No More "No!" By Pamela Caywood

Pam, Bill & Grace

Do you ever get tired of saying "No!"? It is amazing that such a small word could become such an important daily phrase. In time, not only will your child feel that the "No!" is directed to him and not his action, but he will start to tune you out. You should turn these moments into a learning opportunity so your child really won't do it again. Let's start a "No!" Buster program.

It is important to teach your child some key words so that you can quickly stop him in his tracks before he could get hurt. Hopefully, after you read the rest of this essay, "No!" will be a last resort. Before I go any further, let me add that it is important to always remove your child from a "No!" activity and redirect his attention to a "Yes!" activity. You may need to do this several times. If you remain consistent your child will eventually learn...really!!

Your child is going for the electric outlet for the 100th time. Do you say "No!" for the 100th time? NO! Opt for something new. Try to say "Hot!" for danger zones. Children learn at an early age to stay away from things that are hot. (Probably because your tone gets very loud if you see them reaching for the burner or a hot iron!)

Is your child continually amazed at your stereo system? "Off limits!" works well to establish artificial gates.

Is your child heading too close to steps? "Stop!"

Now, you are thinking, this approach won't work. You are right and wrong! It won't work the first time, but if you consistently use these phrases and remove your child, he will eventually get the message. That is if you really mean what you say!

Another approach is to re-word your "No!". Turn it around into a more helpful phrase.

Does your older child get upset when the baby is grabbing for older sister's toys? "This toy is your sister's and this toy is yours."

Is your child throwing all his food on the floor? "Food is to be eaten. Let's keep it on your tray. When you are finished eating, you can have some balls to roll around on the floor."

It is a challenge, but you will be surprised how your child will learn why he shouldn't do certain things because he actually understands. He will also appreciate your understanding that he wants to throw something. You are just showing him a more acceptable thing to throw...like a ball! A child should learn manners as a normal part of his day and not just when Grandma is around. You won't be constantly getting upset, raising your voice and saying "No!" and you also won't be cleaning the floor more times than necessary.

In a wonderful book, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish offer additional hints. "There will be many times as parents when we'll have to thwart our children's desires. It's exhausting even for the most patient of parents. So what do we do? Give in? Say "Yes" to everything? Obviously not. That way lies the tyranny of the spoiled brat." Here are some of their alternatives to "no":

Give your child information or the facts to why he cannot do something. For example, "You can't go outside to play because we are having dinner in five minutes."

Accept your child's feelings and let them know you understand the difficulty. "I can see that if it were up to you, you'd stay a long, long time. (As you take him by the hand to go) It's hard to leave a place you enjoy so much."

Describe the problem or conflict to your child. "I'd like to help you out. The problem is the electrician is coming in the next half hour."

Whoever said, "Practice makes perfect" was probably trying different ways to ensure that his children listened. It may seem like work, but hard works has its rewards! Each day, I try to put the "No" Buster plan into action. Each day it gets a bit easier. Somedays, I even surprise myself, that my daughter isn't testing these skills as much. She is really learning her limits.

Next time your mouth starts to form that familiar oval shape and your face begins to tighten, remember these suggestions. As time goes on, you will come up with some even better responses. When your child shares a toy, closes the VCR cabinet or says "Please" without the normal prodding, don't forget to praise them and yourself for a job well done. The rewards for both of you are quite satisfying. The challenge is on...help us to win the battle of the "No!" with the acquired "know"-how!

Pamela Caywood is the proud mother of 3 year old Grace and is expecting her second child in October.