|
January 2001
Q: Dear Jill,
My 5 year old son throws a bad fit probably once a day. It is like he is
in a zone and there is no
pulling him out. There is no consistency in what causes the fits. I
first react patiently and try to talk
him out of the approaching fit, but never to any avail. It escalates
immediately by him grunting at
me and being completely out of control,at which time I send him to his
room. It often takes great
effort to keep him there. I would love some advice on a better way to
handle this. Thank You.
J Reid
Lenexa , KS
A: Dear J
You can try a number of strategies. The first is ignoring. The second is
asking him if he wants some
help in calming down. Some calming techniques are counting to ten, taking
deep breaths, going for a
walk, putting on calm music. You can tell him about them when he is not
having a tantrum. When
the tantrum starts, try starting to count very calmly. Why are you sending
him to his room? If you
do not have company over, you can just walk away. This is less punitive and
will remove you from
the situation. Tell him that when he calms down, you can talk to him.
Children should not be
punished for tantrums. They should be taught that a tantrum will not get
them what they want - for
example attention, a cookie, etc. However, children have temper tantrums
because of physical and
emotional needs and we have to understand they are not doing it because they
are "bad". If the
tantrums continue despite trying these strategies, I would try going to a
child specialist to see if there
is anything else going on.
Good luck!
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Dear Jill,
My son is 20 months old and we just had a brand new baby girl. He has been
screaming (high pitched) for
several months and now that the baby is here it's even worse. I'm sure that
I've already gone half deaf. I
need to know if there is anything else I can do other then spank him. I
don't spank him but I'm at that
point because I don't know what else to do. I don't ever want to spank my
kids but I just can't have him
screaming as loud as he does around the new baby or around me anymore. Can
you please help me because I am at my wits end?
Thank you in advance.
Mandy.
Mandy Fleck
Calgary , AB
A: Dear Mandy,
Your son has been what we call "dethroned". He was once the center of your
life and now he has to share everything with this little thing. He does not
understand and must go through some adjustment period. Please do not start
spanking him. Try distraction. Get him involved in something else and
don’t reprimand the screaming. Try to react as calmly as possible. If that
doesn’t work, the best thing to do is to move yourself and the baby away
from him. If that means going into a room and closing the door, then do
that. Punishing and spanking will just make the situation worse.
Spend some one on one time with him. Give him as much attention as
possible. Your daughter doesn't need much attention right now - she just
needs to be fed and her diaper needs to be changed. While you are feeding
her, read him a book. This is a very tough time right now for everyone but
it will get better. When she starts laughing at him he will think that she
is the greatest thing.
Good luck!
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My 2 1/2 year old is biting to the point of being kicked out of 2 day
cares now. She bites
herself and draws blood along awith other children. What can I do? I've
tried everything. Her
father and others believe to spank her when she does this due to
constantly telling her no and times
outs don't work. I disagree and feel this causes even more anger. I have
no-one to help with out
using physical discipline from others, what can I do? Please help. I
can't afford to keep enrolling
her in daycares, not to mention running out of "good" ones.
Kelley
Chandler, AZ
A: Dear Kelley,
Spanking would not be the best thing for your child - you are absolutely
right. Biting and hitting is a
developmental stage - she is not abnormal at all. It is his way of
expressing herself as she does not
have the verbal skills yet. That doesn't mean that you should just stand by
and
not do anything. What you need to do every time she hits or bites - say as
calmly as you can, "Hitting
hurts. You may not hit." When she bites, you can give him a washcloth to
bite. Say, "You can bite
the washcloth but people are not for biting." Instead of biting tell her to
kiss and if she does, show
her lots of positive attention for the kiss. You must do this in a firm but
kind way. This is very difficult
since you are probably not very happy that she is hitting or biting.
However, it is a phase and it will
end. The calmer you are as you do this, the sooner it will end. It may also
be helpful to read a
developmental book about two year olds and to talk to other mothers who are
experiencing similar
things.
You need to find a daycare situation that will be able to handle your
child. This may mean that there
should not be many other children with her (i.e. someone in your house).
Children at two aren't
supposed to know how to interact with each other appropriately and need time
to develop those
skills.
Good luck!
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I'm asking this in regard to a good friend of mine who had her 1st
daughter 5 months ago (also
fourth child) she said she was having trouble with the third son Brandon who
will be 5 oct 2 of not minding
her. Let me back up and introduce the kids :) Michael will be 11 oct 4,
matthew will be 6 dec 2, Brandon
will be 5 oct 2 and the most recent Sydney was 5 months sept 15. I was
looking for something about "third
sibling" when I came across your name on the net I'm new to all this the
net and especially having "littles
ones" in my life but that 's not why I'm writing to you. What do you advise
for my friend Missy? She
seems to have it together at least in my eyes but I'm sure she could use a
little help. I know for someone
who lost her mother when she was 12 she has learned to do it all for and by
herself. Yes she does have a good husband that helps but basically I think
a little extra about what to do about Brandon's behavior. Just
thought I would ask you your thought?
thanks
Cynthia Mitchell
A: Dear Cynthia,
It sounds like Brandon is a little angry about the baby being born. It is
hard for a child to accept a new baby after he has been the baby of the
family for five years. Also, five is a difficult age for children – they
are understanding more and need more responsibility. Even if he acts like
he doesn’t want to help out around the house, I would suggest that his mom
have a talk with him about what he would like to do. He could help with the
baby or choose some other chores. This will make him feel like he has a new
role in the family which he needs now that he is no longer the baby.
His mom should also talk to him about his feelings about the new baby. Is
he angry? Does he think his parents don’t love him anymore? He needs to
express all his feelings – both negative and positive. His parents should
give him some special time without the baby around. These things will make
him behave better. If his mom needs a good book on discipline, tell her to
read “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” by Kathryn Kvols.
You sound like a good friend!
Good luck!
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Help,
I am searching for a friend who's 6 1/2 year old is having more frequent and
more violent temper tantrums.
I can find lots of info on the net re smaller children. Where can I find
some info to help her daughter (and mother)?
Thanks,
Angela
Brussels, Belgium
A: Dear Angela,
Yes, tantrums should lessen by the time a child is five years old. But if
the child is getting the attention
she wants from them, they will continue. The best thing you can do is ignore
his tantrums. If she is
disrupting the family, you can take her to a place where she won't bother
anyone else. But do not try
to communicate with her. Move her to a different location and either stay
there with her (if you can
ignore it) or leave.
ALL MISBEHAVIOR IS COMMUNICATION.
I repeat this many times in my parenting classes. What is your child trying
to communicate? If you
can't figure it out, ask her. Is there some major changes going on in the
family or in school? This could be an indication of a problem and the
parents need to find out by either talking to the child or taking the child
to a child therapist to talk to. When you find out what is really going on
and the child can work through the real issue, the tantrums will lessen.
Tell the parent to read "Redirecting Children's Behavior" by Kathryn Kvols
to learn how to diagnose children's mistaken goal or take a parenting class.
Good luck!
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: dear jill,
I have a two year old little girl and she is the biggest monster that
I have ever seen. her father and i have tried everything
from spanking, to the corner, to taking away her toys. this only makes
things worse. these are the kind of things that she
does...when we are in the bathroom she will distroy the house(painting the
carpet withnail polish, pulling out all of the food in
the frig. and throwing it all over the house. these are just samples.
there is lotsmore, way worse. we are at our wits end and
don't know what else to do. please help. why does she do this stuff and
how can we stop it?
thank you for your time
christina daines
midland , va
A: Dear Christina,
I am very glad that you reached out for help when you are going through a
tough time. A lot of people don't and there is help
out there. First of all, some of the things that you are saying are normal
behavior for a two year old and some are not. I have a feeling that if you
stop all punishments and observe how your daughter behaves, you will see an
improvement. You need to
teach her the correct behaviors but some children do not respond to
punishment. Secondly, make your home child friendly.
Put the nail polish and other items that she should not play with in a
locked cabinet. This will lessen the amount of trouble that
she can get into. Finally, it really sounds like your daughter is crying
out for attention. The more positive attention that you can
give her, the less negative attention that she will need to try to get. I
highly recommend that you seek help in dealing with her.
See a counselor to help you deal with the stresses in raising a spirited
child. Read "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary
Sheedy Kurcinka. I have a spirited child. When he was two he gave me a
really hard time. If I had punished him he would
have been the same way as your daughter. That is why I started teaching
parenting classes - so that I would gain the skills that
I needed to deal with my son. He is seven years old now and a great kid.
He is still spirited but he is able to express himself
when he gets upset so it is a lot easier now.
Good luck!
Jill
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: I have a 6 year old who complains of a headache or stomachache almost
all of the time when she is academically challenged at school. Her first
grade teacher says that she loves to do the easy things
like color but when it comes to writing or math, my daughter says that she
is not feeling well and wants to go to the health room? What do I do? Why
is she doing this? Help!
Robin Fiu
Hauula , HI
A: Dear Robin,
It sounds like she is afraid of failing. This could come from a number of
things. What I would suggest is that if you ever see her making a mistake –
spilling something, breaking something, etc. – you try not to react
harshly. She is the type of child who will take any reaction as if you are
telling her that she is a failure. If she spills something, be firm about
her cleaning it up. Don’t get angry, just don’t give in. If she makes a
mistake, she needs to learn how to fix it. Many parents do not see the
importance of not “doing too much” for our children. It is vitally
important to their self-esteem that we allow them to learn from their
mistakes and this will teach them that it is o.k. to make mistakes. In
addition, when you fail at something, do not be too hard on yourself. You
are modeling behavior whether you realize it or not. Children learn from us
by watching us. We can tell them things but if we act differently, they
won’t listen to what we say. So the next time you forget an important
meeting, go easy on yourself in front of your daughter. Let her see that
parents make mistakes and she will learn that it is o.k. to fail.
In the short term, the teacher needs to deal with her issue of wanting to go
to the health room. She shouldn’t let her go if she knows that it is a
manipulative tactic. But that is her problem to deal with, not yours.
Good luck!
Jill
|
