead, so this is the worst time to relinquish the authority you have carefully exerted since your child's birth. Remember though, that dictatorial authority is no more welcomed by an adolescent than it would be by you. The bywords for a parent's relationship with a teen are respect, support, love and gentle guidance. It is far more effective to say to your objecting child, "I would not do it that way because…." "But if you want to try it out, go ahead. You know what is the right thing to do. If it works out, great! If not we can talk about it afterward." Than to say, "Do it my way or you will be punished." The former method encourages independence and communication (This is where your having included your child in the family decision-making process for the last few years pays off). The latter invites rebellion. Of course, if a dangerous situation is at hand, explanations must be accompanied by, "I would not do that and I think you would agree that you should not either." Although children do not always provide enough notice to allow the time to carry on adequate discussion, try to leave enough time for your child to consider all the statements and come back to you with a conclusion. If everyone is pressed by last minute decisions, more likely than not, an argument will ensue.

In light of the foregoing discussion, it is wise to discuss teen situations with your child well before the issues arise. Family discussions sewing the seeds of appropriate behavior will bear the fruits of responsible adulthood later on. Things like curfews, driving with peers and at night (see our previous article entitled, I Got My Driver's License!), and rules for having or attending parties are among the common issues that drive a wedge between parents and teens. Prepare by having discussed these issues ahead of time. The paragraphs that follow outline helpful pointers in these discussions.

Curfews: We all know how much teens need increased amounts of sleep and, conversely, how sleep deprived they become during a school year full of homework and extracurricular activities. We also know how tired and disoriented we feel during the week of adjustment after we change our clocks for 1 hour each Spring and Fall. Presented with this information, an adolescent can readily appreciate how a consistent bedtime can make a real difference in the way they feel. Curfews on nights before school, usually from Sunday night through Thursday night, are reasonable limits. The actual hour specified will vary from one family to another and from one child to another, depending on their individual needs. Be sure to plan the return from family outings early on a Sunday, so your child does not have the opportunity to point out the hypocrisy of the "do what I say, not what I do" syndrome. For special occasions, alternatives for late nights with friends include have friends sleep over at your house or that of a friend whose parents you trust (see party rules, below). Make sure your child has learned the rudiments of self defense before late night activities become the norm.

Driving with peers and at night: Briefly, considering the myriad possible dangerous situations that driving presents, teens are inexperienced drivers. Obtaining a driver's license does not qualify as free pass to go anywhere anytime with anyone. Discussing limits on night-time driving, inclement weather driving, what constitutes a safe vehicle and who might be an appropriate passenger (inexperienced drivers make inexperienced passengers who might impulsively distract the driver) should all be done before a teen gets a driver's license.

Party rules: The Parents' Association of Princeton Day School, Princeton, NJ has elaborated following sensible guidelines (published in the school's Handbook*):

For parties in your home:

1. Do not allow parties in your home unless you are present.
2. Do not serve or allow underage youth to consume alcoholic beverages on your property.
3. Do not allow the use of illegal drugs on your property.
4. Be present and visible at every party in your home from beginning to end. Greet guests to establish the tone. Be friendly and visible, but not overbearing.
5. Know the scope of the guest list. Lack of a specific list encourages friends of friends to crash the party. Large unchaperoned parties are particularly prone to problems. Be available to provide support in case uninvited guests arrive.
6. Parents need to work out ground rules with sons and daughters. Children and parents often have different expectations.
7. Be absolutely certain that anyone who leaves your home is fit to do so.

For parties elsewhere:

1. Be sure to determine in advance the nature of the party and the general ground rules that family has for parties.
2. Settle transportation arrangements in advance. Coming home with one's parents is incentive for good behavior.
3. Respect your child's decision not to go to a party.
4. Keep children informed as to how to reach you or another trusted adult at all times.
5. Impress upon your child the importance of keeping you informed of any change of plans and/or party changes.
6. Counsel your child never to drive with a person who is impaired in any way (drugs, alcohol, licit drugs, fatigue)
7. Encourage your child to leave any party that seems to be getting out of control.

You should know that you are legally responsible if an underage youth consumes alcoholic beverages or uses illicit drugs on your property, whether or not you are aware of the occurrence.

*cited with permission

Of course, parties do not always occur in a private home. Public facilities can host parties and parties happen regularly in college dormitories and/or fraternity or sorority houses. In most states, the legal drinking age is 21. College students know, however, that they can obtain alcohol (and/or drugs) freely on most campuses. Because drugs and alcohol are facilitators of date-rape, the following suggestions were compiled for a professional journal article published in June, 2000 by Drs. Richard Schwartz and Regina Milteer. They utilized medical data and information supplied by the Chemistry Unit of the FBI in discussing drug facilitated sexual assault ("date-rape").

1. Limit alcoholic drinks to a maximum of one or two per hour.
2. Do not gulp alcoholic beverages (both because more rapid consumption has faster deleterious effects but also because consuming larger amounts of contaminated drinks allows a larger ingestion of hidden drugs.
3. Be wary of opened (alcoholic) beverages offered by strangers or male acquaintances.
4. Let your date be the first to drink from a punch bowl at a bar, club or rave.
5. Avoid group drinking, and particularly participating in drinking games.
6. Check with local police departments regarding the location of bars and clubs where drug-facilitated sexual assault has occurred.
7. When in an unfamiliar bar, directly observe your drink being poured by the bartender.
8. If your opened beverage looks, smells or tastes strange, do not drink it.
9. After returning to your table (e.g., from dancing, making a call or using the restroom), obtain a fresh drink.
10. If you feel giddy or light-headed at a bar, club or party, get assistance.
11. If you arrived with friends, a prearranged plan should be in place to check on each other visually and verbally before separately departing a bar, club or party.
12. If one of your friends appears intoxicated, get help (consider calling 911).

At least 20 different drugs have been used in date-rape situations. Some of these are legally sold in the USA. Others are legally sold in other countries. The physical and chronic psychological consequences of being sexually violated can not be overstated. Compounding the damage is the sobering thought that date-rape situations are not conducive to condom use. The specter of unwanted pregnancy and potentially lethal sexually transmitted diseases haunts every parent of a teen.

Lets teach our children to feel good about themselves so they do not have to turn to these socially detrimental behaviors to feel accepted by their peers. Lets maintain support for and communication with our children so we can help guide them through this rocky period of ups and downs. And let's do these things early enough that our children have the skills to navigate the seas of adolescence before they encounter these situations. Then we can all enjoy their transition into a trustworthy, responsible, productive adulthood.

Dr. Mark B. Levin 

Dr. Levin has been a member of the staff at The Pediatric Group since 1977. Currently an attending Pediatrician at the Medical Center at Princeton, he has been Chairman, Department of Pediatrics, Medical Center at Princeton, 1984 to 1986, 1989 to 1992, and past President, Medical and Dental Staff, Medical Center at Princeton, 1987 to 1988. Dr. Levin has served on numerous Departmental and hospital committees. He has published original articles both while at Upstate Medical Center in Syracuse and at The Pediatric Group. He has a wife and three children. Dr. Levin enjoys alpine skiing, jogging, hiking and camping, travel, computers and racquetball.

©All rights reserved, The Pediatric Group, P.A. 2001