PRINCETON HHH HASH #581.4

Date: November 17, 1996
Weather: Sterile
Venue: Boring Princeton Campus
Time: 75 minutes
Set By: Geezer
Hashers: Geezer, 242, Wrong Way, Mildew, K. Butler, Delay LLLama,
         Craig Webster, I'm Too Desperate, LRF, Solo, Suzanne Aschmies,
         Molly Graves, Jeff Skaar, Marlene Haas, Glory
Visitors: Andrew Vaughn, Anne Ferguson
SVC: Ben Urquart, Katie Gamble, Ann Rodriguez, Amanda Marr, Hans Hull,
     Dan Brown, Mike Krosin, Mary ??? and others. 

	                    The Stepford Hash

"They" are a curious, dastardly organization. Just when you're convinced
that They can sink no lower than to hide from public view the first contact
with Alien beings, or shoot down a jetliner off the coast of Long Island,
They try to pull another sneaky, conniving trick on you. It's a good thing
my eyes are WIDE open, or I would have missed Their replacement of the
Princeton Hash House Harriers.

You see, I haven't hashed in a while, and life was getting soft. I looked
forward to an afternoon slog through some waist-deep muck, preferably across
some blatantly private property, preferably within sight of (but not within
shotgun range of) Clem or Jed. A few brambles, the odd laceration, a pint or
two of blood. Perhaps a swill of wretched animal byproducts and a refrain or
two of some foul anthem.

I knew the Geezer had set this week and I looked forward to a long,
circuitous drive to the start, followed by an even longer, twisty, turny,
devious trail, fraught with Treachery and False Hope. A trail which one
would barely survive. A non-Euclidean path through man-eating briars that
would leave one wimpering for mercy. You know, a Geezerhash!

But what did I find?

The warm and flawless weather was the first sign of trouble. At this time of
year we can all count on nasty rain and cold, penetrating winds. But the day
was unusually, dare I say _synthetically_, pristine.  A huge crowd of eager
new faces had assembled for the day's "hash", but a good many were alleged
"visitors from San Diego" (a code phrase if I ever heard one!)

The Geezer strolled over to the Stevenson lot, and announced that there
would be no drive, that the trail began right here, for our comfort and
convenience. (?!) The trail would be clearly marked (?!), and every so often
signs would be posted to provide directional information and educate us
about the problem of homelessness. These signs turned out to be clear and
truly informative. They gave the hash a socially responsible,
community-spirited feel, certainly unprecedented in PHHH history, and
obviously not the product of the miscreants that make up the _real_ PHHH!

The trail itself was bland, and could have been mapped out during any
routine reconnaissance fly-over. The usual local territory was
re-re-re-re-hashed. 242 even stumbled across marks from an old trail, and
even they were true! The pack locked onto the regular marks and followed
them all, faithfully, and in single file. This was not the hoped-for debacle
that was the hallmark of the Geezer hashes of old. Something looked wrong,
very wrong!

Still, even after this very lovely stroll-about-town, I could have been
convinced that it was all for real. Surely this hash was an intentional
parody, meant to illuminate the banality of the human condition. That's it.
Surely it was a statement! After all, I hadn't been there in while and I
could be missing the joke! There was no conspiracy here! What a laugh we
would all have at the On-In!

I stumbled into the parking lot where stood the Geezervan, anxious to quaff
a frothy brew, munch on stale chips and blazing salsa, and clap the backs of
the clever souls who pulled this one off. "Have a bagel.", someone said,
"There's plenty of lemonade."

I left before the campfire songs began.

At last it was clear to me. This was not the PHHH, but a very clever set of
replicants sent from San Diego. "They" had long since replaced the San
Diegans and were now beginning to get to the rest of the world. How better
to infiltrate society than from the bottom up? Start with the hashers, the
dregs of the local community. From there it would spread and we would all
eventually be replaced. Soon trails will follow only paved footpaths! Soon
hashers will all be courteous and athletic! Soon there will be NO beer and
salsa! And then civilization will implode and They will inherit the earth!
We need to find Zaire. He will know what to do.

Before closing, it should be noted that this hash marked Glory the
Wonderdog's third, making her the longest-hashing non-human in PHHH history.
There are those who would attribute "longest-hashing non-human" to Effross,
but the Geezer points out that these people would be in error. Effross is
the longest-hashing _sub_-human.

Next Hashes:

#582.4   Sunday, November 24, 2 pm,  Nick Longrich and I'm Too Desperate
#583.4   Sunday, December 1, 2 pm,   Jeff Skaar and someone else
#584.4   Sunday, December 8, 2 pm,   Solo
#585.4   Sunday, December 15, 2 pm,  Delay LLLama, god help us