Why Kids Need to Know and What to Tell Them... By LESLIE POTTER Executive Director, Planned Parenthood Association of the Mercer Area

For most of us, the mere mention of the word sexuality can create discomfort and anxiety, especially when we are asked to discuss sexuality with young people. Often we are at a loss to know where and how to begin. This task, however, can be less daunting when we approach sexuality with the knowledge that it is more than just sexual behavior.

Each child possesses sexuality from birth and expresses it in a unique manner. Our gender, sexual orientation, sense of humor, values, body image, and ability to form relationships and to feel and express a wide range of emotions are integral aspects of our sexuality. Because sexuality is a central element of who we are, it greatly influences how we live our lives.

Fostering a healthy sense of sexuality in our young people is one of the greatest things we can do for them. We as parents cannot afford to ignore the importance of sexuality education since young people who have a positive sense of self-esteem and sexuality are best prepared to make healthy decisions.

Sexuality education is an ongoing process. Each developmental stage provides a new opportunity for education. In addition to being age specific when talking about sexuality, each of us needs to stop and assess our family's religious and cultural beliefs and how these will influence our children's development and expression of their sexuality.

All parents can be sexuality educators. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself to help assess your comfort level which will reflect your effectiveness and accessibility as a sexuality educator:

Am I uncomfortable when sexuality topics are raised?

If discussion of condoms, AIDS or sexual activity makes you uneasy, your discomfort will be evident to your children. It is vital for you to be comfortable with your own sexuality so that your children see you as approachable. Planned Parenthood provides workshops for parents to help them establish the necessary skills and comfort to successfully talk to their children about sexuality.

Do I address racist, sexist and homophobic remarks?

If you fail to discourage negative and stereotypical remarks and jokes, you are sending a very strong message about what is acceptable. In addition, if you counter some remarks and not others, children will assume that some forms of discrimination are acceptable.

Do I have the skills and information necessary to be effective?

This column is designed to assist you by providing up-to-date information on a variety of sexuality related topics as well as ideas for discussion and techniques for teaching. Planned Parenthood can rent you videos on a variety of topics. We also have a wide variety of pamphlets and resource materials that you are welcome to use. Over the next few months we will be adding lists of these materials to this site. Until they are available on line, if you are interested in a resource catalogue or have further questions, call Planned Parenthood's Department of Community Services at (609) 599-4881 ext. 131.

At what age should sexuality education start?

It's never too early or too late to teach children about sexuality. An infant begins to learn from his or her first experiences of being touched, held and spoken to, while an 18-year-old may still have questions or erroneous beliefs about contraception, sexual responsibility or sexual preferences. Sexuality education is a lifelong process. In general, keep in mind that young children may need simple, direct explanations while older children may appreciate more detailed discussions. Some age guidelines to follow are:

BIRTH - TWO - Normally curious about their own bodies. Should not receive the message that it is wrong to touch or receive pleasure from them.

THREE - FIVE - Can understand male and female anatomical differences and may start to wonder where babies come from. At this stage, a simple explanation like "The baby grows in a special place inside the mother" is sufficient. Use proper names for body parts.

FIVE - SEVEN - May begin to have sexual fantasies and are probably aware of sex, AIDS, rape and child abuse. Touching of the genitals is normal and common. May be reticent about asking questions - to encourage conversation you could use a TV com- mercial or newspaper headline.

EIGHT-TWELVE - Nervousness, embarrassment and laughter are common responses to comments about sexuality and anatomy; however, it's important to talk honestly and openly while acknowledging their feelings. Body changes associated with puberty may begin at any time during these years; these children need to know all about menstruation, wet dreams and other signs of maturation. They need to be reassured they are normal and should be taught about the mechanics of reproduction, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), contraception and the consequences of pregnancy.

YOUNG TEENS - Vulnerable to peer pressure and misinformation. Should understand the facts about and consequences of sexual activity. Discussion about values, feelings and options in sexual decision-making is important.

Come back and visit as we explore important facts and nuances regarding human sexuality.

Leslie Potter is the Executive Director of Planned Parenthood of the Mercer Area. 437 East State Street, Trenton, NJ 08608. (609) 599-4881.