Princeton HHH Hash # 356.4 Stardate: 199204.12 Weather: in vacuo Set by: Mr. Wacko Away team: Big Nut, Dorothy, Dr. No, Eightball, Fluke Lemming, The Geezer, Hand Solo, Jeremy, Lara, LRF, The Madam, Steve Jones (Hash Rat), Steve's Friend The Cooler Beyond the End of Time Scene 1 — The bridge of the starship Enterprise, which has just established orbit around Omega Orionis 3 (a class N planet, almost habitable). . . Capt. Jean-Luc Picard: Mr. Data, it was your recommendation that brought us to this system. Why stop to investigate this. . . this backwater? Lt. Cmdr. Data: Captain, my calculations indicate that this planet currently occupies the precise location of old Earth some 400 years ago. If we recalibrate our sensors to monitor the vibronic substructure of the local spacetime fabric, then a simple intermodulation of this information with the main holodeck data feed will permit us to reconstruct — even reexperience — significant events of that period. In addition, in order to access the most interesting and informative episodes, I have programmed the computer to select only events where the human participants were physically, mentally, and emotionally stressed to their limits. Picard: In that case, Mr. Data, I suggest we adjourn to the holodeck to relive a bit of that lively bit of history. . . Scene 2 — The holodeck in full simulation. Picard, Data, Lt. Cmdr. Jordy LaForge, Lt. Worf, and assorted expendable extras have assumed the identities of a motley group of long-dead Earthers, struggling for survival on a vast alkali plain, with only a handful of dog-eared, cryptic message cards to guide them over a barely marked trail to the next supply depot. Wacko: . . . for each lettered checkmark I've scribbled a clue card — without it you'll be running for a long, long time — and Fluke holds all the cards! All: Arrrgh! We'll die waiting for him. Fluke: Yes!!! [Picard: How appropriate that in this simulation I have assumed the persona of their diminutive leader!] — The trail leads to a petrified stream-bed, with only a tiny rivulet of water. Geezer: This must be The Ditch Where the Dinosaurs Died! [Jordy: Data, my visor shows no evidence of fossil outcroppings. . .] [Data: The holodeck simulation may be imperfect. However, I note that the aged hunter leaped over this obstacle as though it contained live saurians. Interesting. . .] — Somewhat later, at a mysterious "M" mark. Fluke: The clue card says, "Mel Gibson". All: What does that mean? Various: What are his movies? The Road Warrior. Lethal Weapon. Mad Max. MM at Thunderdome. Tequila Sunrise. This doesn't make any sense. [Data: I must agree.] Dr. No (1/4 mile away): ON! ON! — Still later, deep in an orchard of genetically inferior thorn trees. Geezer: It's a false! [Data: The aged member of this hunting party seems to have a remarkably underdeveloped sense of direction for one who has survived so long. I must consider this further. . .] Dr. No (1/2 mile away): On! On! [Lt. Worf: My simulacrum has no honor! By sprinting ahead in a vain search for glory, he repeatedly endangers the lagging hunters!] — Much later, at a mysterious "W" mark. Fluke: The clue card says, "Willie Stargell". Dr. No (3/4 mile away to the left): On! On! LRF: He batted left-handed, didn't he? [Jordy: This card stratagem is not particularly effective.] — Still much later, the pack discovers that it is following the trail backwards. Eightball stops at a Big Boy for R&R [this is completely incomprehensible to the Enterprise crew]. Eventually, a mysterious "S" mark is discovered. Geezer: It must be the House of Shih. Fluke: And the card says, "Steve Austin's bionic eye" [Picard: I didn't know that 20th century Earth technology was so advanced! Remarkable!] LRF: It's his left eye. Geezer: I can't remember these things. [Data: Jordy, I hypothesize that the cerebral impairment of the aged one results from prolonged malnutrition induced by his primarily liquid diet.] Dr. No (1/4 mile approximately straight ahead): On! On! — Much, much later, Eightball, LRF, and Dr. No vanish over a disused bridge, eventually entering the Carter-Wallace AIDS Defense Complex, where they trip all sorts of alarms, but are not themselves targeted by the CWADC battle computers. The trailing pack, however, is intercepted by a lone operative who attempts to block their passage. During the skirmish. . . [Cmdr. Riker (calling from the Enterprise bridge): Captain, I hate to interrupt you on the holodeck, but we've suddenly encountered a temporal anomaly, and old Earth is now below us! Our sensors have mapped out all of the trail markers, and we have located the object of your hunting party's search: the so-called "cooler".] [Picard: Beam it to the holodeck immediately, Number One. The simulation has entered a crisis phase, and I'm dying of thirst!] [Riker: Captain, such an action will deprive the real old Earthers of the "cooler". It may be a violation of the Prime Directive.] [Picard: Nonsense, Number One, this is our own culture! In any event, the hunting party is about to be destroyed.] Scene 3 — On the bridge of the Enterprise. The crew has reassembled after their holodeck experience. Data: Captain, just as we were beaming up the cooler, the temporal anomaly collapsed. The resulting waves of spacetime distortion permitted the holodeck simulation sequence to come into resonance with the actual events on old Earth. To be brief, our mentalities were momentarily interrippled with those of the Earthers. My own positronic circuits are immune to temporal phase-shift, but I suggest that the ship's Counselor, who was not present on the holodeck, evaluate the crew for any quasi-permanent personality realignments. Picard: Well, Madam Troi, have you noticed any difference in Lt. Norf or myself? Counselor Troi: None at all, Jean-Fluke, none at all. NEXT HASHES: Sunday, April 19 2 pm #357.4 Geezer sets Easter Keglet Hunt Sunday, April 26 2 pm #358.4 Flasher Gordon sets Sunday, May 3 2 pm #359.4 Big Nut sets Sunday, May 10 2 pm #360.4 The Madam & Dorothy set for Mothers' Day Sunday, May 17 2 pm #361.4 LRF sets Sunday, May 24 2 pm #362.4 Some Nerd! sets