Behavior Control with a Behavior Plan for Foster Children By Jeffrey Silla

It is important to have a structured plan to deal with behavior problems. A plan allows you to be consistent each time in dealing with an issue. Your foster child should know the consequences of his actions. A plan will help them from repeating the unwanted behavior. I have learned from my many years as a foster parent that in order to control problem behavior there must be a plan. A very simple plan is better than no plan! Do not ignore unwanted behavior. Some people say, "Just ignore the bad behavior and it will go away." Wrong! These children are in your home because they refuse to follow the rules anywhere. These children came from a home where they may have been allowed to do anything, being totally ignored by their parents.

Here is the plan I use:

Now for the consequences, hopefully you have stated the consequences for stealing when the child first came to your home. If not, set the consequence now. For example, the consequence could be: you will now make restitution by returning the stolen item or paying for it, you will write an apology letter and for a specified amount of time (hours/days/weeks/months/?) you will lose certain privileges (phone, shopping, visiting friends, TV, computer time, etc.). Your consequence may also be to read one hour each day. You pick the books which teach honesty. The child could be asked to write out the state penal code on stealing. You could try requiring the child to listen to one hour of instructional tapes each day. There are a lot of great tapes, stories, motivational messages, etc. Decide what the consequence is depending on the age of the child and the severity of the theft (was it taken by force, was it taken by deception, or borrowed with the intent of not returning, etc.). Remember food, clothing and shelter are necessities. Every thing else is a privilege, not a free right (unless medically needed or required for safety purposes).

Thoughts on Stealing.
Stealing is always wrong. It is not to be laughed away as being cute. We are not talking about taking a few odds and ends around the home. We are talking about major theft like your car, a pocket book, checkbook, credit cards, toll phone calls, jewelry, etc. This behavior will put a young adult in prison, we need to stop it now. Do not confuse this behavior with a small child(6 years old) stealing a pack of gum from the store. Although stealing gum should still be discussed with the child, you want to treat the more aggressive stealing as a serious bad behavior.

We need to decide at some point what we will do when a child steals. If he steals your car (or the neighbor's car) will you call the Police? If he steals your only valuable piece of jewelry worth $2000 will you call the Police? This is a losing situation. This is not the first time this child has stolen and he may have been stealing from you for awhile. Now you caught them. In his mind, he thinks "nothing bad will happen to me" even if you call the Police. What will the Police or Courts do? Nothing? Your decision may end up costing you money and time.

OK you do not believe me, let me explain. You call the Police and report the crime (the crime doesn't matter, short of murder). The police file charges and even book the child. They photograph and finger print them (your child will love this part, they will brag to their friends). The child returns home after you have waited two hours at the station to pick him up. The child cannot wait to tell his friends what cool things have happened. Next it will take months before you go to Court, and by then it will seem like a year has passed. You may have to testify in court. Your child will need to see an Attorney (which you will get and take him to, this is more of your time off work). The Judge may give this child a fine, which the child may not be able to pay (who do you think pays it? YOU!). The Judge may sentence him to community service (which you need to drive him to). Then you deal with all of the new problems associated with this community service. For example, the child is required to work 40 hours at a place with other teens and adults on probation. This becomes a place to pick up more bad habits. When this whole process is done, you have spent thirty hours directly on transportation from one point to another and preparation. You have spent another thirty hours thinking about it. You see an unrepentant child after this process. You feel totally helpless.

Your mind starts thinking...what can I do to change them? Short of a miracle, nothing. All of the things we do are meant to get the child to want to change. It is the child who must want to change. We cannot do it for them. So we commit ourselves to fight this behavior at every opportunity. We must keep them safe from themselves by setting up a life system where it extremely difficult for them to steal!

This gets us to what I call "Consequences and Containment." Where the consequences fall short containment does not. Containment is this, lock up or remove all opportunities to steal, even outside the home. This is simply watching them very carefully when you go shopping. This will keep them from stealing. If their desire to steal is very strong you will find that they are very fast. They can steal while your head is turned for only a few seconds, so watch carefully. This is really good for them. If they can go for a period without stealing (even though you are making this happen) then maybe this habit can be broken. Containment is also locking or keeping safe those items that are a temptation to them, and I mean everything! You should never leave your valuables unlocked or unattended. If you get in the car and then realize you forgot something do not leave your pocketbook in the car. Don't forget to keep the glove box locked. Always put your valuables in the same place. Create new habits of living even if you are alone. Never leave the car keys unattended. Start to think like they do, how could I steal this item?

Obviously you may say I do not want a child like this, but that is not the solution, we need to persevere. Fifty percent of these children will pick the right path in life. The others will wind up doing occasional prison time. All of this talk on stealing is not meant to be a discouragement, but to show you how to look at a difficult situation with practical eyes. Go in with yours eyes open and do not give up the struggle. Come up with creative teaching times. Get across the point that it is always wrong to take things that don't belong to them. Use every possible opportunity to teach honesty. Be careful how you live and be an example. Also these children think that if they don't get caught then it's OK. They don't realize that they need a mind and heart change, a new set of principles to guide them. You may be that person to show them how to change their "old ways." Throughout this process maintain a positive attitude. Remember to say something to praise them, even if it is unrelated to the situation e.g. "You are a great basketball player!" Whatever you decide to say, make sure that it is true.

Next let's look at a really different behavior problem. This may not appear to be a behavior problem. The problem is bad breath. I put this problem in here to make you aware of the variety of needs. This is a behavior problem because you have to change their behavior (i.e. change their diet) in order to solve the problem. This can be a really awful problem. It can be very bad in people with digestive problems. We are not talking about morning breath, were talking "major want to get sick" bad breath.

Remember the behavior plan.

(1) Identify the problem
(2) Deal with it and give consequences
(3) Praise

We identified the problem. The consequences will be a change of various habits. Do not forget a lot of praise to keep the child doing the important changes. First, take the child to see the doctor. The Doctor may suggest, antacids, medicine, brushing teeth, brushing tongue, dental flossing, strong breath mints, chewing gum and mouth wash. For the worst case, a change of diet (this is really hard to do) may be the only option. Obviously certain foods are bad for everyone like garlic, so you may need to identify those foods that cause the worst problems. This person may have a problem with their stomach valve. If this valve does not close all the way they will have a major bad breath problem, ask the Doctor to check this. The Doctor may suggest massaging the stomach area to help close the valve. Bleeding gums - gingivitis and mouth sores are a source of bad breath. Another short term solution is to try keeping a distance rule. This could be an arms length rule where the child is not to come closer than the length of his arm. Also try putting a "better" smell on his lips (e.g. flavored chapstick). At the least, you will find ways to lessen the problem.

We have identified the problem. We have taken steps by taking the child to the Doctor. The correction/consequences are to monitor the causes, make new habits, take medicine, eliminate certain foods, etc. for the child. This may not seem like correction/consequences, but to the child they may feel that they are being punished. They may be the only one in the house that has to do all this new stuff, just because of their breath. For example, they cannot eat certain salad dressing, but everyone else can. As they are trying to overcome this problem, remember to say something encouraging. Maybe they could even earn "specials" when they remember to "brush their teeth at the extra times".

Remember your behavior plan. Apply it to as many problems as possible. This will keep you in control and working on a solution. You may find that this plan is constantly being adjusted. That is good. Be creative with your solutions. A plan must be flexible. This plan is really only a controlled way of doing things more efficiently. So create you own plan today, start with anything even if it is a one point plan like "Count to ten before I proceed". Then grow your plan to be little bit better each day! No plan is silly. You probably have a plan already. Identify it and organize it better. Finally, remember that you are helping people and not machines. Be creative and realize that each child is unique requiring a unique solution.

Jeffrey Silla is the proud father of four biological children and two foster children. You can contact him with ideas or questions at Jeffrey Silla.